We begin at Goose Creek, Anne’s estate.. Mate. She’s feeding her “#1 pussy”, Champagne. Note the comma, okay? She is NOT feeding Champagne champagne. Her and her husband (I forget his name- John? Jim? Bob? whatever) are saying the word “pussy” far too much, and Anne is all AHAHAHAAAGGGHHHAAAGGHH. But they are very cute, sexual innuendo overload aside. Anne has invited Michelle over to show her the “Pussy Palace” (sigh), the cat shelter that she has built on her property. Michelle hates cats which makes me hate her. Kidding, but not really. She is looking disgusted and sneering at the smell and I really just cannot with people that sneer constantly. Michelle is legit curling her lip up so far that you can see it disappearing up her nostrils & springing out the back of her head. It is blatantly obvious that this is a highly rehearsed scene, with Michelle tottering around in Gucci & Hermes squawking & complaining, but it is mildly amusing.
Right, now we’re with boring Julia. I just can’t summon up any excitement about this woman. She’s off to the Skin Institute to get a Vampire Facial- yup, the same one Kim K got. In TOTAL layman's terms (I’m not a scientist- if I was, would I be writing these recaps?), they take blood out of you, spin it around in a doolally, then inject it back into you in the area of concern (Julia chose her neck, Kim K did her face), & it’s meant to be miraculous and anti-ageing. I can’t bitch about it, because I’d try it in a heartbeat. Julia has invited Louise & Anne, who proceed to attack her (with words, not guns) when she is getting shot up with plasma. They’re complaining about the other night, but I’m not listening because (a) boring and (b) I’m fascinated by the state of Julia’s neck afterwards. It looks like she rubbed a wasps nest all over her throat and then dry humped it. Really.
Angela to us, “She is French, and I try to help her with the DIFFICULT words” (smiles smugly)
Angela to Lea, “You’ll...need...to...book...a….RESERVATION...do you know what that means?
Below is what Lea’s face was in reaction. By the way, Angela, you cock, “reservation” is a fucking French word- so I’m fairly certain Lea knows what it means.
Errrgh, Angela is furniture shopping and I am yawning. She’s invited Michelle along which is implausible and stupid. So stupid that I’m skipping this bit and moving on to spare you.
Gilda & Michelle are in Zambesi finding something to wear to Anne’s Pussy Galore party. Gilda is less than stoked about going, and now I know this is scripted because in real life, there is no fucking way Gilda goes to something she doesn’t want to go to. Hell would freeze over. But whatever- this is how the RH franchise goes. Gilda & Michelle talk about how Louise vomited and then Angela threw said vomit in Gilda’s face, and it’s a pretty great analogy if I’m honest. Michelle tries to cram a pair of $2 cat ears on Gilda’s head, but no dice- Gilda says they are manky. Excellent.
We’re back out at Goose Creek, where Anne is scurrying around getting shit ready for the party. She is a stress ball, and her husband is laughing and taking the piss. I love him. He refers to her as “the little doll”, and it is adorable. He also refers to the ashes of her cats as her “dead cats”, which she takes umbrage to, as she wants to display them for the guests to see. There are a LOT of dead cats, and it’s very sweet and sad, god bless her.
THEN- DOMMAGE- THE POWER GOES OUT IN THE MARQUEE. Anne screams for Alan (the guy that does her gardening & that, and polishes her glasses), and calls it all a “bloody disaster”. She says, “we can’t have the pussies getting cold!”, & Alan pulls a face like a crab. She sculls back champagne saying, “In victory we deserve it, in defeat we need it”, and I fall a little more in love with her. Wine break. Okay, I’m back, and Anne is still swearing and her husband is lol-ing while she bosses him about. The electrician is called, and because she is mega fucking rich, he comes out immediately and solves it all. Life, eh
Louise arrives with her husband, and she’s wearing fur too. Grimace. Michelle arrives faintly complaining about Anne’s place being out “in the wops”. Gilda arrives looking AMAZING, but NOT impressed, and it looks like she is walking with a gun held to her back and maybe she is. Gilda refuses to kiss Louise, and tells Angela, “Annnnd….you don’t get a hello”. I am laughing but also scared. Angela says to Lea, “She’s the nasty one”, and tells us that Lea knew exactly what she meant. Of course she does, because I think Lea is actually a Kiwi actress, but whatever.
Anne has finally succumbed to the cold and is wearing an old goat. Michelle is green with jealousy. Louise approaches Gilda to clear up what happened the other night, & explains what happened. Gilda says she should have just shut it down. Gilda is good at using her finger to point at Louise, and each point is like DAGGER and I hope I’m never on the receiving end of that. I’m just going to stay out of Auckland forever I think. Michelle scampers over and tries to butt in, but Louise has it on lockdown. She also seems to have talked her way out of it, which is amazing, quite frankly.
WHOAH I just got really distracted by a Twitter fight- back on track. Julia is taking Michelle on a tour of Anne’s house, which is weird. They then start making fun of all of Anne’s shit, and they are being creepy and gross. What sort of humans to go a party, and then walk around by themselves taking the piss out of the host’s decor? Over it.
Anne is on the mic, and starts the auction with the fur vest modelled by Michelle. Julia is wildly jealous of Michelle being the centre of attention and it shows. Michelle points out that Angela & Julia are wearing the same outfit, and then proceeds to play “Who wore it better?”- and pronounces Julia the winner while bellowing, “BOOM BOOM! BOOM!”. Angela is fuming and gritting her teeth, Gilda is smirking, and Julia is the happiest we’ve ever seen her.
HOLY SHIT- Michelle tells Angela to pull her tummy in, and I am like WTF. I don’t partic like Angela, but this is revolting behaviour from Michelle. She’s a bloody bully. Angela then says, “I am a size 10, sweetheart”, and Michelle is like, “MORE LIKE A SIZE 12” and I am not going to comment on this because I think it’s gross. She’s going on and on about Angela’s size, and I just can’t. Angela says, “You’re not even a New Zealander, Michelle”, which is a weird thing to say. RUH ROH- Gilda has taken umbrage, and jumps in. I duck down behind a cushion and start hyperventilating. THEN THIS HAPPENS:
Angela to Gilda, “JUST TELL US WHO YOU ARE”
Gilda to Angela, “I’m everything you’re not” (I squeal)
Angela to Gilda, “NO I AM EVERYTHINK THAT YOU ARE NOT” (I guffaw at “everythink”)
Angela to Gilda, “YOU’RE THE LITTLE RUNT.”
*cue shocked faces from everyone*
Angela tells us that Gilda is the little runt and that she is the “big runt” which is not even a thing, isn’t there only ever one runt? Then she says the word “cunts”, so yeah. All the ladies are talking at once so I’ll just drink until they’re done. Okay, now Angela is auctioning off a “fashion styling package”, and everyone is like AHAHAHAAAGGGHHHAAAGGHH. Lea the fake French PA is bidding, which is so gross, and I am pretty much done with all this tonight. Julia “wins” the package, the poor bastard.
Now they are all dancing, and it is ridiculous. Gilda can’t wait to leave, Angela has NO sense of rhythm, everyone wants to leave, and we are DONE! WOW.
To read more about fur, & find out what we can do to obliterate this disgusting trade please click here- otherwise, I’ll see you (with a Bloody Mary this time, god willing) next week.