Right so, The Real Housewives of Sydney premiered last night in NZ, and quite frankly, I don’t think anyone gave a shit. However I did, as much as one CAN give a shit about reality tv shows, so I’m going to sit down and give you a play by play of the whole shambolic episode. These women are fucking crazy, and it’s hard to believe that they are real humans. They have muchos plastic surgery which I am all for, but holy smokes, they REALLY have muchos of it. They blurt out some of the oddest, stupidest things I’ve ever heard, some bordering on slight abuse (or actual abuse, depending on what side of the fence you place yourself). But it wasn’t boring, unlike the last season of The Bachelor after Shari left, which is awesome. LET US BEGIN and please excuse the typos of which I know there will be many..
Jesus- is it that time already? I was having quite a nice week until I remembered this show was on. That’s a lie, my week has been RUBBISH and FERAL. Regardless...is it just me that’s starting to be less than enthused about RHOAKL? Are the women becoming less and less relatable every week? These are the sort of burning questions that drive me to drink. Selaks sav is on special at Countdown for $12.99, FYI. Bottoms UP.
Hello kitten loves. If this is your first time reading one of my recaps, please check out the following link:
The post above explains why this recap is vastly different to any of my previous ones, and addresses my thoughts on the vile situation that Julia has created. Merci!
Episode 6 recap:
*pause for a drink*
*pause to get another drink*
Soooo- it feels like WEEKS since the last episode, and quite honestly, it felt like it took weeks to watch tonight's ep. Maybe there wasn't enough fighting. Maybe there wasn't enough Gilda. Maybe there was too much Julia. Who bloody knows. This week saw Angela have a SLIGHT reprieve in being the number one asshole, & Julia shuffled up to take her place in a hideous bikini. Anyway, let's get on with it- grab your wine- a bottle, not a glass. And don't forget to NOT hold it by the stem.
Nothing about the teasers for this episode made me feel particularly excited, and so I nearly forgot this was even ON. I guess I was too busy being excited about the $9.99 Montana Pinot Noir I found on spesh at Countdown today….take THAT, Anne. I am also holding my glass NOT by the stem, because I am a pov. Let’s shuffle on, my peasant friends.
The festival of nonsense opens with a wild-eyed Angela and her straight out of drama school faux French PA Lea going house-hunting. I suspected Lea was an actor last week, and now it’s just so obvious that I feel quite ragey that bravo expects us to fall for this shit. I mean, come on. The overly-familiar real estate agent (eg “This is going to tick a few boxes for you, Ang”) is showing them around a house in St Heliers. For those of you unfamiliar with Auckland, St Heliers is a place where old rich people pretend they are living in St Tropez, the prices are jacked up, and it’s really as dull as fucking dishwater, though scenic. They’re banging on about indoor and outdoor flow, and I just want to flow into my glass already. Angela asks Lea, “Do you have this in France?”. No, Angela, they all live like sardines crammed on top of one another in the Eiffel Tower. For fucks sake.
Tonight began badly before the show even started because I wanted to make a Bloody Mary but the tomato juice was bloody frozen because it is so bloody fucking COLD here. QUEL DOMMAGE. Trying not to see it as karmic justice, I settled on ol’ faithful, Wither Hills. The trailer for this week’s ep looked pretty good, except after watching the show, we basically saw all the best bits- with the exception of Anne JUST BEING ANNE- she is a goddess. Apart from the fur, which is vile. But I digress- let’s go.
We begin at Goose Creek, Anne’s estate.. Mate. She’s feeding her “#1 pussy”, Champagne. Note the comma, okay? She is NOT feeding Champagne champagne. Her and her husband (I forget his name- John? Jim? Bob? whatever) are saying the word “pussy” far too much, and Anne is all AHAHAHAAAGGGHHHAAAGGHH. But they are very cute, sexual innuendo overload aside. Anne has invited Michelle over to show her the “Pussy Palace” (sigh), the cat shelter that she has built on her property. Michelle hates cats which makes me hate her. Kidding, but not really. She is looking disgusted and sneering at the smell and I really just cannot with people that sneer constantly. Michelle is legit curling her lip up so far that you can see it disappearing up her nostrils & springing out the back of her head. It is blatantly obvious that this is a highly rehearsed scene, with Michelle tottering around in Gucci & Hermes squawking & complaining, but it is mildly amusing.
*sorry not sorry for all the typos- I had to write all of this on my phone because my laptop is DEAD. Karma???*
AAAAAJ-HAAHAAHA-HAAAA. I'm quoting Anne and her salmon fisherman laugh, because tonight's episode was just MESSY on so many levels. I have to be 100% honest with you guys, because otherwise there's just no bloody point in all of this- I'm going to have an incredibly hard time recapping tonight because of how biased I am towards one particular housewife. I love her. She's been really bloody good to me, so this is TOUGH. I've tried and tried to think about how I can distance myself from this insane situation so I can recap unbiased, to the point where I'm like, "Okay. Okay- if I didn't KNOW her, what would I think?". But essentially it boils down to how much I hate idle gossip, negative female dynamics, and bullshit hearsay. I'm 99% positive that I'd find that behaviour revolting whether or not I knew one of the women. Without going into too much detail, (because I feel like you all know where my allegiances lie anyway), please remember that there are always two sides to every story. Maybe even three, or four sides. Someone may seem as warm as a fridge, when in actuality, they'll give you the fucking coat off their back if you need it. Even if it's Gucci. Probably. I think. The smallest comfort is that I know full well that she's got it ALL under control, and can look after herself...with or without an AK47. Let's roll!!!!!
*sorry not sorry for the typos of which there are plentiful*
Lest anyone think that I think I'm too cool for this show- I did an involuntary scream and weird jig of excitement when it began. Lest anyone think that I think I'm "above" these kind of shows- I cooked rissoles for dinner. RISSOLES, MATE. I was just like every other nosey New Zealander wanting to get a pervy glimpse into the lives of...well...the glitterati, I guess? No matter that I'd only heard of two of them. I didn't want to miss this clusterfuck for the world, and I have no regrets.
As expressed previously here, I am only writing what I see- & I realise that what I write isn't necessarily the truth. But honestly- did you come here for the truth? Or did you come here for a reasonably (albeit not quite sober) recap of events? If you're a cast member on this show and reading this (which I doubt, because I'm sure you're FAR too busy living your lives or some semblance of it)- clearly I don't know what went on behind the scenes. I'm sure you're all lovely. Really. No- really. Reaaaaally.
Holy crap, I'm doing this recap so late in the week- SORRY GUYS! Work/life got hectic, & we can't all take time off to go & sit in a rented "mansion", get drunk, & pretend to be in love with an aspiring actor called Schmordan. Actually, all of that sounds pretty fun, apart from the Schmordan bit. It's 10am, so the strongest thing I have is a Red Bull- it's not cutting it. Before I begin, for those of you with Instagram need to go & follow Shari- she is fucking amazing, & takes the piss. I love her. She gets it, AND she gets my "humour", & she just plain rules. Let's go
RIGHT. I slept more or less ALL Easter, so I feel vaguely prepared to start watching this, but I'm still reluctant. Even more so because I did some binge-watching of Real Housewives of Melbourne, which is a bloody QUALITY "reality" TV show, possibly the best in the entire franchise....so tonight's ep of The Bach' has large shoes to fill. It's not going to fill them, this I am sure of. I'm branching out tonight & drinking the Moa Apple Cider, and it is TOP NOTCH. Let's roll. (Can you tell how relaxed I am? I got through an entire paragraph without swearing)
This is the part of the blog where I write about anything I like, so...