The first NZ Bachelor
FINALLY. Shortland Street has never lasted so long (sorry to TV3 for the mention of a show on your rival network, but I was hardly going to be watching Campbell Live- was anyone?). I imagine one of the biggest dilemmas in NZ right now is whether to stay in and watch this malarkey unfold, or go out on the raz for St Pats. I'm covering both bases by drinking WHILE I watch the chaos. Because I am a modern WOMAN with CHOICES- just like the women that are going to prance their way across the screen. I can't be bothered doing an intro, because I already did that here, so let's crack on, shall we?
The show kicks off with the obligatory shot of The Bach' (whose name is Arthur) running along a beach. I think it's Piha, could be KareKare, but who cares. He's good looking in that vanilla, generic kind of way- I doubt he has tattoos. We are "treated" to various shirtless shots and I'm not complaining. His brows are killing me, but he has a good bod. As I suspected, he's a health fanatic, and owns his own paleo food business. Sigh. Just as well I didn't enter, he'd hate me on sight. I've counted at least 6 different shots of him looking wistfully into middle distance so far. I think Mike Puru needs to give him a cuddle.
Speaking of Mike, what a smiley little nugget he is. Whoah back on the bronzer, but otherwise, I have no issue. Calling The House a mansion is a bit of a stretch; and there must have been a deal at Spotlight on fairylights because they are bloody everywhere.
We have a montage of some of the girls. Matilda is messing about with flowers and petals and cakes, and seems really sweet. She wants someone funny, but "not outrageously funny". I don't think that's going to be a problem with Arthur. There's a girl called Danielle playing a massive accordion, which I'm assuming is meant to add interest to her clip, except it doesn't. Chrystal from Christchurch is a very pretty in that blonde way, and says that she is "worldly" because she has had "quite a few exotic international boyfriends". Hmmm. Not sure if that makes you worldly, but ok. Rosie seems very intense, and really likes "dangerous" places like Papua New Guinea and the Middle East. She wants to date a sniper, and I doubt Art has ever even held a gun. Kristie is the tomboy one, and looks the least tomboy out of the bunch so far so I am skeptical. Then we see her rugby tackling and I am convinced. Girl is tough.
Speaking of Mike, what a smiley little nugget he is. Whoah back on the bronzer, but otherwise, I have no issue. Calling The House a mansion is a bit of a stretch; and there must have been a deal at Spotlight on fairylights because they are bloody everywhere.
We have a montage of some of the girls. Matilda is messing about with flowers and petals and cakes, and seems really sweet. She wants someone funny, but "not outrageously funny". I don't think that's going to be a problem with Arthur. There's a girl called Danielle playing a massive accordion, which I'm assuming is meant to add interest to her clip, except it doesn't. Chrystal from Christchurch is a very pretty in that blonde way, and says that she is "worldly" because she has had "quite a few exotic international boyfriends". Hmmm. Not sure if that makes you worldly, but ok. Rosie seems very intense, and really likes "dangerous" places like Papua New Guinea and the Middle East. She wants to date a sniper, and I doubt Art has ever even held a gun. Kristie is the tomboy one, and looks the least tomboy out of the bunch so far so I am skeptical. Then we see her rugby tackling and I am convinced. Girl is tough.
One of 678 brooding stares
Back to the house, and for once it's not Seeby's old house, which is refreshing. Mike is talking to Art about the girls arriving, it all sounds so scripted and that's because it is. Anyway, the first car pulls up and I am wondering if there are 21 cars or 3 cars doing laps. Is Suzuki a sponsor? We hear some very Kiwi sounding women gushing about how gorgeous Art is, and I'm imagining what would happen if someone in the car thought he was hideous. Art is hyperventilating and tries to remain calm by thinking about green juice smoothies.
Matilda steps out of the car and she is a babe. Clearly Art thinks so too, and she likes his pocket square which must be a huge relief for everyone concerned. Danielle gets out and we learn she is training for the IronMan comp, Art looks more excited about this than I am. Alysha from Southland has a great accent and is adorable, but that was an incredibly awkward conv'. The accordion player Danielle hops out and they greet each other like cousins, which I sincerely hope they aren't. I'm assuming the stringent vetting process ensured this wouldn't happen though, so we can all breathe a sigh of relief. Art pretends to be excited about her dog wearing a lifejacket.
Chrystal appears and I am getting weird vibes from her. I'm not sure why, but I sense a potential villain. Art gives her some serious glad eye. Michelle is "over" guys with muscles and tattoos, and seems very nice and genuine, but time will tell. Nickie from Southland is wearing an elaborate belt as a dress, and isn't sure what her interests are. What she DOES know is that she likes having fun, and socialising, and her job, so that's a relief.
Shivanni hops out, and has the best hair I've ever seen. and they have a boring conversation about her hair. But she is beautiful and composed, and seems confident. Rosie (sniper one) appears and there's a weird drawn out silence. I'm scared she's going to sing him a song or something awful, but she hands him a flower which is only slightly less awful. He sniffs it politely and then throws it into a bush as she walks off*.
Matilda steps out of the car and she is a babe. Clearly Art thinks so too, and she likes his pocket square which must be a huge relief for everyone concerned. Danielle gets out and we learn she is training for the IronMan comp, Art looks more excited about this than I am. Alysha from Southland has a great accent and is adorable, but that was an incredibly awkward conv'. The accordion player Danielle hops out and they greet each other like cousins, which I sincerely hope they aren't. I'm assuming the stringent vetting process ensured this wouldn't happen though, so we can all breathe a sigh of relief. Art pretends to be excited about her dog wearing a lifejacket.
Chrystal appears and I am getting weird vibes from her. I'm not sure why, but I sense a potential villain. Art gives her some serious glad eye. Michelle is "over" guys with muscles and tattoos, and seems very nice and genuine, but time will tell. Nickie from Southland is wearing an elaborate belt as a dress, and isn't sure what her interests are. What she DOES know is that she likes having fun, and socialising, and her job, so that's a relief.
Shivanni hops out, and has the best hair I've ever seen. and they have a boring conversation about her hair. But she is beautiful and composed, and seems confident. Rosie (sniper one) appears and there's a weird drawn out silence. I'm scared she's going to sing him a song or something awful, but she hands him a flower which is only slightly less awful. He sniffs it politely and then throws it into a bush as she walks off*.
Chrystal is the queen of sideeye
Poppy gets out and tells us Art could potentially be her husband. She teaches him how to do the tree pose, and I am embarrassed. Brigette brings Art a beer which I am impressed with, but is it paleo? Lisa (the MoreFM wildcard winner) is here and she seems cool. She does boxing (not on Art), and I am hoping to see her utilise those skills in The House, maybe on Chrystal. Natalie is tall and gorgeous, and really wants a tall guy. I like her because she seems chilled out, I am getting good vibes.
Kristie (the tomboy) tells us that time stands still for her when she locks eyes with Art. It's not standing still for me, I need an ad break. She seems super reserved, and I get the impression girl is in to win. Art's voice breaks for the millionth time (ARE YOU NERVOUS ART??), and Kristie tells us he could be "the one" which is mental to me but I guess WHEN YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW. The producers must have decided to hurry things along at this stage because 4 more girls come out and it's all so fast that I don't have anything to say about them. Dani has pink hair and I like her. She is concerned that her bubbliness has overwhelmed Art, but don't worry girl, processed food overwhelms Art so I wouldn't be too worried.
The camera cuts to a shot of the girls sitting inside getting on the raz and pretending to like each other. They're trying to figure out each others names and I'm not sure why they're even bothering at this early stage. Amanda steps out of the car wearing a killer dress, and Art gives her some mad lust eye. She tries to do a European kiss, which throws Art because he is a KIWI BLOKE. When she walks off, Art weirdly mutters, "Amanda wore a sparkly dress", which I really hope was for memory purposes. Natasha loves chess and offers to teach Art and he is not down. He then shows her how he can clap with one hand and I am groaning.
We see a shot of Chrystal sitting by herself giving everyone the side eye, I knew I was right about her..or did I just play right into the producers hands?! AGH. Mike Puru enters and says "Good eveeeeeening, laaaaaaaaaaaaadies", just like in the American Bachelor. Oh Mike... you did NOT just use the singular "woman" to say "women". We are on thin ice, Mike. We learn that there are only 17 roses left, and several of the girls throw their drinks back. Mike brings Art in; Art looks terrified and the girls look drunk and horny. They are looking at him like they want to eat him and I suppose they do.
Rose refers to some of the girls in The House as "cougars" (does she know what a cougar is), and Chrystal mocks them for acting like it's a high school sorority. Everyone is fannying about waiting for someone to make the first move on Art. Who will it be?? It's all very tense, as tense as a reality show can be, which isn't very. Chrystal nabs some of Art's martini and sips it like a villain in a Bond movie. Kristie is invited to go down to the lakeside with Art, and all I am thinking is where the hell are they? What lake is this? Luckily I am preoccupied with this because their conv' was nothing to get excited about.
Kristie (the tomboy) tells us that time stands still for her when she locks eyes with Art. It's not standing still for me, I need an ad break. She seems super reserved, and I get the impression girl is in to win. Art's voice breaks for the millionth time (ARE YOU NERVOUS ART??), and Kristie tells us he could be "the one" which is mental to me but I guess WHEN YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW. The producers must have decided to hurry things along at this stage because 4 more girls come out and it's all so fast that I don't have anything to say about them. Dani has pink hair and I like her. She is concerned that her bubbliness has overwhelmed Art, but don't worry girl, processed food overwhelms Art so I wouldn't be too worried.
The camera cuts to a shot of the girls sitting inside getting on the raz and pretending to like each other. They're trying to figure out each others names and I'm not sure why they're even bothering at this early stage. Amanda steps out of the car wearing a killer dress, and Art gives her some mad lust eye. She tries to do a European kiss, which throws Art because he is a KIWI BLOKE. When she walks off, Art weirdly mutters, "Amanda wore a sparkly dress", which I really hope was for memory purposes. Natasha loves chess and offers to teach Art and he is not down. He then shows her how he can clap with one hand and I am groaning.
We see a shot of Chrystal sitting by herself giving everyone the side eye, I knew I was right about her..or did I just play right into the producers hands?! AGH. Mike Puru enters and says "Good eveeeeeening, laaaaaaaaaaaaadies", just like in the American Bachelor. Oh Mike... you did NOT just use the singular "woman" to say "women". We are on thin ice, Mike. We learn that there are only 17 roses left, and several of the girls throw their drinks back. Mike brings Art in; Art looks terrified and the girls look drunk and horny. They are looking at him like they want to eat him and I suppose they do.
Rose refers to some of the girls in The House as "cougars" (does she know what a cougar is), and Chrystal mocks them for acting like it's a high school sorority. Everyone is fannying about waiting for someone to make the first move on Art. Who will it be?? It's all very tense, as tense as a reality show can be, which isn't very. Chrystal nabs some of Art's martini and sips it like a villain in a Bond movie. Kristie is invited to go down to the lakeside with Art, and all I am thinking is where the hell are they? What lake is this? Luckily I am preoccupied with this because their conv' was nothing to get excited about.
Arthur making some "big decisions"
Their date gets interrupted by Matilda and another girl whose name escapes me, and she is DARK that she didn't get a rose and that they were interrupted. She also utters the infamous line that SOMEONE had to say, "I'm not here to make friends", Poppy is hilarious and I am stoked she got some time with Art. Chrystal is pushing the other girls to go and interrupt Art, but stealthily refusing to do it herself, which is not going unnoticed. Jesus, it's a domino effect- girl after girl after girl is going up to Art, no one is messing about. Art "steals" Shivanni away, and she tells him straight away that she doesn't like kissing in public. A televised romance is okay, but no kissing- got it? Fiona attempts to interrupt, and gets shot down. Ouch.
We see a shot of Chrystal sitting by herself at the lakeside (what lake?). Is this for real? Will it make Art approach her? If it does work, I bet the producers made her go and sit there...surely she didn't decide to do that. Art tells us, "Chrystal seems to be a bit...unavailable tonight", which is a very diplomatic way of saying what we are all really thinking.
Matilda seems to be the golden girl in the house, the other girls like her and so do I. Has she won already? Art tells us he is so busy and has no time to meet girls...you must have a wee bit of time mate, this show took weeks to film. He "steals" Matlida away, and she gets the first rose. when they walk back to the house he trips over and falls down a step, and I am dying because this is the best part of the show so far. Some of the girls (Poppy and Kristie) look enraged when they see Matilda's rose, and the drinks are flowing.
Art "steals" Amanda away, and she likes his soft, one handed clapping hands. Amanda thinks she's pretty funny and that's because she is. She tells Art she has twins, and I am in awe at how together she is for a mum of twin toddlers. I don't look like that on a good day and I only have one toddler. Time is running out for girls who haven't managed to get "one on one"time with Art, and they are looking stressed out. I wonder where Mike is and what he's doing. I miss his smiley wee face, and Art's eyebrows are getting on my nerves. Natalie desperately wants to talk to Art but is too scared. Face your fears, sister,
Art "steals" one of the Danielle's away, haha. Stop saying "stealing". Danielle tells him how old she is, because she doesn't want to "omit any details" and I am laughing, but she gets a rose. Snaps for not omitting details, girl. Natalie is still talking about how much she wants to talk to Art and it's getting annoying. Art walks up to a groiup of them and says, "HOI GOIZE"- actually. He "steals" Rosie away, and she is talking about her ex. Chrystal and someone she is forcing to be her friend interrupt, and Rosie is pissed off. She tries to reel him back in, but it fails. Lisa comes up to join them and as soon as she sits down, Art bounces. GAH. Brutal. He briefly talks to a girl before getting bored, and thankfully goes to see Lisa instead.
YAY Mike is back and says "Hellooooo laaaaaaadies" while winking at Art and giving him the glad eye*. Those red champagne glasses are decked out in bling from Spotlight and it's all very hectic. Mike "steals" Art away so he can go and make some "big decisions". Mike, I like you, but you just said "woman" instead of "women" again and you are killing me. You are better than this. Natalie tells us she REALLY wants a rose. Mike helpfully reminds us that there are only 15 roses left, and that 4 girls will be leaving. Chrystal looks confident, no surprises there.
Art is back in less than a minute and I know that even with editing, he wouldn't have taken long. He says it was extremely difficult which is a lie, because it's basically just like IRL Tinder at this point. Swipe left, swipe right. I'm seeing some girls that I'd forgotten were even there.
Carissa gets a rose, and I can't recall much about her or why she got one. Brigette gets a rose, so I'm assuming the beer she brought him was paleo. Lisa gets a rose, and so does Shivani- despite the no-kiss rule. Hayley gets a rose,and so does Danielle and Amanda. Chrystal says she can hear the other girls tapping and vibrating, which is concerning. Rosie very ludly asks if she can interrupt, and it's a bit late to ask if she can interrupt because she just has. She wants a "minute of" Art's time. The other girls look like a big old mixture of rage and shock and nausea and I am feeling all three. Please say no, Art, please say no. He says yes, but only because the producers are making slitting throat motions at him off camera*.
Off they go, and this better be good. She's bowing out, because he's just not dangerous enough for her. Fair play, he really, really isn't dangerous. Mike tells the girls that Rosie has left the show and I am DARING someone to cry. This doesn't happen, however, because we are not American. Alysha is crying and I think she should pull it together because the first episode is no time for tears. Natalie gets a rose, and I'm happy- I hope she gets braver in future ep's. Natasha, Christy and Alysha all get roses, and it's not very exciting. Chrystal gets a rose and it's nice to see tthat all her hard work of sitting by herself giving mad side eye to everyone has paid off. Poppy gets a rose which makes me happy, and the final rose goes to Kristie who says, "FOI-NALLY FOI-NALLY FOI-NALLY".
Mike tells the girls to "take a few moments to say your goodbyes", and they all hug and pretend to cry. The 3 rejected girls leave, Art has suspiciously red eyes, and I assume he's been crying too because it's been so "difficult". Don't worry, pet, Mike will give you a cuddle- and if not, I'm sure one of the final 15 will. Just make sure it's paleo.
*this symbol indicates a figment of my imagination
We see a shot of Chrystal sitting by herself at the lakeside (what lake?). Is this for real? Will it make Art approach her? If it does work, I bet the producers made her go and sit there...surely she didn't decide to do that. Art tells us, "Chrystal seems to be a bit...unavailable tonight", which is a very diplomatic way of saying what we are all really thinking.
Matilda seems to be the golden girl in the house, the other girls like her and so do I. Has she won already? Art tells us he is so busy and has no time to meet girls...you must have a wee bit of time mate, this show took weeks to film. He "steals" Matlida away, and she gets the first rose. when they walk back to the house he trips over and falls down a step, and I am dying because this is the best part of the show so far. Some of the girls (Poppy and Kristie) look enraged when they see Matilda's rose, and the drinks are flowing.
Art "steals" Amanda away, and she likes his soft, one handed clapping hands. Amanda thinks she's pretty funny and that's because she is. She tells Art she has twins, and I am in awe at how together she is for a mum of twin toddlers. I don't look like that on a good day and I only have one toddler. Time is running out for girls who haven't managed to get "one on one"time with Art, and they are looking stressed out. I wonder where Mike is and what he's doing. I miss his smiley wee face, and Art's eyebrows are getting on my nerves. Natalie desperately wants to talk to Art but is too scared. Face your fears, sister,
Art "steals" one of the Danielle's away, haha. Stop saying "stealing". Danielle tells him how old she is, because she doesn't want to "omit any details" and I am laughing, but she gets a rose. Snaps for not omitting details, girl. Natalie is still talking about how much she wants to talk to Art and it's getting annoying. Art walks up to a groiup of them and says, "HOI GOIZE"- actually. He "steals" Rosie away, and she is talking about her ex. Chrystal and someone she is forcing to be her friend interrupt, and Rosie is pissed off. She tries to reel him back in, but it fails. Lisa comes up to join them and as soon as she sits down, Art bounces. GAH. Brutal. He briefly talks to a girl before getting bored, and thankfully goes to see Lisa instead.
YAY Mike is back and says "Hellooooo laaaaaaadies" while winking at Art and giving him the glad eye*. Those red champagne glasses are decked out in bling from Spotlight and it's all very hectic. Mike "steals" Art away so he can go and make some "big decisions". Mike, I like you, but you just said "woman" instead of "women" again and you are killing me. You are better than this. Natalie tells us she REALLY wants a rose. Mike helpfully reminds us that there are only 15 roses left, and that 4 girls will be leaving. Chrystal looks confident, no surprises there.
Art is back in less than a minute and I know that even with editing, he wouldn't have taken long. He says it was extremely difficult which is a lie, because it's basically just like IRL Tinder at this point. Swipe left, swipe right. I'm seeing some girls that I'd forgotten were even there.
Carissa gets a rose, and I can't recall much about her or why she got one. Brigette gets a rose, so I'm assuming the beer she brought him was paleo. Lisa gets a rose, and so does Shivani- despite the no-kiss rule. Hayley gets a rose,and so does Danielle and Amanda. Chrystal says she can hear the other girls tapping and vibrating, which is concerning. Rosie very ludly asks if she can interrupt, and it's a bit late to ask if she can interrupt because she just has. She wants a "minute of" Art's time. The other girls look like a big old mixture of rage and shock and nausea and I am feeling all three. Please say no, Art, please say no. He says yes, but only because the producers are making slitting throat motions at him off camera*.
Off they go, and this better be good. She's bowing out, because he's just not dangerous enough for her. Fair play, he really, really isn't dangerous. Mike tells the girls that Rosie has left the show and I am DARING someone to cry. This doesn't happen, however, because we are not American. Alysha is crying and I think she should pull it together because the first episode is no time for tears. Natalie gets a rose, and I'm happy- I hope she gets braver in future ep's. Natasha, Christy and Alysha all get roses, and it's not very exciting. Chrystal gets a rose and it's nice to see tthat all her hard work of sitting by herself giving mad side eye to everyone has paid off. Poppy gets a rose which makes me happy, and the final rose goes to Kristie who says, "FOI-NALLY FOI-NALLY FOI-NALLY".
Mike tells the girls to "take a few moments to say your goodbyes", and they all hug and pretend to cry. The 3 rejected girls leave, Art has suspiciously red eyes, and I assume he's been crying too because it's been so "difficult". Don't worry, pet, Mike will give you a cuddle- and if not, I'm sure one of the final 15 will. Just make sure it's paleo.
*this symbol indicates a figment of my imagination
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