Episode FOUR, and the biggest thing on my moind is how many episodes there are in total. However as soon as I typed that, I misspelt "mind" with "moind", so now I am just freaking the hell out that I have watched 4 episodes too many because I am now starting to talk loike the contestants. SAVE MOIII. Let's get on with it before I have a panic attack.
I'm waiting for Art's obligatory brooding shot, and for once the show doesn't disappoint, because there he is looking vaguely constipated as he sits on the beach (Sentinel Bay? What the hell ever). I've decided that I should try to listen to the words that are mumbled out of Art's mouth more in order to bring you the best recap possible, so this is me making an effort. He says he's "made some great connections but that it's really tough dating more than one girl". There you go- and you're welcome.
Back to the house to keep the show G rated, we see camera faves Dani, Chrystal and sitting on the couch together like they like each other. and they're saying nice things about Amanda like they mean it. Then we see the "others" sitting on another couch talking about how Amanda "has been banging on about pashing him" which makes me do a half smirk, and they all think she'd do it if she had the chance. Like any of them wouldn't. Back to Dani etc, talking about the same thing (couldn't they all have been filmed together talking about this crap?), and there's Chrystal telling the camera something or other while wearing the most insane blue eye liner I've ever seen. It looked like she was a reject from Cirque de Soleil auditions.
Back to the date, where they are still golfing, so I go and read about Libya to try and regain focus. Art drives her off to the sand dunes where the producers have set up a bloody tent and people playing violins and shit. Boyfriend, if you are reading this, please don't ever set up a date for me with violinists because I will vomit everywhere. Amanda seems stoked though, and like the good girl she is chooses beer over wine. MAZEL. Art starts interrogating Amanda on her relationship history, because who DOESN'T want to talk about that on a first date. She's really composed though, and gauging from how quickly it got dark, honed her lines by having 367 takes. Art runs like a girl down the beach to retrieve a rose hidden behind a dirty old bit of driftwood, and I am assuming that if she messed up it would have just been left there forever. Or recycled for the next girl, because, you know, TV3.
At the house, the girls are sitting around wearing pretty vile robes, and looking irritated that Amanda isn't back from her date. Poppy looks PISSED. and Dani thinks that Amanda has no chance with Art because she hates her*. Amanda walks back in and is beaming from ear to ear, but when isn't she? Girl probably smiles in her sleep, which sounds cute in theory but would actually be quite terrifying IRL.They ask if she kissed him, and she pauses...pauses...pauses....and says, "Noooooooo", still beaming. The other girls are convinced she is lying, and Lisa says it's a dead giveaway because of how she looked to the left. Oh come on, Lisa, leave the detective work to the professionals, like the viewers at home. Matilda is worried that Amanda's date was better than hers, but that wouldn't be hard when we remember the piss poor excuse for a "picnic".
We are at Auckland Zoo, surprise surprise, and Mike leads them along like the helpful nuggety tour guide he is. I hope that we get to see some hilarious footage of monkeys playing with themselves and throwing faeces, but I doubt it. HAHAHAHA their date is cleaning up alligator shit- and of course, they're wearing jumpsuits. I'm beginning to think that Art has a jumpsuit fetish. He's not even wearing one! He's wearing exclusively Hallensteins shorts and singlet, 2 for $25 in the summer sale*. Anyway, some of the girls (Poppy and Hayley) are doing a decent job of cleaning up, but most of the others look like they've never held a broom before. No judgement from me, I wouldn't be keen either. Did the producers get dolla dolla bills for supplying the zoo with shit shovellers? We have a "tense and dangerous" moment when an alligator (who is behind bars in a fucking cage) moves around- they must have feared for their lives. But at least Art gets to be patronising, and says, "I think she got a bit of a fright". Shut up, Art, just shut up.
Back to the house. Dani, Carissa and Matilda are bitching about Chrsytal, and how she'll be happy that the 3 major threats (them) aren't on the date. I agree with Dani and Matilda, but since when was Carissa considered to be a threat? Did I miss something? She's beautiful but we never see her, and all I can remember is dead pig. Dani tells us that Chrystal has two different sides and gurrrl you are preaching to the damn choir. We know this.
Back to the pit of shit. Chyrstal is pretending to clean things but is fooling no one. Poppy is doing a great job as always because she's a good girl, and Art salivates "you girls look quite cute in your overalls" and I imagine he has a semi about it. Look, I didn't want to write that, let alone think it, but let's be real here. Guy has a "thing" for those jumpsuits. Let's move on from this topic quickly, quickly. Poppy gets the alone time with Art, and they are hand feeding lemurs which I would actually love to do. They are naming the lemurs after girls in the house, and Poppy says the bitch scratching lemur is Chrsytal. Then she says the happiest one is Hayley. Art says, "Which one is Hayley?" and I laugh out loud for the first time tonight.
Something dramatic is going to happen and Poppy better not leave. She seriously better not leave because this show is in dire need of her- she's a breath of (mostly) fresh air. GAH she wants to leave because she's finding it too hard seeing Art going on dates with other girls. I get it...but surely you knew this was going to happen? Is this...a staged moment? GASP. After a long, long, LONG drawn out conversation where Art is seriously trying to shove the rose down Poppy's throat*, she tells him she's going to sleep on it. Hopefully not the actual rose, but whatever. Art looks like he's crying again, and says, "I quoite loike you", which is high praise indeed. I can't deal with guys that are this emotional, I really can't.
Thank god it's time for the cocktail party, because that's where shit goes down. We see they're all drinking out of the Spotlight bedazzled red champagne glasses again, and they are revolting- the glasses, not the girls..well...yeah.Art comes out wearing grandad shoes (what?) and is talking to Hayley looking bored, and Chrystal barges on in being the interrupting pain in the arse that she is. This sends most of the girls into a rage because omg Chrystal is SUCH a BUTCH and how dare she. Art still has a semi from earlier about the overalls, and it's getting weird. Danielle steals Art from C and I am stoked because I need to see more new faces, even though she isn't new in the slightest. Danielle seems nice- too nice for this show.
Chrystal asks the other girls who they think is going home tonight. Matilda flips her hair and feigns ignorance, or is it feigning? Lisa thinks she could be "in the firing line", the other girls pretend that they think she's wrong, and C tells Lisa the only reason she's still there is because she's the MoreFM wildcard winner. OH SICK BURN. Everyone does gasping sounds and pulls excellent shocked faces and I am loving it, of course. Lisa does a very Real Housewives of Atlanta head wiggle and says, "Well, you WOULD say that, wouldn't you?". C reckons she's just saying what everyone is thinking, and while this is probably a valid point, she looks like a complete sociopath. Lisa accuses her of playing up the bitch card, another valid point. I know nothing about what the WildCard thing involves, and I can't be bothered finding out.
Sadly the camera moves back to Art and Danielle, and it is a bit dull, surprise surprise. He is shocked (but not really) that she is 35- she looks AWESOME for 35. She looks younger, but her personality is definitely 35 years old. Art is 26, and she is officially a coug'. I love her. It's still boring though, so back to the bitches.
Someone (Matilda, prob') says that Chrystal just hit Lisa with a bus, and I assume she meant to say, "threw Lisa under the bus". I admit that imagining Chrystal as a bus driver is brilliant, though. OOps, sorry Matilda, it was Natalie that said it. C is sticking to her guns saying that everyone was thinking it, but obvi' no one else is admitting it. Someone asks C what the reason is that she's still there, and she says she's "just working her way down the food chain". Which someone else takes to mean she thinks she's at the top of the food chain. It's a huge cluster fuck of girls trying to be bitchy for screen time and I'm losing interest.
Art and Danielle are STILL talking and it's boring until she says that she usually dates guys that are 10-14 (her actual words) older. She dates guys that are 45 to 50. GURRRL! Is she a cougar or a, uhh..not a cougar? Art looks appropriately flabbergasted, which isn't hard for a lame-o like him. The producers tell him to say that her ex's would be old enough to be his dad, and it's unnecessary and stupid. Or, just basic maths.
Lisa decides to go and interrupt, and C tells her she needs all the help she can get. I chortle, because even though this is obviously staged, it's better than the things they come up with on their own. Lisa sits down, and Danielle is gracious like you'd expect. Art gets stuck in straight away asking Lisa why she doesn't have a boyfriend. God. She says she gets friendzoned all the time, and he says, "Ahhhh...friend zone" ruefully. He has SO been there. Dani interrupts because she just can't handle it anymore, and tells Art what a complete and utter slore Chrystal is*. Art can't bear it, so he bounces.
She tells the other girls that she needed to sleep on the rose offer, and they look at her like she's mental. Chrystal thinks she staged the whole thing- but hey Chrystal, newsflash. Just because you're a shady bitch doesn't mean everyone else is.
Hayley gets her time with Art and does a rap for him. I hate all of it more than words can explain, so I'm refusing to talk about it other than I am crying with rage that I am spending my time watching this.
Lisa is interrogating C and wanting to know who else reckons she's only there because of being the wild card. C isn't naming names, and just says she's stating the obvious. Yawnnnn. Lisa says, "So you don't like having me around?", and C tells her that she did like her scones the other day, which made me guffaw because she is truly awful. Mike nuggets his way into the fracas, "LAYDEEEEZ GOOD EVENINGGG" .YAY it's time for him to "steal" Art away so he can go and make his "big decisions" aka play Xbox with Mike and smoke a bowl*. Because it's paleo, okay?
So, who has roses again? Amanda (smiley), Poppy (well played) and Hayley (grrrrr, the rapper). Ten roses are being given out and one girl is going home. I'm hoping it'll be one of the girls we've hardly seen, but like that'll happen. Danielle (coug') gets a rose, and so does Bridgette (who we have barely seen in the last 2 eps). Dani gets a rose, as does the non-kisser Shivani. Matilda gets a rose to apologise for the "picnic", and of course Chyrstal does because imagine if she didn't. Imagine if I'll ever spell her name right. WAIT- what was that beep? Did someone call Chrstal something not able to be televised at 8.25pm? C word? W word? You tell me. Alysha and someone else get a rose, and so does Carissa- can you tell I'm losing interest? It's between tall Natalie and wildcard Lisa, and as much as I like Lisa, I like Nat more, so I'm happy when she gets it. Everyone is crying, or pretending to cry, and Chrystal looks SO happy with herself- she's getting drunk tonight. In case you're wondering what Art is doing while all this is going on, he is standing there biting his lip and looking like a knob. There you go.
Next week- Art and Dani go ziplining which is something I would actually LOVE (seriously), and "the panic button is pushed at the mansion". HAHAHA stop calling the bedazzled Lockwood home* a mansion. SERIOUSLY.
*= yet another figment of my imagination