Back to the house of ridiculousness. I love how they squish them all in together for their group shots, and I have great fun trying to figure out who hates who. I am assuming that when asked in interviews, these Kiwi girls will say that they all got along "rooly gud" and that they were like "susters", which is so boring that I can't even be bothered finishi
Mike bellows his usual greeting, and my heart soars at the sight of his nugget body. My boyfriend remarks on my happy face but I shush him because Mike. Chrystal kicks Mike in the balls and grabs the date card*, and I like her outfit. I'll give her that. The other girls desperately strain their necks to see what is on the card, and imagine if Laurina from the Bachelor Australia was here- she'd be calling them all utter despo's and personally, I would be loving it. BRING IN LAURINA. Brigette hopes it will be her name on the card, and let's face it- it won't be. It never is. Hayley wants it to be her, but after her fucking ridiculous attempt at a "rap" last week, she's dreaming. The card reads, "Love's an adventure, Love an adventure" and my first thought is how shocked i am that the producers put the apostrophe in the correct place. It's a single date, and Chrystal tries to punk the girls by saying it is her. Everyone looks appropriately nauseous, and it's only when Alysha starts sobbing* that she caves and admits Dani has the date. Now Alysha just looks filled with rage and holy shit girl will nothing please you?!
It's another date where the girl has to drive herself to, and I get that it's a nod to the sponsor, but surely they could have corralled a few unlucky humans to be "drivers"? I knooooow we're in NZ, and no one has drivers (thank god) but it just looks shit and makes me cringe. They're going on a helicopter which is cool I guess, as long as Art isn't the pilot- I wouldn't want a paleo pilot. Don't question me, it's just a preference. I'm assuming they're going to Waiheke, because where the hell else would they go? They're saving Waiwera, Rotorua and Queenstown for later ep's.
They're up in the air, and Art exclaims, "OH MY GOD It is SUCH a beautiful day" and Dani agrees. She points out a beach and says, "It's a little bay, cute eh", and he says, "Wow cool." Are you with me, reader? You might need to go and make yourself a black coffee, or give yourself a couple of slaps to wake yourself up. I think it was around this point I started thinking about Last Card. Oh and they're holding hands, if that gets you excited but I doubt it. Art finds it "amazing" that Dani, an Aucklander, has never been to Waiheke. I want to tell him to shut the fuck up, because I lived in Auckland for 15 years and only went to Waiheke once- it's nice, but hardly a must-do. Patronising dick.
So they're going ziplining, which as I've mentioned before I would do, because who doesn't love a flying fox. Dani says "I'm so excited" in the most unexcited voice ever, but I think that's just the Kiwi girl accent making everything sound monotonous- no judging, we're all guilty of it. Art tells her that she "makes that harness look good" and I pull a crab face, because all I can assume is that it's giving her maj' camel toe, and if he's commenting on that, then vom'. They jump on those things, and Art tells Dani he is going to "smoke" her. Is Dani paleo---but more importantly, is smoking paleo? Side-note- I recently found out that none of the contestants are smokers. Do you think that this was a deal breaker for Art? Typical, if so. Anyway, they zip down, they scream (especially Art), and Art looks like a toddler. Actually.
They are now standing on logs playing some stupid game where they have to push each other off the logs, and I am yawning and topping up my drink, which is pretty hard to do at the same time.
They're back on the zipline, and it's still boring, but Dani thinks they're having good banter. On Geordie Shore they'd say it was good craic, except they wouldn't- because this is NOT good craic. Not even a little bit. I'm tempted to fast forward. I think Dani wants to fast forward too, because Art is trying to talk to her about trees and she is not feeling it. He points at one and she says, "Oh that is so cute" unenthusiastically. "WHO CARES ABOUT TREES?", I scream at the TV, but sadly they can't hear me. Thankfully, we're going to see what devilry is happening back at the "mansion"...huhuhuhu.
Oh, it's another nod to sponsor, Revlon this time. Natalie, Hayley and Carrisa are poking makeup brushes with no product on them at their already fully made up faces. They are talking about absolutely nothing of interest, surprise, surprise. Natalie is jealous of the bond that's being made between Dani and Art, and something about a gap. I actually want to go back to the date, which is unheard of. I'm frowning so much that I pause the ep' and go and make an appointment for some more Botox- this is no joke, note the absence of an asterisk. I'll be sending TV3 my bill.
BACK TO THE DATE. UH OH- the producers have set up another picnic...alarm bells. Please don't be a shitty picnic like Matilda got. Art tells us that his attraction to Dani is growing by the minute, and I hope he doesn't mean his erection because yuk. They have the standard first date talk about having kids, and I am imagining what would have happened if I'd talked about having kids on my previous first dates. Most of my first dates were in the South Island, and if I'd brought THAT topic up, I daresay they would have yelled, "BYE PSYCHO" and skate boarded off. And fair enough too. Art tells Dani a sense of humour is "so important" to him which is weird because he doesn't have one- at all. He is poking her on her leg- with his finger, you sickos. He condescendingly tells Dani that he is "pleasantly surprised" by her because for a "blonde bombshell" she has "a lot going on". Cue to spit at him like an alpaca. What a douchelord. She gets a rose for having a "lot going on", and he ASKS if he can kiss her. She thinks it's cute he asked, but I think it is naff- I don't want to ask to be kissed, just...KISS ME, ok? I bet he is the type of guy who says, "Are you okay?" a million times during sex- bleeuurgghh. Ball gags are made for a reason, just saying. But I digress, they pash, and it's a pash.
Back at the house, the girls are talking about what they always talk about when someone's on a date- whether or not there'll be a pash involved. "Suh goize, wot do youse* fink Dani uz doin on her first doite?", says Natalie. She sounds so scripted that it sounds like she's talking to a bunch of kindergarteners. Dani walks up and tries to trick the girls by telling them the date didn't go that well, and even though in my opinion it didn't- she still got a rose and a pash, so...yeah. She pulls the rose out of her bum crack * and the girls look dark. She prattles on about what they did, and the girls are pretending to listen, but all they want to know is whether or not there was a pash. Chrystal is a nightmare human but christ she has great skin- it actually glows. It's either all the cigs, or she's made a deal with the devil, or both*. They quiz her about if she got "the kiss", and she tells them yes. Then they all get pissed off (esp. Matilda and Poppy) that she told them because it was "braggy". But, but, they ASKED her. I start to take umbrage, and then I check myself and remember not to give a shit.
Carissa comes out holding the date card, and it may as well have been folded into a paper airplane and biffed at the girls, because I still have no clue who she is. I'm beginning to realise why the same girls are getting air time. The others just don't have "a lot going on", as idiot Arthur would say. It's a group date, and everyone is going except for Dani, Chrystal (AHAHA) and Alysha. Alysha pretends she's not bovved, but hurtles inside to cry and vomit and call her mum*.
Christ, they're back at Waiheke AGAIN. The locals must have been so pissed off about the influx of jerks being on their turf so much, and I'm shocked we didn't hear about some kind of protest. That's what people from Waiheke do, right? Hate people from "The Mainland" and protest their existence? Whatever. Nugget face is back in the same shirt he was wearing the day earlier, so he clearly had a sleepover with Art*, and even he is starting to look disheartened. I want to give him a cuddle. They are clay pigeon shooting, and while this also looks like a good time, I am questioning if it's a good idea for some of these girls to be around guns. Especially Krystie, who looks like a fucking lunatic. Thank god they're only laser guns, but you just KNOW what Kyrstie is thinking. The "prize" is a one on one archery lesson with Art. YAWN. He's a archer, now? Really? Last Card time.
As expected, Krystie has been clay pigeon shooting before, and is rad at it. I have yet to warm to this girl and I don't think I ever will- this is a big thing because I get along with 99% of people, except for Thorn and my ex. Hayley tells us that she wore the right contacts, but as far as I'm concerned she can wear whatever the hell she likes as long as she doesn't try to do a rap again. Art ambles over to Danielle B and she almost has an orgasm* that he talked to her and thinks it was really endearing. That he talked to her. Really. They start shooting, Hayley takes the lead and Krystie looks murderous. Brigette is having a mare, forgets to reload, and is wearing a real clay pigeon shooting appropriate outfit of white pants and a top that barely contains her boobs. They're nice boobs though, so snaps. BUT- she scores (points, that is), so what the fuck do I know.
The second group has their go, and Amanda scores points, then weirdly shoots the machine. I don't know if she is doing this for attention by her own choice, or if she was told to, but it makes her look thick. Maybe a gift basket of Revlon products was involved- we'll never know (unless Nic asks her). Art tells us he is surprised by Carissa getting so many points because she "looked so incredibly awkward holding the gun". For gods sake, does this dickhead EVER give ANY compliments that aren't patronising? Anyway, Carissa doesn't manage to beat Hayley, so Hayley gets to go and NOT rap with Art, while shooting bows and arrows, the poor wench. This "date" flies by so quickly, and seriously, more attention is given to the fact that the desp's are actually spying on them the whole time. I have no idea if they're good at archery or not, and I don't care. Hayley does NOT get a rose. Hmm.
Chrystal tells the girls she's going to be nice now, but I sincerely hope she's lying. Hate her or hate her, we need her to be awful because without her snide asides, it'd be a bigger bunch of bullshit than it already is. Admit it. Art walks in and is dressed like he's just been to a funeral. The funeral of my SOUL. The girls flitter and witter and twitter about and all the rest of it, and he tells Poppy he likes her hairstyle but he is lying and she knows it. Chrystal hollers, "MAYBE YOU SHOULD TAKE ME FOR A WALK ARTHUR" and because he is a pussy, he does. The other girls have some excellent rage faces and point out that it's the second time Chrystal has chinese burned* her way into alone time with Art. Shape up or ship the hell out, girls.
Art points out the same thing when he's alone with C Monster, except he says she "snaggled" him and what the fuck. Does he mean "snagged"? I am revolted by this man and he is just ridiculous. C Monster is like, "Um no, Arrrrthurrrrr, I wouldn't call it "snaggled"", and neither would I. The girls are now arguing over who the hell should dare to interrupt C Monster and that they're "scared" of her. Honestly, she's a nightmare, but just DO it. Art & C are talking past relationships, he implies that she has been with heaps of dudes, which she confirms by saying, "The past is the past"- keep telling yourself that, sister. She says she wants kids, and my heart cries for her future children. She also says she wants to go to India to "get amongst the culture and lend a hand". With what, exactly, Chrystal? You can't say things like that and not be specific. Your friend does "orphanage work"- this is hazy and non-specific at best, and you are not fooling me, dickhead.
6 hours later, the girls are horny, hungry, drunk*, and still trying to decide who should interrupt C Monster. Matilda decides to, thank god, because I just want shit to hurry up and get to the rose ceremony. She strides over, and asks if she can interrupt, which I personally think is stupid. They need to stop asking and just start doing. For a minute it looks like C is going to be a bitch, but she is only a partial bitch, and gives in- apparently this is her being "nice". HAHA. She then gets completely shamed out by saying that she might stay aka join them on their date, but Art and Matilda give her the fingers and walk off*. C Monster downs her Lindauer Special Reserve Brut and burps loudly when she thinks the cameras are off her.* She tells us that the cocktail parties are as boring as ever (correct) and that she wants to scratch her eyes out (do it). The girls are LOL-ing at Chrystal being a "Nigel No-Mates", and that's the best thing Danielle B has said in 5 ep's, and it wasn't even that great...but still, snaps. C Monster stalks over to some of the girls for a much-needed top up, and they ask her what they talked about. She pulls faces and mutters, & Natalie says she is like a chandelier because there are so many crystals/chrystals whatever. She wishes she was a naffing chandelier. More like a desk lamp from Briscoes. Alysha is confused (standard), and has the BEST Invercargill accent I have ever heard- ever. Those rolling 'rrrrr's are nothing short of spectacular.
Back to Matilda and Art, where they are talking about clothes and it is boring, so I focus on my Last Card game and I WIN. I apologise for missing that bit to recap for you guys, but I can virtually guarantee you that we missed nothing earth shattering. If I am wrong, and something amazing happened, please let me know in the comments. Regardless, she comes back to the girls and she doesn't have a rose, so perhaps I was right. Art shuffles over and "snags" (not "snaggles") Alysha, who reveals to him her game plan is/will always be to sit back and wait for him to approach her, because she ain't no desp' coug'. Fair play- risky move, but it's clearly worked on Art because he looks like he is gobsmacked by this revelation...almost like he always has girls throwing themselves at him & therefore it has never OCCURRED to him he may have to make the first move. This guy's face. Why does it always look like he's saying, "You're welcome"- without even opening his gob? I need another drink. Digressing again, Alysha gets her rose.
Now Art wants to talk to Natalie, and I am wondering why this ep' seems extra long tonight. At least she is funny to watch, and I'd be friends with her IRL. Guys, I know you like it when I take the piss, but I've got to be honest- I have nothing to pick at this girl about. She's a total goofball, but that's endearing- everything she says seems 100% genuine, and she appears to have a great sense of self. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. If it's any comfort, Art is still as stupid as ever and if he doesn't give her a rose for some of the realest talk we've heard all season, I am quitting. Watching and recapping, I mean. Okay, I guess I'm sticking around, and I have mixed feelings about this.
ROSE CEREMONY! Nuggety Mike is back looking tired...why you tired, lil nug'? He's either tired or just over it already, and who could blame him? This is no Morning Madhouse. Everyone is tense and sweaty as usual, and I am so excited because it's nearly bed time. Art swaggers in and him and Mike have back slapping bro-down while the girls look on, anxiously. Who will get the first rose? MATILDA, of course. Everyone loves her, apart from C Monster, obvi'. Danielle B gets a rose for her "Nigel No Mates" call, Poppy gets one in spite of the braid, and C Monster gets one because the show would be nada without this bitch. Amanda gets one for never not smiling, Shivani gets one for having good hair, and thank god Krystie gets one or she may have shot them all*. Brigette gets a rose and I've no idea why, I'm not even being mean- I just really don't know. Carissa gets the final rose- again, no idea why, and this means Hayley the rapper- (wait, is she Eminem's daughter?!) is out. Hayley hugs everyone except C Monster*, and says to Art, "Oi buhloive everyfung huppuns for a raisin", which is baffling. Then she crip walks the hell out of there.
THE END- until ep 6.