Before I do, though, let's discuss the odd Twitter exchange between Art & I yesterday. Dani is hilarious too chat to on the Twit', and her & I have had several cute exchanges. I like her. Yesterday I told her that I didn't like the way Art spoke to her (always condescending) and that he needed a stern word. at this point, she tagged Art in, and told me to go for it- so of course I did. I asked him why he is so patronising all the time. No reply. I laughed to Dani that he was ignoring me because I am too old for him (fact). He then replied telling me that he didn't know how to "work Twitter yet" and to stop "blowing up" his phone.
1. Two Twitter mentions does not equate to "blowing up" someone's phone. If he wants me to blow up his phone with tweets, ohhh, I will. With pleasure.
2. If your phone notifications are aggravating you, you should figure out how to "work" your phone settings, & turn them off.
3. I know not everyone likes Twitter or "gets" Twitter. But surely a successful paleo food business would benefit from the great marketing Twitter has to offer.
4. Like he doesn't love the attention.
5. He didn't answer my question.
Enough. On with the show.
Art is jogging along the beach, the location of which we don't care about because that's not why we're here. Tonight's brooding, lovelorn stare is Art staring out to sea, like a lonely lighthouse keeper dressed in Hallensteins*. It looks bloody freezing- is he freezing? Doesn't matter, Kirst, get hold of yourself. We pan to the house, where the girls are sitting so close together they're more or less on top of each other under their fave Bunnings pop up* gazebo. Mike McNuggett saunters over looking gorgeous, and he is carrying a big black box. The girls eye the box hungrily. Mike eyes the tacky gazebo in disgust. The producers have gone on smoko so they're eyeing no one right now. Mike tells the coug's that Art/the producers are "upping the ante" with the dates, and thank christ for that because so far they have been appalling. There's a dress in the box that Art has chosen for one of the girls, and I screw up my face...because even though it's nice, I don't fancy a dude picking out my clothes. Just get me a voucher. Or money.
Shivani hopes it's her, but it won't be. She tells us she likes tall guys, but she kind of has to because she's 4ft3"*. The card reads, "However you slice it, you''ll always shine", and that sounds weird and stupid to me- but bear in mind that I am jaded from 5 episodes of hopelessness. The girls all say things like, "Oooh diamonds" and "Like...diamonds?". Firstly, how the shit do you slice a diamond? And secondly, cubic zirconias also shine. Chrystal wants to get the date because she is "so sick of listening to these girls", and I have a glimmer of empathy, except I'm also sick of her. She gets the date, anyway, and the other girls are like ERRRGFGHHHuMMMpFF. No one is stoked for her, but I am excited to watch more of her because as awful as she is, she brings decent viewing. She crows, "How do you like those apples?", and it pisses me off because it's "DEM apples", and she is ruining one of the best movies of all time which I will never forgive her for. C Monster opens the box, crushing Shivani in the process, and it's a bloody nice dress actually. She walks off saying, "Later, bitches"* and even though I made that up you just KNOW she did.
Right, so we're on C monster and Art's date. He says he's (the producers) organised a private lesson at the Seafood School and I rage, because I have ALWAYS wanted to do this. They're going to be making sushi, and I can guarantee you that a piece of yellow fin tuna will have ten times more personality than either of these dicks. Art fangs C Monster's apron on for her, because she is too spazzy to do it herself, and also because the producers said it would be cute*. It's not. They're mucking about with sushi rice, and it all seems really awkward and stilted, and I am hungry for sushi- but not their sushi.
Back to the house and the girls are sitting around on the latest Freedom Furniture range* under an odd umbrella. There are two separate conversations going on, and both are mind-numbbing. In case you care, some of them are talking about how the date must involve a diamond because diamonds are the only thing that shines. Huh. The others are talking about how different Chystal is when she's around the group, as opposed to one on one. Well, yeah. We only see the group dynamics aka when C Monster is a bitch, because nice Chrsytal is boring.
Back to the date. They're finishing up making their sushi, and it looks decent, if you don't mind your sushi looking like it's been sat on. Ooh, ad break. Respite.
Right, Art says he has cleared all of the museum for Chrystal, except it is after hours, so that wasn't exactly hard work. The Auckland Museum IS beautiful though, and I high five the producers for choosing it as a location- or perhaps I'm just relieved it's not fucking Waiheke again. C Monster looks bangin' in that dress, and Art has a SURPRISE for her. She says "Oooooh" at the little box, and mutters thank you so quietly we can barely hear her. She opens it saying, "MMmmm", and it's a pair of diamond/CZ earrings. She says absolutely nothing and I know that look she's giving the stones- she's checking the cut/colour/clarity/authenticity- by the look on her face she is finding it lacking. To fill the silence, Art tells her excitedly, "These are full diamond earrings"..and she says, "They're beautiful" in a flat voice. Hnnng. The producers have set up a table with the squashed sushi because TV3 budget spending has been through the ROOF lately, but thank god for the Lindauer sponsorship. The dinner is awkward as hell, and it's just gross. C Monster is making zero effort, and perhaps this is what Christchurch girls do- ones that call themselves "worldly", anyway. Art tells her some of the other girls are intimidated by her, and she tells him she couldn't give a flying fuck* if they are or not. He waffles on about how gorgeous she is, and Chrystal just sits there and nods in agreement. She is giving him a hell of a lot of sex eye, though. Now they're up on the roof, and they are going to pash. It's okay until C Monster pays him out mercilessly halfway through by saying, "Are you going to open your mouth?" and I crack up and rewind it 3 times. The shame. She is HORRIBLE but it is WONDERFUL.Then she makes him dip her and kiss her at the same time, and it is cheesy. The weirdest thing is that Art doesn't seem at all embarrassed and concerned- if someone had said that to me I would have leapt off the roof. Anyway, she gets a rose, obviously, so we'll be seeing more of her- like you're surprised.
Back at the house and the desp's are talking about how late C Monster got in last night- apparently around 1am. Reaaaaaaaally? They're all gnashing their teeth and chomping at the bit for Chrystal to appear, and BAM she appears perfectly on cue, waving her rose around. Has she been taking tips from Courtney Robinson from the US Bachelor? Because Courtney was vile (but awesome) through and through- ended up winning, then writing a best-selling tell all book about the whole shambles, and is now mega-rich.. Could do worse. Anyway, Alysha tells us she thinks C Monster has that "beautiful in love glow", which I think is a bit of a stretch. C says her date was "amaaaaaaaaaazing", and then proceeds to milk it and exaggerate it for all it's worth just to rark the banshees up. She brags about her CZ earrings, and claims that the kiss was the best kiss she's ever had. LIAR. EXCELLENT. Shivani thinks that CZ earrings are "a bit much for a first date", but this is coming from the girl that refuses to kiss in public, so ANYTHING is a bit much.
It's either a new day, or one hour and a change of outfit later, because Poppy brings out a date card- it's a group date, amazingly. Like always. What proceeds to happen next aggravates me beyond belief, because basically every single girl is going on this date, and it is drawn out for several stupid minutes that I'll never get back. I have another wine to chill out, and it works- for now. The date is at the Winter Gardens, another beautiful Auckland location, and soon they will run out- because Auckland does NOT have that many nice places. If they go to Rainbows End, I quit. For real. The girls are wearing the most disgusting looking makeup I have ever seen, and the makeup sponsor should be ashamed. NZ has a plethora of talented makeup artists, and this is what they came up with? If I sound scathing, it's because I am. It looks like my toddler was let loose on their faces- but even he knows where eye shadow goes. The hair isn't much better, but because I don't know shit about hair, I won't pretend to. Natalie is the only one that looks normal, and she looks REALLY good, so snaps.
The group "date" is a catwalk where they'll be getting photographed. I have absolutely no idea how or why this could possibly be considered to be a date- it's just the worst, and absolutely none of the girls are happy about it. Oh, except maybe Poppy, but she is a little gassy bubble of joy anyway. Shivani is the chump who has to go first, but she is adorable. Alysha comes next, tries too hard to be funny, and it is excruciating. I love you guys, but this is awful to watch. They skim through a few more, and they're fine. Art tells us it's a good way to get to know the girls and their personalities, and this is the stupidest, most idiotic thing he's ever said (so far). How the hell? What the hell? I am speechless for once. Natalie absolutely NAILS it, and should have gotten far more credit. Matilda was....embarrassing. She did a strange Egyptian/bodybuilder pose and I am doing silent screams. Chrsytal thinks she looks like Sideshow Bob, and I don't know why, but whatever.
Cocktail party- which means we're on the final stretch- YAY. The girls have decided (for whatever reason) to stage a "boycott", where they've all agreed NOT to approach Art and let him do all the work. Chrsytal tells us if she didn't have a rose, there's no way in hell that she'd be taking part, which goes without saying. Art wanders up listlessly with a glass of water for once. Usually he is boozing up hard but perhaps he is hungover from all the Lindauer he drank last night trying to recover from Dani's pash attack. They have a toast with the foul red glasses to no more runways- and I raise my Peppa Pig mug (my drinking vessel of choice) in agreement. No more. Art snaggles Danielle B away for scintillating conversation about how she doesn't like confrontation and padlocks (?) and the other girls patronisingly say it's "nice" that she's getting to spend time with Art. They only say this when they're not threatened, otherwise they are PISSED at whoever is daring to converse with Art.
Poppy gets chosen for some one on one time, and it's non-eventful, unsurprisingly. Art "borrows" Danielle B AGAIN which makes all the girls rage silently, and she gets a rose, because she is a padlocked diary. He then "steals" Matilda and has a go at her* about the boycott. I thought she was going to get a rose, but she doesn't, and I'm assuming this is the twist or the suspense? The show is neither twisty or suspenseful, and I truly hope that you're not as bored as I am at this point.
It's the rose ceremony, thank god. The first rose goes to Poppy for always making him smile, and by her own admission "melts into the carpet" which sounds utterly revolting. Amanda and Carissa each get roses, and so does Brigette- I have no comment because I just don't ever see these humans. Alysha gets a rose, as does Matilda in spute of her boycott shenanigans. It's down to Krystie and Shivani, and I'm not fussed in either so I don't really care...but the rose goes to Krystie. Shivani is going home, but at least she goes home knowing she had the best head of hair, and didn't make herself look like a slore at any point in time. So, snaps.
HUPPY EASTUH, YOU GOIZE!!!!
*= indicates a fancy lie