AAAAAJ-HAAHAAHA-HAAAA. I'm quoting Anne and her salmon fisherman laugh, because tonight's episode was just MESSY on so many levels. I have to be 100% honest with you guys, because otherwise there's just no bloody point in all of this- I'm going to have an incredibly hard time recapping tonight because of how biased I am towards one particular housewife. I love her. She's been really bloody good to me, so this is TOUGH. I've tried and tried to think about how I can distance myself from this insane situation so I can recap unbiased, to the point where I'm like, "Okay. Okay- if I didn't KNOW her, what would I think?". But essentially it boils down to how much I hate idle gossip, negative female dynamics, and bullshit hearsay. I'm 99% positive that I'd find that behaviour revolting whether or not I knew one of the women. Without going into too much detail, (because I feel like you all know where my allegiances lie anyway), please remember that there are always two sides to every story. Maybe even three, or four sides. Someone may seem as warm as a fridge, when in actuality, they'll give you the fucking coat off their back if you need it. Even if it's Gucci. Probably. I think. The smallest comfort is that I know full well that she's got it ALL under control, and can look after herself...with or without an AK47. Let's roll!!!!!
Okay, so Michelle is taking her dog over to Gilda's for a, uh, doggy play date. This is something that rich ladies do so they can have an excuse to drink before 5pm- I feel you, sisters! Tumbleweed, rissole woman. Anyway, Michelle's dog is adorable, but has clearly never been trained a day in its life. I mean, fuck mate, he's chewing on his Louis Vuitton lead- get a grip, idiot. Michelle is really not down with the dog, and I'm dying because it looks like he's trying to drag her off the edge of the cliffs on Paritai- and wouldn't that be a FABULOUS way to die?!? Death by Visla upon Paritai. Dead.
Gilda's house is gorgeous, as are her dogs, and it's so beautiful inside LIKE A MUSEUM. There's even a bloody harp. Who has a harp??? If that dog knocks over the harp I am done. The ladies sit down, and Michelle waffles on about how she feels bad about ruining Julia's birthday lunch. So she's going to host a dinner party. She's not going to cook, and you can't wear shoes, but it's going to be so lovely. Okay? In case you wondered what Gilda had to say about this, I'll tell you. She said fuck all. But her eyebrows spoke multitudes. If I could emoji her face; it'd be like this -_-
Christ, what next? There's so much, so let's break it down into best bits:
⁃ The bit when Angela visited the voodoo lady, who has the unremarkable name of Karen
Look, I don't mind if other people are into focusing on their chakras, but it just...makes...me...cringe. It's odd that Angela is into this shit, because I don't feel like it's something a staunch Cantabrian would generally do, but whatever grinds your gears, mate. After having another whinge about the plus-size model comment, she lies down and Karen starts waving her arms around, and saying things like, "Honey, oi cun foiiiil thuh uhhhh-nudgeee, ut's loike duggers un your buck", & "thuh duggers are going choing choing choing". Angela also has a cord around her chakra. Karen is doing hyperventilating deep breaths, and apparently pulling out daggers and swords. It looks like she's giving her a Caesarean. This is a load of shite and I am DONE.
⁃ The bit when Angela tries to give Anne an unasked-for wardrobe makeover
Anne has invited Angela & Julia over to get on the raz, and Angela brings a rack of clothes. Anne looks at the rack like dead cow carcasses are hanging off it. I am screaming because this is UNREAL. Anne, to her credit, is throwing her a bone, and doesn't even flinch when Angela describes wardrobe cleaning out as "lethargic". DYING. If you're going to try and use words, mate, get it right. It's CATHARTIC. Julia turns up, and is trying desperately not to laugh at the spectacle. Anne hates everything, & Angela gives up, & just gives her a copy of that blasted book. Anne throws it over her shoulder and tells her to fuck off.
She is in the kitchen fucking around with some potatoes, and bossing her husband around, telling him he's got to wear a belt- she doesn't want to see "crack". Okay, then. Neither do we. She then tells him off for using her towel, and fuck me, he's a patient man.
⁃ NO SHOES
If there's one thing I can't bear, it's THOSE kind of people. The "remove your shoes" kind of people. Maybe if you were wearing gumboots covered in mud, or whatever, but not as a rule. It's so fucking pretentious and I HATE it. Julia & Louise look fairly shocked when Michelle tells them to take their bloody shoes off, but they crack on. Louise takes the piss out of her here, and it is great. Michelle gives no fucks, however. Gilda arrives, greets the chicken, & dutifully removes her insanely great shoes. Angela & Anne look appalled at the footwear rule, quite frankly- particularly Anne who is like "WHAT THE FUCK", and goes "AAAAAJ-HAAHAAHA-HAAAA", and so do I.
⁃ Louise thinks the bar is shite & Angela doesn't get given a drink
Angela's husband is proudly showing off the (quite frankly hideous) yellow & gold marble bar, and Louise tells us that not only does she not like it, but it needs about 20-30 bottles of more booze. I applaud, and pour another drink- not from my bar. From my $11.99 bottle of wine that is sitting on the carpet. RUH ROH! They start to have a toast, and Angela hasn't been given a glass of champagne, and thinks it is deliberate. I think it was a mistake, and that she is an idiot.
⁃ The beginning of the gossip
While Michelle shows Gilda and Anne around her house, Julia, Angela & Louise start to talk about Gilda. Julia starts off, and tells them that the other day Anne called Gilda a golddigger. But she did NOT. This is how it went the other day:
Julia-"Do you think she's a....(then mouths the words) gold digger?"
Anne- (leans in, & repeats Julia), "A gold digger?"
And that was it. Julia brought it up first, Anne was goaded into repeating it, and that is that. SO Julia- stop.
Anyway, Julia wants to tell Gilda what Anne said. Louise says, "Fuck off dick, why would you do that?". Angela is into it, and says that people need to know what people are saying. And then starts wanting to know more about Gilda's past...why. why????? WHY?? Who gives a fuck, really?I'm starting to feel extremely ragey.
Louise is OVER Angela dancing around the topic of how/if Gilda is a gold digger, and says, "Look, how she's been described in the past is *bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep". Angela is RAPT, and acts shocked, but she is bullshit. Julia knows that this is going to be bad, really bad, & it looks like she's starting to regret all of this.
⁃ Anne & Julia think the dinner party layout is NOT OKAY
I learnt something tonight. If you host a dinner party, it is NOT OKAY to have the food & wine in the middle of the table for guests to help themselves. NOT OKAY. Got it? So much for potluck dinners.
⁃ When Angela asks Gilda if she knows her seasonal palette
Honestly, what the fucking fuck is all this "colours" nonsense? As far as I'm aware, getting your "colours done" was huge in the 1980's, and the fact that Angela is banging on about it in 2016 while thinking of herself as "modern" is a fucking joke. she keeps asking Gilda annoying questions, & while Gilda is keeping it calm, it's fairly obvious that Angela is goading her. Julia does the right thing, & takes Gilda outside for a durry, then tells her that Anne called Gilda a gold digger. AAAGGHH!!!!! JULIA!!! She did NOT!!!!
⁃ The shit hits the fan
Because Gilda is not one to fuck around, she comes in and straight out asks Anne about what she said. Anne looks shocked, & affirms that Julia pushed her into saying it. Gilda tells the women that her ex husband is 45 years older than her, and they all pretend to be shocked, even though every man and his dog knows this. She makes no apologies, and seriously gives no fucks, which I think is great- because why should she? THEN Angela brings up the *bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*, and this time it's fairly genuinely shocked faces all round. Gilda defends herself with such awesomeness, 'I don't care what you say, I don't care about your bullshit demeanor, & your gossipy character, & your fake smile with those eyes going "dooongdooongdooong". SO GOOD I AM SCREAMING ARE YOU????!!!!! She also says that Angela will never be welcome in her home, and that she'll never be considered a friend. OUCH. BANGBANGBANG- that is me whacking my tin cup on the bars in my cell, "GET HER GET HER". So fucking great.
⁃ The shit keeps hitting the fan
Gilda tells Angela to stop looking at her, Angela holds a plate up in front of Gilda's face and proclaims, "Gilda doesn't exist", and Gilda says something we are all thinking, "What the fuck is wrong with you?". JESUS I AM NOT EVEN BREATHING RIGHT NOW. Angela says people are talking about Gilda "on the street"- huh? Gilda says, "You know what I've heard about you? Not a fucking thing." GAHHHHHHHHHHHH! And then- just when we thought it was over, Angela brings up the *bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep* AGAIN. What the fuck???? Then this happens:
Gilda- "Ohhhh Angela, shut the fuck up"
Angela- "Get fucked Gilda"
Angela storms out, & gets in a taxi. BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Michelle wraps it all up nicely by saying, "This is Gilda's town. It is not Christchurch".
So- what was the *bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*? You'll never know, trust me. AAAAAJ-HAAHAAHA-HAAAA.