It opens with the infamous shot of The Bach' wandering about on the balcony of his rented Viaduct apartment. I'm not made of stone, he does have a nice back, I'm just over this particular shot. I bet we'll see him looking broodingly out over the harbour next.SHE SHOOTS. SHE SCORES- but like that was a brain buster. He's mumbling about something, but I am laughing at his face so I don't know what he's saying- I'm sure it's something profound.
To the house and Mike is here, Mike is here! He looks adorable in his wee shirt, and I am so stoked he is getting some camera time. "GOOOOOOD MORNING LAAAAAAYDEEEEZ' he bellows, and the girls straighten themselves up, adjust their bra straps, whack on their fake smiles, and try to look like they have a pulse. Mike finds it apt to remind them why they are here, and thank god he does because they really do need prompting. Oh- in case you wondered, the reason why they're there is to spend time with Art...and NOT because day drinking, tear. Mike waggles the date card around in front of their hungry wolf eeyes and Kristie is gnashing her teeth and moves to tackle him.* Dani hopes it's her, but it won't be. Hayley who we never see hopes it's her, and it definitely won't be. Danielle steals (HAHA) the card from Mike and he storms off in a huff about his short screen time and I cry with him.* Danielle says that's she's really busy IRL. Yes, by the sounds of it you are.
The card says, "The higher you go, the bigger you fall", and I'm shocked that no one makes timid, idiot suggestions about what the date could be like they usually do. Matilda gets the date, & I spoke too soon about the idiot comments, because when they ask her what she thinks it could be she says, "I feel like it's something high".
Camera pans to Matilda driving herself to the date, which is unheard of in The Bachelor- where are the chauffeur driven limos? They are not here, because this is not America and this is TV3, got it? She's driving alongside the harbour and gushing, "Oh my gawwwd, where ARE we?" and I am taking deep breaths. She sees Art and waves to him like a mum picking up her child from kindy, and he gurgles back at her. He tells her they're going to be climbing the Harbour Bridge, and she says "yay I'm really excited" in the fakest tone imaginable- which I give her credit for because I wouldn't be able to fake that shit. I'd be back in that car hiding in the back seat crying.
We see them on the stupid bridge in those stupid jumpsuits talking about stupid things, like how Auckland wouldn't look "as cool without the Sky Tower". I've no idea what that's a nod to, and it's probably nothing, as per. Matilda thinks that Art may be finding her a little goofy, and I want to tell her not to worry about it because nobody on the planet Earth could be as goofy as Art is. They're a good match, and I think she might win. She says that they're getting on well, and that "it feels like we've known each other...for while". A million points to her for not stretching the truth on that one. As Art tells her they're going bungy jumping, she looks how I feel- nauseous. Poor bitch.
Back to the house, where the girls have been resuscitated and are sunbathing in no sun. Gratuitous bikini shot. They're talking about (what else) Matilda and Art's date.Clarissa/Carissa tells the girls about a date she once went on where the guy had just been pig hunting and had a dead pig in the back of the car and I am cry-laughing because we are DEFINITELY in NZ right now.
Back to the stupid bungy jump. Matilda is scared, and rightly so. I spit like an alpaca at Art when he condescendingly says to the camera, "She hasn't done a bungy jump before, so...I don't know if she'll jump actually". PISS OFF ART, who even bungy jumps on the reg'? And, who else thinks that when Matilda filled out her application form, she stated "bungy jumping" under "What would you NOT want to do on a date"? Anyway, she jumps, and does well- I feel amped for her. Art's turn, and he looks like he needs to vom. He jumps and I am bored, so I am going to go and top up my drink because I know I won't miss too much.
Oh yep, the producers have set up a picnic with one croissant, 5 grapes, 2 tomatoes and a tartan flask of instant coffee. GOOD TIMES, TV3, you stingy bastards. They talk about marriage and babies, which is definitely normal first date talk (what?), and pretend to enjoy their Greggs. Matilda gets rose, and god knows she deserves it after this shambles of a date.
Back to the house where they are still lying around in the sun getting pissed*. Matilda enters, and the girls look at her with a combination of dagger eyes, boredom, and bleary drunken confusion. Kristie is a nutcase, and Natalie gets a $50 voucher for dinner at Sky City Fortuna Buffet Restaurant for asking the, "sahhh...dud you goize kuss?" question.* Matilda tells them they didn't kiss, so they retract their claws and go back to their booze.
Finally Mike is back and they are somewhere in the country,I can't be bothered trying to figure out where because we don't care. Oh god they're going rally driving. Are these all dates things that Art has on his bucket list And why do they all involve wearing vile jumpsuits? A car hoons up and "oh my gawwwd it's ARTHUR of all people"- a direct quote. Some girls don't know how to drive a manual, but I'm not judging because I don't even have a license- a fact that I'm proud of because it'd get me out of shitty dates like this one. Amanda goes first, and does better than I could do in a million years. Scary Kristie goes next and they are all terrified, some of them even genuinely. She is gunning for it, and girl is hungry for that alone time with Art. Alysha is next and looks nervous. I know nothing about driving so I don't know if she's doing well, but gauging from the ominous music and the instructor shouting I don't think she is.Oh, okay, she's rubbish at it bless her, but I heart her. Carissa drives like someone who can't drive a manual, and I feel completely unqualified to talk about all of this. Danielle can't drive a manual either, and stalls and stalls and stalls. Mike is losing his shit, and I think this is what TV3 passes for comedy. The winner of the "challenge" is.....of course Kristie, and everyone groans in disappointment including me. kristie tells him the reason why she acts like a bitch all the time is because she actually is one, but will calm down as she wins The Bachelor.* Fair play for honesty. She gets a rose, obvi'.
Back to the house for the cocktail party. I need confirmation on whether or not Chrystal is smoking in this scene, because that's the sort of thing I spot and am interested in. Chrystal, if you're reading this, can you let me know please so I can sleep at night? Art walks in and they all nudge each other, hitch up their skirts and adjust their cleavage. WHATEVER IT TAKES. Chrystal tells us that she's "finding the cocktail parties a little boring", and for the first time since seeing her onscreen EVER I raise my glass to her and scream "MAZEL TOV, SISTAH". She interrupts the boring as shit conversation about driving and asks Art if she can steal him away. As they walk off we hear her saying, "I was about to kill myself listening to this", and I am laughing and kind of shocked/rapt that TV3 let that sneak in there. They sit down, and she marks him with her red lipstick like when a cat marks its territory by pointing its bum and pissing. Just like that.
They've (seemingly) been talking for ages, and Chrystal gives Amanda a chinese burn* until she goes and interrupts them. Amanda looks bangin and I love her dress and makeup. But whoah whoah whoah, the camera pans back to Art and Danni, and he says that his couple of seconds are up and that he should get back to Chrystal- JUST like the producers told him to. He tells Amanda that he was "supposed" to go back to Chrystal and it is awful. Danni tells the other girls about how much of a bitch Chrystal was to her, and they feign surprise, like, "oh my gawwwd she has a bitchy side?!". So Art shuffles back over to C (sick of typing her name) who tells Kristie to fuck off* and even though Kristie could TOTALLY take her, she leaves because otherwise the producers will cut her day drink allowance*.
The girls are squabbling over who the hell should interrupt Art and C this time, and the Fortuna vouchers have clearly run out because no one is keen. Shivanni steps up to the plate, but luckily for her the producers have FINALLY pulled the plug on Art and C's alone time. Christ Shivanni has great hair. There's a bit of side eye and sly digs between C and the other girls when she returns, and like a boss she deflects all of it. They still hate her though. Thank god Amanda has some alone time, which is interrupted far too quickly by Carissa who is OVER pig hunters and just wants a nice bloke like Art. They talk about chatting- seriously, and say the word chat about 16 times. Then they talk about driving and it is mind-numbing, but what the hell, she gets a rose, so I'm confused.
Danielle L gets a rose, and I'm guessing something nuts is going to happen because of TV3's choice of "ominous" music- lots of tapping on cymbals, and synthesizers I think, but I digress. Where was I? Oh yes, the rose ceremony. WHAAAAAAAAT this is great, she is telling him she thinks he's a cock and that she doesn't want his damn rose*. He asks if she wants to talk, and she's kind of like, "Mehhhh", but off they go. Oh these crazy rose ceremonies! Props to Danielle for using the word "disingenuous" correctly in a sentence. She says she doesn't feel comfortable with the age difference, but I think Art is just too lame for her. She wants a Clyde for her Bonnie. Anyway, she says, "Later dickhead"*, and we are back inside.
Mike tells the laydeez that everyone left is safe, and that no one else is going home- to their VERY obvious relief. Natalie even fist pumps. Boring. I wish someone else had gone so we could hurry things along a little. I did laugh at Danni's super obvious pissed off face about her rose being handed out to her "like a frickin lolly scramble"- and she's so right. I would rather have not gotten one, seriously. Next time, it looks like the producers have gone all out for Art's date with Amanda, and Mike's voice over says Art will set "Amanda's heart strings on fire"- what the HELL does that mean?? Anyone? It sounds painful and awful- JUST LIKE THIS SHOW.