The festival of nonsense opens with a wild-eyed Angela and her straight out of drama school faux French PA Lea going house-hunting. I suspected Lea was an actor last week, and now it’s just so obvious that I feel quite ragey that bravo expects us to fall for this shit. I mean, come on. The overly-familiar real estate agent (eg “This is going to tick a few boxes for you, Ang”) is showing them around a house in St Heliers. For those of you unfamiliar with Auckland, St Heliers is a place where old rich people pretend they are living in St Tropez, the prices are jacked up, and it’s really as dull as fucking dishwater, though scenic. They’re banging on about indoor and outdoor flow, and I just want to flow into my glass already. Angela asks Lea, “Do you have this in France?”. No, Angela, they all live like sardines crammed on top of one another in the Eiffel Tower. For fucks sake.
They then get all excited about how the house has a lift, and whatever- Gilda’s house has a lift but you don’t hear her squawking about it. There is a stupid scene where Lea pretends to be stuck in the lift, and it is fake. They are making French people look like idiots, and trying to make us out to be idiots for screening this fuckery. Michelle calls Angela right on cue to “catch up for coffee”, and Lea pulls odd faces, and pretends to send emails.Angela says she is not amped to see Michelle, but she is going because camera time.
Now we’re with Louise, which is a plus, as we didn’t get to see much of her last week (or the week before, even), and she’s invited Julia & Michelle to go to an acting class which makes me snort. Julia has the shits with Louise because, well, I can’t be fucked explaining too much, but it’s to do with the “golddigger” comment. It seems to me that the only woman bringing up the word “golddigger” constantly is Julia herself. Girl has MAD insecurities, and is just a little too precious for my liking.
They all do those mad drama hooting and shouting exercises for a bit, and then they have to do impersonations of each other. Louise does one that is apparently Gilda but it was lost on me. Weakest link, mate. Julia does a blinder of an impersonation of Louise, and really gets into it with the deep growly voice. She lets some steam off by growling, “My name is Louise and I’m a two-faced bitch”. Everyone looks shocked, and the acting coach is wondering why he isn’t getting paid more. Louise and J get into it a bit afterwards, with Julia spitting, “You’re full of SHIT”, but Louise doesn’t give a fuck and neither do I. Julia is ridic.
Okay, so Michelle and mad Angela are meeting up for a coffee at Cibo. In case you were unsure, Cibo is an expensive restaurant in Parnell, where rich people go who want to fuck each other- literally & figuratively. The conversation is boring, so I will skip through it and sum it up by saying that Angela has agreed to try and make a truce with Gilda. Good luck with that, dickhead, I think those bridges are well and truly burned. Oh, and Michelle came across as fairly decent in this scene, I quite like her actually, but I could also be drunk.
Angela and her pretend PA Lea are going to meet Anne. Angela is wearing a stupid hat and Lea is wringing her hands. Anne is such a beautiful little whippet in her Chanel suit, and we learn that she has a house in the south of France, wah wah wah. Angela tells Anne that Lea crashed her work car, and Lea looks like she is going to have a nervous breakdown. They’re rabbiting on in French, and while yeah, Lea does speak French, she is JUST NOT. The things she’s saying, and the way she’s saying them are weird and stupid. I’m over it, and I need more wine.
We’re at Gilda’s house and there is an adorable scene with her and her angel child, and I’d rave about it but I cannot because I said I wouldn’t talk about their kids….but he is DIVINE. Gilda’s private chef is putting together a lunch, and Michelle comes by looking quite minxy, and armed with champagne because if you don’t bring champagne to Gilda’s you are barred from entry.* She’s telling Gilda about the acting class, and then they talk about Julia’s event where she is only inviting married couples. Aka, not Gilda or Angela. Gilda doesn’t give a flying fuck because why would she, but I think that only inviting married couples is stupid and odd. I may also be gross because Gilda always brings good TV, and if she’s not there, it will be dull.
Anyway, Angela calls Gilda at this point (the timing is impeccable on RH), and tells her she wants to catch up & apologise. Gilda is stone-face. Angela says, “I’ll get my PA to talk to your PA”, and I think, “Gilda doesn’t have a PA, she gets shit done herself”...& sure enough, Gilda says drily, “I don’t have a PA. Just email me”, and I am dead.
Oh GOD we are back with Angela and Lea AGAIN, and they are at the panelbeaters to assess the damage that Lea caused. Except she didn’t, because this is nonsense. Angela pretends to cry, and so does Lea, but in the words of my famous TV recapper Ilana Angel, “if there are no tears IT IS NOT REAL CRYING”. It looks like Angela is going to fire Lea now because she is now too scared to drive, but that’s cool, she can go and be faux French with Anne. This episode is shite so far.
It’s time for Julia’s stupid marrieds-only wine tasting party at her vineyard in Matakana, which is north of Auckland and they only let rich people in. Trust. Julia is having a mare about Louise, and appears to be breaking wine glasses with her hands, while her poor bastard of a husband tries to soothe her. She sounds like a child, and he sounds extremely fatherly, and it’s a bit yuk. I can’t believe how completely racked she is with insecurities- this is not the show for her...I’d be very surprised if she returns next season.
Everyone is there except for Louise, and there’s some talk about Anne wearing fur, which I’ll choose to ignore. Julia & Michelle tell Anne about the Louise shite, and it is clear that Anne is on Louise’s side. There is talk of “new money”, which makes me roll my eyes, and golddiggers- that old chestnut. The men stand there looking awkward and bored. Michelle announces to everyone that she married her husband not for his money, but because he has a big dick. TMI for Anne- she is NOT impressed. Anne utters the immortal phrase, “money can buy you lots of things but it can’t buy you class”. Yawn.
Gilda and Angela are having their catch up, and honestly, Gilda looks KILLER in Gucci. Angela has her wild eyes and pageant makeup plastered on, and is simply no match. Angela tells Gilda that she never meant to hurt Gilda, and Gilda is all “what the fuck you didn’t even hurt me you fucking idiot”*. Gilda tells Angela her behaviour is fake, and in her own world. Angela says, “Holy Moses, this is me, I’m not fake, stop being judgemental, I’m not fake, Gilda, this is me”, and Gilda is stone-face. She carries on, “I am not fake, I am writing a book about how to be real, you might learn something”, and Gilda is stone-face. Angela tells us Gilda is jealous of her work, and I snort. Angela is going on and on, and talking about her brand, and Gilda is not only stone-face, but over it. She bounces, and has just slayed it as usual. Amazing.
Thankfully the ladies all go back to their poor husbands, who are still standing around looking bored and awkward. The ladies tell Julia’s husband that they saw his cockring, and he goes so red that it is beyond a joke. He is squeezing her bum and I feel quite ill. I’m ready for this to be over now. Louise tells the girls she’s organised a girls trip to Port Douglas for them- I am like YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHH- because everyone knows that the good shit always happens on the trips away. There will be some fucking great fights, I just know it- I can’t WAIT. But guess what? Julia is pissed off because she feels that Louise stole her moment by making the announcement about the trip. Shut the fuck up, Julia, shut the fuck up!