Before you read on, please note the following:
- The opinions expressed are not my own. They have not been censored in any way, shape or form. It's ALL theirs. Oh, I did bleep one swear word, but you know.
- I am personally not the slightest bit concerned about what guys think of my makeup- and neither should you be...unless you want to be. In which case, YAY! You may learn something.
- If you wear any of the following looks (I do), please don't be offended. It's makeup. It's a laugh. If you ARE offended, you can find details below of how to express your annoyance/disdain/rage.
- This is part one in a two part series. The second part will be published later this week- with the same panelists, potentially a few more that have yet to submit their comments.
- These guys are good guys. They are my friends and I love them. They're aggravating sometimes; (who isn't?) but essentially, they're awesome- and I'm so grateful for them taking the time to do this for me. Thanks homies! xxxx
"I love this.. Go crazy on eyes... 9. Could look a bit dodgy if done badly though."
"Pretty cool, I like it but don't think all girls could pull it off. Eyebrows are a tad too heavy for me. 7/10"
"This looks like she could be a dancer in a rubbish Fergie video, saying that, its a strong look,tasteful with just the right amount of bitchiness in her expression, too much makeup here could ruin it completely. Probably wouldn't bother trying to talk to her though unless she sparked up the convo. 7/10"
"Pros: At least she hasn't got black lips or over applied clown make-up.
Cons: I'm not sure how hard this look is to achieve, but it's not worth your time. Don't try so hard, ladies.
Thoughts in general: Ah, the classic Doctor Spock look. I know he had busted brows, but the outcome is still the same - alien eyes. I'm sure the idea is to intrigue potential suitors with your beautiful oriental mystique, but the reality is simply a confusing extra terrestrial shambles.
I've definitely seen worse, but for the reasons listed above - 6/10"
"Brows way too strong and bold for my taste. Wee bit too much colour on cheeks for me. Not too keen on this "Warsaw ghetto" look. 5/10"
"Can be nice.. but don't leave them bushy.. 8 if you have slick middle eastern brows, great, but if they're bushy, tame those bad-boys."
" Plain Jane girl next door vibe going on here, all guys love that, probably goes to a private school. It's simple so I get the impression she is casual which I like. 6/10"
"Pros: It is definitely refreshing to see a girl that hasn't tried too hard, but come on - put in a bit of effort, love.
Cons: Unkempt brows are usually a great indicator for hirsute nether regions. Please rock this look with caution, unless of course you are particularly proud of your genital Jumanji.
Thoughts in general: Whilst I do prefer a slightly thicker realistic brow to the anorexic pencil line, the two slug look is not for me. Keep them strong and defined, girls, but when you look in the mirror and see Denis Healey - rush down to see the local threader before you lose your forehead altogether.
Hard to rate as can easily be a 9 or 10 if done correctly, but Helga from Hey Arnold is a straight 0. "
"This is sex, I love the pink hair thing that lots of women are doing now, some pull it off way better than others and this is the perfect example of that. The makeup is minimal too which makes the pink hair stand out more. I bet her tinder profile has never had a left swipe once. This is my favourite out of these photos 10/10 (no women is actually a 10 but this gets a perfect score because i am now in love with her)"
"F****** insane. 1. Why do this? Pointless."
"I like the amount of makeup used, very subtle. Hair colour ruins the whole package for me. Go get your hair dyed a different colour ASAP! 9/10 if she dyes her hair"
"Pros: Chilled out life ahead for you as nobody will give you a job - unless you are a Christian X Factor judge.
Cons: You wake up every morning with pink hair.
Thoughts in general: I have had some pretty shitty haircuts and hair colours in my time, so I can't really call out this look too harshly, but all I ask is you think before you pink. You might feel like you are channelling your inner Barbie, but being 'cute' as an adult will only attract creepy old men.
Rate out of 10 on the hotness scale: This is slightly unfair as the girl in the picture is pretty hot and is actually pulling off the look. She would of course look much better if her hair wasn't pink. She gets a generous 7/10, most other girls would struggle to get a 5."
"If you're fit, go nuts. 5. Cons - if you're a pale, pasty blonde, jesus, spice it up with some mascara for goodness sakes."
"Fine if she lives in the country. She wouldn't take long to get ready! Bit more effort needed. 6/10"
"Again this one is very plain Jane, she might have just finished a run or be on her way to the gym, she probably looks great without any makeup so this simple look works well for her no matter what she's doing. I'm giving this one a low score because I can't see much really happening here makeup wise. 5/10"
"Pros: I can only assume this style is a whole lot cheaper and much less hassle in the mornings than the alternative.
Cons: With all the Krusty the Clown hyper pruned girls and Instagram filters out there, you'd better have some bloody good genes before you try out the au naturel look on the mean streets.
Thoughts in general: I learnt my favourite joke in primary school, and it is still just as funny today - Q/ Why do girls wear make-up and perfume? A/ Because they are ugly and they stink. For real though, keep up that natural look, ladies. #nomakeupselfie - you go gurl!
Rate out of 10 on the hotness scale: Can easily be the best look of all the options, but certainly isn't flattering for all. Shake what ya mama gave ya, but if there's too much shake, maybe slap on a bit of war paint before leaving the house. Straight up though, the bravest look of them all, and for that 9/10."
"This is carefully crafted, a kind of 1950's style housewife looking her best to impress hubby's boss or parents maybe. Probably takes hours to get ready which would drive me nuts personally, but worth the wait. Handles her booze like a boss 8/10"
"Pros= Sharp and defined features - especially the lips! Works well with the softening on the cheeks.
Cons = Looks like a china doll
I'd be too scared to make out with her for fear of messing up her make up. Maybe just for looking at and not touching.
"Average. Only yuk roller derby girls do it. 2. Dita Von Teese maybe, but generally these girls are bit too moth-ball for me."
"Pros: A fantastic way to ensure no advances will come your way from anybody without tattoos.
Cons: A very mothy vibe. Whilst I haven't been that close to any of these mythical creatures, I can only imagine a dusty aroma in their presence.
Thoughts in general: Some styles never go out of fashion, others however, definitely should.
Rate out of 10 on the hotness scale: Again, a particularly unusual example is featured here, but usually these rollerskating moths are never as attractive as their sultry sailor skin art counterparts and would only score around a 3/10"
"Pros = Great eye makeup
Cons = Poor colour choice for lips
Thoughts in general = I nearly said a bit too shiny but think that a bolder colour choice for lips would save her. 8/10"
"Very cute, surfer girl from Manly Beach dolled up to hit the tiles and get rowdy with her girlfriends, again probably takes way to long to get ready and i wonder why she bothers painting her face, she would be cute regardless so something more minimal would work just as well as this. But some killer red lippy would make this look a bit more devastating in my eyes. This is my 3rd favourite. 8/10"
"Pros: Gives off the impression that you don't work in a greasy McDonald's, but instead spend your time sunning it up in the Caribbean with your millionaire pensioner husband.
Cons: Gives off the impression that you have a millionaire pensioner husband.
Thoughts in general: A good tan is always a bonus. Growing up in England I am used to seeing either transparent skin, badly sunburnt red faces or bright orange fake tan blotched unevenly over the body. The correct balance betwixt a healthy glow and a leathery old witch is the secret to a good life.
Rate out of 10 on the hotness scale: No problems here. 8/10"
- Zeb: I've known this guy for about 7 years or so. Not shy in any way to express his opinion on virtually any subject, he's also a pretty rad DJ. He also skates fairly well, I've heard, & is a hilarious human. Form an orderly queue, ladies. You can send him fan/hate mail here
- Jack: Probably the quietest of the bunch, but with firm opinions nonetheless- I've known him for 14 years, and is one of the nicest guys on the planet. I love him. FACT! It's always the quiet ones though...seriously. He's chilled out- but one of the fussiest guys I know when it comes to the ladies.
- Alex: The first to state, "I never anon' anything", Alex is one of the funniest guys I have ever met. If you DON'T want the cold, hard truth about something- don't ask him. He's always been awesome to me in the 7-8 years I've known him, but god knows what he sometimes thought of my makeup. You can send Alex fan/hate mail here. Alex is also a writer himself in case you couldn't tell, & you can check out some of his work here (it is about HUNKS).
- Posh Spaz: He's someone who does posh, spazzy things like tidying up and ironing his socks.I know this because I've known him for 8 years. Easily lampooned; don't be deceived by his nice, polite manners- he has extremely strong opinions on everything. Even ants. Lovely human though.