Well. I’m hooked. It’s nice that they’re not blipping out the swears, mainly because if they did, we’d be left with bugger all.
Victoria and Krissy are having lunch (booze) in Coogee, I think. Krissy tells us that she lives in Double Bay and that it is ridiculously expensive. Cool. She is fishing with her kid, but it ends when she says she is getting prawny fingers. Now she’s having an inappropriate tennis lesson because of course she is. She says she is a trophy wife, “gosh yeah”. Her husband lives in China which is nice for him. She tells us about him coming or something but I’m not paying attention. She has a tonne of staff, and blah blah. Oh and she used to be a model, about 600 years ago. I’m feeling her vibe, but NEXT.
Back to the booze lunch. They both order Skinny Bitches with FRAAAAYSH LIME. It’s got to be FRAAAAYSSHHHH LIME.
Victoria tells us she lives in Bondi Beach, and she has a sick apartment. She has major investments in a silicon company, and it shows. She never washes her own hair, and tells her hairdresser she had a vodka for dinner the night before. Victoria has been married twice and says husbands are overrated. She has a very cute dog and a nice son. Art art art, boring. Oooh Hermes Birkin, she has several wtf. She tells us she’s a straight shooter and that she hates bullshit. I like her already.
Nicole is joining them, and I didn’t catch where she is from. Somewhere ridiculously expensive, obviously. She was Miss Australia in 2002, and she is still quite a babe. She’s just come back from living in London, but her husband is staying in London which is nice for him. She’s unpacking and all I see is Chanel.Nicole doesn’t have any staff yet but oh FUCK SHE WILL SOON.
Okay so now we’re back at the booze lunch. Nicole is waffling on about flying at the front, first class, on & on. She tells the girls that she takes her kids on walks through economy class to look at all the cramped peasants. Krissy seems open to Nicole, but Victoria is like “eerghhh shut up” and so am I. Nicole just talks constantly about herself and money and herself but mostly money. She is also throwing herself a welcome back party, which she invites “the girls” to.
They bitch about the other housewives eg Lisa Oldfield (Victoria says, “Pauline Hanson banged her husband?” ALLEGEDLY), and Athena (Victoria says she’s Jatz crackers aka mental and crazy). Victoria says, “I don’t like to gossip but I do like to know who’s screwing who”. Same.
Now we meet Matty, who is amazing and I love her. She is a tiny pocket rocket from Double Bay, and tells us that she is beautiful and I am laughing. She is Persian and her husband is Greek and so they fight often but they are really fucking cute. We see her fighting in a bloody lovely way with her mum, and look, I just like her okay. She owns a medispa, and knows alllll about Botox and fillers so YAY. Her PA leaves a little to be desired, but as she is not a cast member I try to take no notice of her. Lisa Oldfield is there getting her face scraped while Matty freezes her own fat. This is the truth.
Lisa’s turn to do an intro. She is a ballbuster and I like it. She is at the shooting range and is fucking terrifying, quite frankly. Her house is AMAZING, it’s out in the country, and she is taking her sons to feed the chooks. OH MY GOD her chickens names are Whitney Houst-Hen and Victoria Peck-ham. I am DECEASED.she tells us her parenting style is freestyle, and that she doesn’t sugarcoat things. This is evident when her kid is bored of the hens and tries to move away and she growls (actually growls) “Stop it, stop it. Now stand still and BE HAPPY”. Good luck, wee mate. Now they’re inside where the boys are happily playing, and Lisa says they’re going to bring out Shelley to play, whoever the fuck Shelley is. Oh it’s a ten foot python. Here are some things said during this scene: “Shelley, why are you shoving your head up my vagina?”, “Oooh, she’s trying to bite your penis!”, “Give her a nice pat”, “Just gentle pats….pat the snake or I’ll SMACK you”, “Oooh she just did a wee and a poo”. We meet her husband, who formed the One Nation party with old Pauline, and I’m not going there. She tells him to fucking shut up, you cunt. That word was blipped on the show, by the way, but I have a job to do here and so I will not blip my own words. Mum- I told you not to read these posts for a reason. Anyway, Lisa already has a huge problem with Victoria for talking about Lisa’s husband’s sexual antics or non antics, and thinks Victoria isn’t “getting any”, and sounds like a bitch.
The next housewife is Athena X, and I can tell you right now that I will be dropping the X because for fucks sake. Athena is an idiot. She “works” at the family business, a jewellers, in case you cared, which you don’t. She tells us she is 80% vegan, and I am like SHUT THE FUCK UP. Athena is into meditating, and says it’s like a telephone between her and god. Reincarnation. I am tuning out because I cannot. Now she is painting awful paintings and her husband and kids are looking as confused by her as I feel. Her husband seems quite sweet, the poor bastard. She’s now talking about the other dimension and time travel, so I’m going to skip it. And skip her, actually.
AD BREAK AND WILL THIS EVER END???!!!!
NOW WE’RE MEETING OOPS CAPSLOCK another housewife and I am like what the fuck how many are there. It’s Melissa Tkautz, who I vaguely recognise but only marginally. We learn a bit about her, and either she’s a bit bland or I am starting to run out of steam- potentially both. She WAS a popstar, but says she is STILL a popstar. She has had one number one single, and no others as far as I can tell. Her manager is Shane and he is wearing his hat in a stupid way. I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel here you guys.Melissa did a horror movie about killer bees and loves shoes. Hnnnng.
Finally, it’s the next day or whatever, and Victoria is getting ready for Nicole’s farewell party & bitching to her hairdresser about Nicole & Lisa. And Athena.
Speaking of Athena, she is wearing a mad gold dress and looks like an Oscar statue. Now she is putting on a fishing net shawl, and her husband tells her it is fucking ugly and it is. Athena says it is avant garde which we all know is another word for ugly.
AD BREAK- MAYBE THE LAST ONE BUT PROBABLY NOT!!!!!
It’s time for Nicole’s welcome home party which she is throwing for herself and I am laughing because who bloody does that. Athena, Matty & Lisa are taking a limo (cringe) to the party together, and everyone is weirded out by Athena’s ropey shawl. Victoria and Nicole are going together because they are besties. Athena finds out Victoria called her a cracker jack, but doesn’t seem particularly worried, and takes it as a compliment because she is an ARTIST. Athena tells the women that Victoria used to be a fat little girl which is quite shit. You can absolutely insult someone without resorting to body-shaming, and she is just a dick.
Everyone arrives and people are laughing at Athena’s mad outfit, which is valid. Krissy hits on/insults the waiter who is young enough to be her son.They’re all air kissing each other and being fake as fuck which is par for the course. Lisa snarks about Victoria. Victoria snarks about Nicole. Melissa literally gets caught in Athena’s net. Krissy takes the piss out of Athena’s Greek accent & Athena gets fucked off.athena looks into Nicole’s eyes and says she “gives her namaste” which is both hilarious and awful. Krissy dies laughing and Victoria asks if namaste is like hummus. Athena says Krissy is acting like a really annoying fly.
Nicole gives a boring speech which everyone pretends to listen to, and then Lisa makes a speech that people try to listen to but Krissy interrupts. Holy fuck Lisa just called Krissy CHEWBACCA and I am dead.Krissy doesn’t know what or who Chewbacca is, and Victoria tells her it’s a “big hairy unit” which is accurate. Victoria hates Athena and her fish shawl, and Lisa hates Krissy and her big gob. Standard.
AD BREAK THIS HAS TO BE THE LAST ONE!!!!!
Krissy tells Athena her “net” is stunning and that they could throw her overboard because she looks like a mermaid. Athena is talking about sending love and eyes being soul windows and everyone is eerghhh. Athena tells Krissy she is being condescending, and Krissy says she’s just trying to “get it”. Lisa thinks Krissy is a bully, and says that she was the girl at school giving handjobs to the boys behind the bikesheds (Krissy that is). I am still dying. Victoria tells Athena that she finds the spirituality stuff “all a bit much” which I co sign, and Athena takes umbrage. They’re all talking at once and I am just drinking and along for the ride.
The cracker jack comments and comments about Pauline Hanson/Lisa’s husband/sex come up, and Victoria is like WHATEVER and doesn’t care. She DOES care that Nicole sold her out by telling Lisa & Athena what she said, though, and tells her that she needs “to shut up”. Matty tells Victoria what Athena said about her being a fat little girl and oooooooh. The shit is going to hit the fish net very soon. Athena tries to backtrack but Victoria is having NONE of it. Athena then says, “What are you offended about? That you were a fat little girl? Isn’t that the reality?” and everyone screaMs and does faces like :O Athena tells Krissy to zip it up, and says she is having an out of body experience. Then Athena yells, “SHE CALLED ME FUCKING CRAZY, YOU IDIOT”, and Krissy tells her to namaste. Lololol.
Victoria asks to be Athena’s friend, and asks if she can try the fish net capel on. Victoria takes the cape and then biffs it off the side of the building into the sea, saying, “You can go and get your fucking cape” & walks off. SCREAM. Everyone is looking beautifully shocked and saying the word “unacceptable” over and over, but they are saying it so it sounds like “un-ass-ept-ubbel”. Victoria and Krissy give no fucks, leave together, and maintain that Victoria did Athena a favour, because the fish net was “the ugliest cape” she’s ever seen in her life.