Right so, The Real Housewives of Sydney premiered last night in NZ, and quite frankly, I don’t think anyone gave a shit. However I did, as much as one CAN give a shit about reality tv shows, so I’m going to sit down and give you a play by play of the whole shambolic episode. These women are fucking crazy, and it’s hard to believe that they are real humans. They have muchos plastic surgery which I am all for, but holy smokes, they REALLY have muchos of it. They blurt out some of the oddest, stupidest things I’ve ever heard, some bordering on slight abuse (or actual abuse, depending on what side of the fence you place yourself). But it wasn’t boring, unlike the last season of The Bachelor after Shari left, which is awesome. LET US BEGIN and please excuse the typos of which I know there will be many..
There's nothing much more I love than a new franchise of Real housewives- & finally, FINALLY we’ll be able to see the bloody Real Housewives of Sydney in all their, uh, glory. Real Housewives of Melbourne has been my favourite so far, so the Sydney ladies have a hell of a lot to live up to. Will they deliver? YOU DECIDE. Grab your wine, & buckle up, because these women swear more than you could ever imagine…& unlike their US (and NZ) counterparts, there is NO bleeping or censoring. It’s fucking on, bitches. Let’s check them out and by check them out I mean judge them.
My first impression is that I like her, quite a lot. She doesn’t seem to suffer fools gladly, and there doesn’t seem to be any bullshit about her. Her apartment in Bondi is fucking amazing, & she likes dogs more than she likes humans, which I respect. Victoria has vodka for dinner, & likes to know “who’s screwing who”. Me too, mate, me too. i just feel like she's going to rule the roost with these women- I'm getting serious Vanderpump vibes- which can only be a good thing.
Initial judgement- big thumbs up.
I think I like her? She’s loud as fuck, brash, bold, and all that stuff you think about when you have to think about girls from Sydney. She’s moved back to Sydney from Shanghai, where apparently all she did was get massages and manicures. Massages “for days”. Krissy is a mate of Victoria's, which bodes well for her, & is actually quite bloody funny. An unabashed trophy wife by self admission, she’s going to be a firecracker on this show- guaranteed.
Initial judgement- a cautious thumbs up.
A former Miss Australia (sigh), with a very loud and slightly grating voice, Nicole is entertaining, but I think she could get on my wick. She travels ALL the time, and always “up the front” of the plane. Nicole likes to take her children on tours of economy class to look at all the poor scrunched-up travelers- just to remind them of their privilege. Because that’s normal behaviour. I’m not sure if she’s for real- if she is, it’s a thumbs down. If she’s taking the piss, thumbs up for being so convincing.
Initial judgement- a slightly disbelieving waggly thumb- could go either way.
RUH ROH- another Persian. Everyone knows that Persians are reality tv gold- examples: Gilda Kirkpatrick from RHOAK, the entire cast of Shahs of Sunset, & probably every Persian that’s ever on TV ever. They’re just bloody good, and salty as fuck. Matty is no exception. Smart as a tack, forthright, tiny & scrappy, and able to take the piss out of herself- I think I’m really going to enjoy watching her. Don’t let me down, Matty!
Initial judgement- major thumbs up.
Athena X Levendi
Calls herself Athena X, believes in reincarnation, & says that meditation is a telephone between her and God, I can’t be fucked already. Every RH franchise always has to have a token nutcase, and Athena X is the chosen one for Sydney. I really couldn’t care less if people are “spiritual” or not- but when they ramble rant & rave about it, I take umbrage. Athena X is one loose unit, and I can already see that she’s going to be passing everyone off- potentially by the end of the first episode.
Initial judgement- a very zen no thank you thumb
The only one I vaguely recognised, Melissa is a singer, but I don’t know any of her songs. I remember her from an old Australian TV show called E Street, but most of you probably weren’t even born when that screened, so whatever, shut up. She comes across as quite sweet and harmless, actually, but you never know- it's always the quiet ones. You know what though? It’s not. The quiet ones are usually fired after one season for being boring...so Melissa better start taking notes on how to be a psycho if she wants to keep her spot.
Initial judgement- an apathetic thumbs up because she seems nice (I realise this is weak of me but I’m getting bored & I want a wine top up).
JESUS- another firecracker. Lisa takes NO shit, ever, and is very sweary. I’m scared of her, but I respect her- from a distance. Her husband formed the despicable One Nation political party with the vile Pauline Hanson….but I’m going to try and ignore that- that’s his thing, not Lisa's. I feel like she’s going to be extremely polarising on the show- people will love her or hate her, and this is ratings gold. One thing is for sure- she doesn’t give a fuck what you think.
Initial judgement- a nervous thumbs up because she scares the shit out of me.
SO- that’s it. Those are the are seven women- and those are my seven judgments I can’t wait to see if I was completely wrong because let’s face it, I often am, and I’m usually two or three wines deep so I’m probably not even listening properly or paying attention.
The Real Housewives of Sydney will screen in NZ on the Bravo channel on the 28th of February at 8.30pm, and no this is not a sponsored post because who in their right mind would sanction this shit? BOTTOMS UP.
When this post is published- there’ll only be a few weeks left until Christmas...this is both scary and AWESOME. I know that things can get a little stressful at this time of year, and so in the interest of staying sane (& keeping your sense of humour intact)Fancy Feast & I have put together a slightly tongue in cheek guide to getting into the Christmas Spirit. For you AND your cat. Read on to get jolly- & to enter the huge giveaway at the end!
We all have those people in our lives who are notoriously difficult to buy presents for. They either seem to already have everything, approve of nothing, or are simply just ridiculously hard to impress. You have two options when it comes to dealing with them; you can give up entirely by not getting them a single thing (& deal with their wrath for the following year and beyond, NOT recommended)...or you can check out the gift guide below that I’ve put together with www.notsocks.co.nz. Not Socks is an excellent NZ online gift shop that has literally hundreds of unique (and often hilarious) gift ideas- I can guarantee you’ll be able to find something for EVERYONE, including the guy you’ve friend-zoned. Read on to get inspired…& to find out how to win a $50 e-voucher to spend at Not Socks!
Gone are the days when Christmas shopping used to be only about your friends and family. With fur babies starting to steal more and more of our hearts and time, it seems only natural that we want to spoil them during the festive season (and let’s face it, every other season as well). Fancy Feast are obviously HUGE cat fans, so I’ve teamed up with them to bring you the ULTIMATE Cat Christmas Gift Guide - I’m going to make it super easy for you to find the perfect prezzie for your beloved fur-child! I’ve scoured the internet to find gifts that are slightly out of the norm, and discussed each option thoroughly with my own cats to get the paw of approval. Read on for inspiration…& hopefully a couple of giggles ;)
It’s that time of year - the sun is finally starting to shine through, there’s an excited hum in the air, beautiful dresses, shoes and fascinators are appearing in fashion boutiques - it’s time for the races!
Going out with your girls to the races can be an amazing time, IF you’ve covered all your bases and you’re well-prepared. I’ve teamed up with La Vie Spritzer, a brand new range of lightly carbonated sauvignon blanc spritzers (with the CUTEST packaging you’ve ever seen, by the way) to bring you a complete guide to getting race day ready. Read on to find out how to ensure you’ll have one of the best days of your life, and to make sure you won’t end up like this.
Jesus- is it that time already? I was having quite a nice week until I remembered this show was on. That’s a lie, my week has been RUBBISH and FERAL. Regardless...is it just me that’s starting to be less than enthused about RHOAKL? Are the women becoming less and less relatable every week? These are the sort of burning questions that drive me to drink. Selaks sav is on special at Countdown for $12.99, FYI. Bottoms UP.
Hello kitten loves. If this is your first time reading one of my recaps, please check out the following link:
The post above explains why this recap is vastly different to any of my previous ones, and addresses my thoughts on the vile situation that Julia has created. Merci!
Episode 6 recap:
*pause for a drink*
*pause to get another drink*
Okay, let’s face it, getting your period isn’t a tonne of fun, and not generally something that you’d look forward to on a monthly basis. I don’t know about you guys, but I have the tendency to turn into a complete nightmare- one minute I’m squawking about how nothing is ever where I left it (the sellotape! ALWAYS), and the next I’m crying at the cute kittens on the Friskies ads (“but babe, are they really happy on that set??”). My poor boyfriend. However, over the years I’ve started to figure out ways that I can deal with shark week in a much more productive way. Because seriously, we all have such hectic lives to live (& don’t even get me started when Mercury is in retrograde)- getting our period should absolutely not stand in our way of being awesome. Let’s roll!
I’ve been sitting here staring at the screen trying to figure out how to begin. This week’s recap isn’t one that I’m particularly excited about writing. I considered skipping it altogether...but to pretend that a problem doesn’t exist is a cop-out, in my eyes. I’m not so silly to think that you guys come here to read about my thoughts or feelings; I know that you’re here to read a play-by-play (often slightly drunken) recap of events. I joke, I take the piss, I swear, I scoff & you all seem to like it, because you keep coming back (thank you). However, the recap this week is going to be a little different, & I want to explain why.
Most of you will by now be aware that Julia says something really shitty in this week’s episode. I’m not going to write what she said, because I’ve never written (or said) this particular word in my life, & I don’t intend to start now. The word makes me feel physically ill, and I’m proud to say that I don’t associate with ANYONE that throws it around...whether it’s a “boating term” or not. It is revolting, highly offensive, & indicates a person’s true character & values.
As I said above, to pretend it didn't happen is not an option for me. To gloss over it, or (god forbid) make light of it is even less of an option. This week, I will recap exactly what happens in the episode in a very minimalistic manner. This way, those of you who choose to read my recaps so you don’t have to watch the show (bless you!) won’t be let down. All the details will be there, I promise. Aside from quoting Julia, that is. However, there will be very little, if any, humour. There will be no pictures to lighten it up. I’m just not in the mood, and I hope you understand. Next week, I am hopeful that I will be able to get drunk and take the piss as usual. But this will be dependent on how this issue is handled.
For me personally, my approach to this particular word is one of zero-tolerance. I will never say it, write it, or associate with people who do so. If it is uttered in my company I speak up, and generally choose to leave the room. It is not okay, and I just know that all of you agree with me, I can feel it. I strongly urge all of you to really think about the ramifications of throwing racial slurs around, and consider how you can make a difference by adopting a similar zero-tolerance policy. If you’re unfortunate enough to be around someone who has no qualms about using racial slurs, challenge them. Speak up. Tell them it’s not okay, and tell them that we as New Zealanders are better than that. Julia embarrassed New Zealand via a platform that belongs to a worldwide franchise. She let us down. We can do better, so let’s start now. Thank you for understanding, I'll see you back here on Wednesday with the recap.
This is the part of the blog where I write about anything I like, so...