Holy crap, I'm doing this recap so late in the week- SORRY GUYS! Work/life got hectic, & we can't all take time off to go & sit in a rented "mansion", get drunk, & pretend to be in love with an aspiring actor called Schmordan. Actually, all of that sounds pretty fun, apart from the Schmordan bit. It's 10am, so the strongest thing I have is a Red Bull- it's not cutting it. Before I begin, for those of you with Instagram need to go & follow Shari- she is fucking amazing, & takes the piss. I love her. She gets it, AND she gets my "humour", & she just plain rules. Let's go
RIGHT. I slept more or less ALL Easter, so I feel vaguely prepared to start watching this, but I'm still reluctant. Even more so because I did some binge-watching of Real Housewives of Melbourne, which is a bloody QUALITY "reality" TV show, possibly the best in the entire franchise....so tonight's ep of The Bach' has large shoes to fill. It's not going to fill them, this I am sure of. I'm branching out tonight & drinking the Moa Apple Cider, and it is TOP NOTCH. Let's roll. (Can you tell how relaxed I am? I got through an entire paragraph without swearing)
Tonight I am accompanied by a unsponsored bottle of Shingle Peak sav, an old fave, and I am REARING to go. Or is it RARING? Who cares, I'm ready. I went to a wedding last Saturday for two people I absolutely love- & got to catch up with a shit tonne of other amazing humans that I hadn't seen in years. Some of them even read these recaps- GASP! That makes at least ten readers. So, to the ten of you, thank you, & drink up. You're going to need it because tonight's ep looks boring as shit, which in turn makes for a boring as shit recap. I'm sorry, I'm sorry- I don't have a hell of a lot to work with. GAME TIME.
Okay look- this show is a load of shit and I hate it. It is, quite simply, the most mindless, embarrassing, low-budget, cringeworthy, sorry excuse for a reality TV show that I have ever watched. I am 36, and I have watched a LOT of TV. Especially reality TV. I have watched all 20 seasons of The Bachelor US. I have watched the complete seasons of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, New York, Melbourne, Orange County, & New Jersey. I have watched all the seasons of Big Brother Australia, and the occasional season of Celebrity Big Brother UK. I have also watched every episode of Jersey Shore, Geordie Shore, Ex On The Beach, Vanderpump Rules, The Dance Scene, The Single Life, Bachelor Pad, Beauty & the Geek, Teen Mom, the idiot Kardashians, those godawful Playboy mansion ones, & fuck man, I'm about to jump off a tall building because I'm just realising what a sicko I am for reality TV.
We're back again for another gruelling episode, & all I can hope at this stage is that the dates are better than last night's. Washing dogs & then getting hosed down by a dude do not an ideal date make, to say the very fucking least. I'd again, for the millionth time like to emphasise that I do not know ANY of these contestants, so what I wrote is purely what I see. It could be complete shit, it could be true, & quite honestly, I don't care- because I'm never likely to find out. If you are offended by what you read here, I suggest you pop over to a website where the events of each episode are recorded in a more generic, docile manner. Okay pets? OR, you can carry on reading my recaps, & talk about what a horrible person I am- just please yourself, because I...do...not...give..a...fuck <3 Tonight me ol' mucker Lake Chalice sav is joining me on the couch, I've never tried it until now, but it's QUITE nice. Is that enough for a sponsorship? Probably not, but LET US PROCEED.
This recap is dedicated to beautiful Rose for the support (& title!), & to those of you who are still reading these recaps in spite of yourselves...you know you love me XOXO GOSSIP GOAT.
Tonight I am joined on the couch by one of my fave homies, Wither Hills sav. It's been a huge help to me in past times of trauma, & I shall be relying on it heavily this evening. I'm happy to report that I have heard no goss about any of these contestants over the past while, and I'm including those sad articles online where they talk about Naz's "mysterious past", & "Reasons we love Claudia". I didn't bother to read them because as usual (a) I don't give a fuck) and (b) Mediaworks won't let anything TRULY interesting be published. I'm heading into tonight's episode 99% unbiased, as there will always always be that 1% for reasons that are none of your business. LET'S DO IT
Right- the first thing I have to say is WOW I CAN'T BELIEVE ANYONE IS READING THIS. It's just a stream of expletive-laden consciousness that is born out of a life long love/hate relationship with reality TV...aka, a complete load of nonsense- but you're still here. I thank you. and I also thank Montana wines for the particularly bog-standard sav that will be accompanying me tonight. The bottle's not even cold, or near cold, but these are desperate times and beggars cannot be choosers. I started from the bottom and now I'm here.
OK NO MESSING ABOUT LET'S GO. Tonight my partner in crime is a pleasant unsponsored bottle of Mudhouse sav- I don't know what year because I haven't looked & it doesn't matter. We "finally" meet the Bach', Schmordan Schmauger, except we "met" him a week ago, so whatever. Look, I HAVE to be honest- I find him more attractive than last year's Bach'- I DON'T KNOW WHY. But as I've said previously, I won't let aesthetics affect my judgement. There's a typical montage of Schmordan swanning around on (& in) wharves, helicopters, cars, mountain tops- the usual. Yawn. I don’t care about the cars- really, really don’t care. Another few shots of him bursting out of the ocean like a goddamn ad for Cialis, & some more of him hanging out with his family. His family looks nice and normal- almost TOO nice and normal- are they real humans? Those kids are too cute, and they look like props to me. Of COURSE they have a shot of Schmordan holding a baby, because that's an instant "NAWWWWWWW" moment right there but I am not fooled. I have my unsponsored Mudhouse to keep me on the straight & narrow.
Holy shit- here we go again. We meet Schmordan Schmauger & a whole lot of brainiacs vying for his cash/heart this Monday.Watching & recapping The Bachelor NZ requires vital props: a bottle of sav (pref NZ, pref cheap), MySky (not sponsored, as if SkyTV would fork out), & a death wish. Because seriously, in order to recap properly, you have to watch the episode at LEAST 3 times...3 hours worth of vapid dipshits. Then you have to dissect it all (because obviously these kind of shows are SO complex), write it all down- & then try & be mildly funny. I'm taking some of the pressure off myself this season by not attempting to be funny- I'm just going to write what I see...deal? It does take a wee bit (a lot bit) of time to do this, but I'll always have the recap up the following day. Don't kill me. Actually no- you CAN kill me.
OH, & as a precursor- no, no one is making me do this. But a hell of a lot of you asked me to, so I shall, & maybe one day someone will even care enough to pay me for the 6 hours of torture per week (pfft). Another precursor- I have never met The Bach', or any of the "ladies"- therefore, whatever I write is based on what I see with my eyeballs. If I say that Blonde #1 is a dickhead, & that Brunette #3 is as mad as a cut snake- it's not because they ACTUALLY are (probably). It's what I see thanks to the television editors from TV3. I will try to be unbiased by being horrible about everyone in equal measures- god knows I don't want to be accused of playing favourites like I did last year. HONESTLY. I do have SOME integrity. PS LOVE YOU MATILDA AMANDA AND DANI.
SO IN SAYING ALL THAT- I am ready for you, Schmordan Schmauger. I like your face more than I liked Art's face (HI ART), but I'm reserving any and all judgement until Monday night. I refuse to give TV3 any free advertising, so if you're not sure what time the premiere episode is on, you can google it...or skip the viewing altogether, & just read the recaps. Will you accept this cat?
I was going to attempt to write an intro for tonight's ep, but honestly, I can't stop laughing, and my eyes are nearly bugging out of my skull. Neither of these are conducive to intelligent writing, so instead of that, how about I just get started recapping this idiotic show? Okay? COOL.
This is the part of the blog where I write about anything I like, so...