Lest anyone think that I think I'm too cool for this show- I did an involuntary scream and weird jig of excitement when it began. Lest anyone think that I think I'm "above" these kind of shows- I cooked rissoles for dinner. RISSOLES, MATE. I was just like every other nosey New Zealander wanting to get a pervy glimpse into the lives of...well...the glitterati, I guess? No matter that I'd only heard of two of them. I didn't want to miss this clusterfuck for the world, and I have no regrets.
As expressed previously here, I am only writing what I see- & I realise that what I write isn't necessarily the truth. But honestly- did you come here for the truth? Or did you come here for a reasonably (albeit not quite sober) recap of events? If you're a cast member on this show and reading this (which I doubt, because I'm sure you're FAR too busy living your lives or some semblance of it)- clearly I don't know what went on behind the scenes. I'm sure you're all lovely. Really. No- really. Reaaaaally.
Louise Wallace is bloody amazing. I'm not sure if I was laughing from nerves, hysteria, or genuine glee, but I was laughing all the same. We were introduced to her myriad of "help"- does anyone else hate that term?! I especially adored her gardener, Christiine, who took the piss out of Louise almost immediately. "YOU ALWAYS DO LAMB", she crowed, whilst belting Louise on the shoulder. More of her, please, she was fantastic. Honestly though, so far, Louise is caning it, & I say that in the most oamaru way possible. Her husband seems normal, she's hilarious, and I'd go out on the raz with her in a heartbeat. Except, that wouldn't happen because I cook fucking rissoles. RISSOLES.
Anyway, she's going to the TK (Turet Knuefermann, idiots) (yeah I had to google it) fashion show at Soul Bar (OF COURSE). She's invited her mates/new cast members- Gilda, Julia & Angela. Let's break it down!
Then there's Julia. I'm kind of like, ehhh at first. Apparently she's very well-known in the Auckland social scene, & tells us that when she walks into a room, people are going to look at her. And that she likes it. I am guffawing at her 1980's modelling montage, & then I guffaw more at her absurd hairstylist Sid- especially when he agrees with her that she needs fillers. We meet Julia's kids, but I'm not going to talk about them because I will not be writing about any of the women's children on this blog- fair? It's kind of a rule. Anyway, Julia is at an art gallery, and I am bored, so let's move on.
Okay- the first real, honest guffaw of the series is when Louise describes Angela as a "big unit". These women?! I know it's the Real Housewives franchise, but fuck man, they verbalise eeeeeevery thought. And yes, Angela is beautifully tall (& beautiful), and I guess big on personality. She's a fashion designer, a model, an author, a life coach, a volunteer ambulance officer, an Outward Bound leader, a Circo Arts lecturer at the University of Canterbury, and a pain in Gilda's ass. Ok, I made those last few ones up....or did I? Angela also found it appropriate to gift all the women a copy of her "Style Guide" book. I am crying laughing because their facial expressions are so good- the day that these ladies take styling advice from a Christchurch stylist is the day
they would all rather die.
After some furious deep breaths and reassurance from my boyfriend that I'm not a total loser (he looked like a caged animal, seriously), I'm ready for the rest of them.
Thennnnnn finally, Michelle. She scared the shit out of me, quite frankly. Very intimidating, tall, tall beautiful model type who has horses at home but actually hates horses. The horse hates her too because he gives her a swift kick, something that I'm sure Angela would like to do later on. Wants a handrail on the stairs ("It's driving me INSANE, DAH-LING") and has HILARIOUS (huh) banter with her husband about the rails not being available at Bunnings. What the fuck is wrong with Bunnings, though? Did I miss something? Clearly Bunnings is NOT OKAY in Real Housewives land, & I hope that you've all realised this as much as I have. But yah- beautiful, beautiful home/kids/life etc, and I'm moving on before I get depressed again.
Right, so Julia & Anne are getting on the raz in the middle of the day, which I approve of, & Julia invites her to her birthday lunch which will be at the private dining room at Ostro. Of course. Anne tells off Julia for holding her wine glass like a mug of beer, & I look down & realise I'm doing the same thing. Such trash. Julia digs for goss about Gilda from Anne, who isn't particularly forthcoming, & they bang on for a bit about the age difference between Gilda & her ex husband. This is boring to me now because everyone in bloody Auckland has heard this tired old story for YEARS. They speculate about whether or not she's a gold digger, & Julia tells us, "I can't believe Anne called Gilda a gold digger", except she didn't, mate. Julia said it first, and Anne repeated it- I SAW THIS SO DON'T TRY TO BE TRICKY, J!!!
We meet Julia's husband, whose name I miss but I'm not overly bothered by it. He's a bit...cringe. Makes me screw up my nose. Says the actual words, "Darling, you need to understand- I pay for the pants, & I get into the pants- that's my role". Vom. Julia says that she's the perfect wife, & that she keeps her husband happy, & that she knows "how to do that". I'll leave you guys with that imagery.
It's the next day- I think??- & Julia has hired a limo to take "the girls" to her birthday, except Michelle & Gilda think limos are "tacky", so they take the Rolls. Totally identify, totally, & I'm sure all of you do, too (eye roll). Gilda takes 6 million selfies while Michelle checks her Twitter feed. They are very busy & important. This is exciting because Michelle hasn't met the others...oooooohhhhh. Angela is nervous about seeing Gilda, & fair enough after the Soul Bar debacle. RUH ROH- Angela tells us that she thinks Gilda is "extremely rude" for not standing up to meet her when introduced the other night. Maybe Gilda did stand though? Gilda is so tiny, & Angela is so tall- perhaps all sense of proportion was lost in the giddiness of Soul Bar?