To the house where the girls are....all in the spa. A tiny spa which would be a squish for 4 people, and 11 of them are in there. Gratuitous bikini shot, and if Art was here he would definitely be getting toey. MIKE walks in, and thinks they look as stupid as I do.He tells the goirls that it's at "that crucial stage", where they really need to show Art the "real" them. He also tells them the clock is ticking and that there's no pressure. HAHHA, you tell them, lil nugget. Kristie is gagging for the the single date, but it won't be her. Brigette is also gagging for it, and it definitely won't be her. The card reads, "Let's head for the hills" and I brace myself...the suggestions include, "maybe horseriding", "hiking?", and "ONE TREE HILL". Fucking geniuses. Alysha gets the date, screams like a banshee, and she must be a decent human because the other girls look psyched for her. With the exception of Amanda, who thinks Alysha was a dick for screaming.
We pan to a shot of Art at an airport, and he tells us he's taking Alysha on a date to Blenheim, and I spend about 5 minutes guffawing, because Blenheim. Art says he's "gone a little classy" for this date, and I keep guffawing, because Blenheim. They hoon along in a classic car for a bit (dunno what kind, but I should do because of my bogan roots), and arrive at Wither Hills vineyard. OKAY WHOAH- I get it now. I take back all my guffaws, because if there is one sav' I love, it's a Wither Hills sav'. Eh Kara???!! The date is going to involve them blending their own sauvignon blanc, and this is a date that I would LOVE, so snaps to the producers for coming up with this.
Alysha suggests turning it into a competition, and all I can think is "Where the hell did this girl's personality come from?!". I thought she just cried all the time and spoke with a hilarious Southland accent. I am being proven wrong often in this ep, and I feel a little disconcerted. Alysha imaginatively calls her blend "The Bachelorette", the judging guy does that wine swilling thing, & apparently it's delicious. Art has named his blend the "Southern Sapphire"...after her eyes...and my head lolls over to the side and my jaw collapses like I'm getting ready to vomit. Art wins, blah bah. Typical.
Back to the stupid house. The girls are pretending to put makeup on their faces but it's really just a nod to sponsor. It's Poppy, Brigette, and Kristie, and I'm starting to wonder if the main girls that get screen time each ep are the ones that could potentially be going home. This happened last week- girls we'd never seen...they got camera time, then BAM. GONE. Am I trying to imply that this show is formulaic? I WOULD NEVER.
We're back at the winery, and Art and Alysha are stuffing their gobs with food like it's the first decent meal they've had in weeks, and it probably is, knowing TV3. But rest assured it's no degustation, or 3 course prix fixe- only the lunch special. The conv' is banal at best, and Alysha misses her family and her dog. She tells us in her interview that she is ROOLY close to her family, but I am distracted by her statement necklace, because the only statement it is making is, "I'm a big gross tacky as hell necklace". I digress. Art tells her that they're in the same room as Wills & Kate did, and she doesn't care. Fail, Art. I like her. Art is looking forward to finding out "what's behind those beautiful blue eyes of hers" and I vomit everywhere. He is SUCH A COCK. Now they're sitting on a damn beanbag amongst the vines, which would have been nice if Art wasn't there. He gives her a rose, tries to get a pash, and she says nup- she'd rather wait. Respect, sistah. He did the revolting asking if he could kiss her thing which just makes my skin crawl, so thank god girl said no.
It's another day, another date card- which is obviously going to be a group date. The card reads, "Time to bounce", and for a second I am overjoyed thinking that maybe, JUST MAYBE, the show is being axed mid-season for being completely ridiculous. The other girls think they might be going on zorbs or trampolines. I need another drink. The "lucky" date attendees are Kristie, Natalie, C Monster, Dani, Brigette (Poppy hopes B will wear a sports bra and so does the rest of NZ) & Danielle (why haven't we seen more of her accordion for gods sake?). They leave, making lame jokes about bouncing, and Alysha, Matilda & Poppy are left behind to get stuck into some serious day drinking*. Because why wouldn't you?
They all arrive at a place called Jump, and I am less than enthused. I don't like to exert myself physically at the best of times, let alone on a fucking date. I thank my lucky stars that I didn't apply for this show after all, even though I wouldn't have made it because I'm nearly old enough to be Art's mum. They're going to be playing trampoline dodge ball, and all i know is that if any of them are smart (AHAHAHAH) they will stay the hell out of Kristie's way. She is intense. Oh god, after the stupid dodge ball they're going to have a SLAM DUNK comp. I really, really want to fast forward all of this, but I don't want you guys to be mad The struggle :(
Kristie is barking orders at her teammates (accordion and big boobs) like a drill sergeant. The other team's strategy, if you can call it that, is to focus on nailing Kristie. Why do these bitches dislike Kristie so much? They begin, and I don't know the rules but I assume it's not that complex. Art says it's the most exciting sport he's seen in awhile, and if we didn't know he was into crossfit before, we definitely do now. YAWN. Kristie absolutely canes Dani, and I do laugh at this, and then chortle a little more when she starts barking at Brigette to "JUST GO! JUST GO". God, her voice even gets deeper, it's all very Exorcist.There's a mildly amusing montage of Kristie looking like she's trying to maim people with the balls (snicker), complete with frantic music. It's down to Kristie and Dani, and I hope Kristie wins because GOD knows she deserves it after all that effort. But...she doesn't, so Dani, C Monster & Nat are through to "the finals". Hnng
Nothing tooooo exciting happens in there (I don't think), so get your filthy minds out of the gutter. Art tells Dani he woke up that morning thinking/feeling (whatever) that he "pretty much" liked all of the girls. She replies with an apt, "That's scary". I agree.Billy Small Balls. Art tells us he thinks some of the girls might be a little bit jealous of all the time Dani has gotten to spend with Art, and I scream, "NO SHIT SHERLOCK". Dani tells us she's a people pleaser, and I get it because so am I...but you can't possibly go on a show like this and expect all those mad bitches to see reason. They have a kiss like a kiss you'd give your nana- and she doesn't get a rose. WHY.
You may be thinking that I am starting to like Dani, and you'd be right. I did get in a huff with her last week when she claimed that another blog had the only "decent & unbiased" recap out there, but I'm slowly getting over it (but not really).
Meanwhile, Kristie is telling Alysha she is refusing to approach Art, that HE must approach HER. Fair play, I guess. I like a gambler. C Monster is sitting with Amanda (who we have barely seen) and, uhh..Danielle or Carissa. She tells them Kristie is going home after her behaviour yesterday- and I'm like, "Yesterday? I thought that was today?"- but who cares. Under the other Bunnings gazebo, Matilda, Dani and Carissa or Danielle are saying the same thing, but in an excellent passive aggressive way. Everyone hates Kristie and I am confused- is she a total dick off camera? WHY are we not seeing this? Get your shit together, producers.
Whatever these idiots are saying, Art "steals" Kristie away, and they are having what looks to be an an a decent conv'. BUT OF COURSE C MONSTER INTERRUPTS. DRAMARAMA, YOU GOIZE! Art asks for a minute or two, and C Monster utters the phrase, "WRAP UP', then proceeds to stand there like a complete sociopath. The other girls have a bitch about it- all saying it was harsh of C Monster...I love how they're acting like Kristie's mate when moments before they were being complete bitches about her. Sometimes I am ashamed to be a female.
Carissa finally gets time with Art, and it truly is as boring as you'd expect. Even Art tells us it is boring, and that is saying a LOT. I'm going to skip this bit because there is nothing to say. In slightly more exciting news, Art "steals" Kristie away again and gives her a rose- high five, girl! The other girls act stoked, and I want to punch them all in the arse for being such fake humans.
Thank christ it's the rose ceremony. OOOH we find out that TWO of them are going home- woooooooooo! This is wonderful news, because it means the show is going to end soon and I can be FREE. The only girls that look happy about it are the two who got roses (Alysha and Kristie), and C Monster, because she is vile. Art does his usual spiel of how hard the decision was, but whatever, dickhead. C Monster gets the first rose, obviously. Natalie gets a rose, huzzah, I love this spazzer. Dani gets a rose, and I'll be 100% happy for her as soon as she apologises to me for her Twitter remark (see above). Matilda gets a rose, because she just must- she's the underdog- a beautiful one. Danielle gets a rose and I'm okay with that because I want to see her play her accordion for Art on a date. CAN YOU IMAGINE? Poppy gets a rose, and that's probably a good thing for ratings because NZ loves her, and her bowel emissions. Amanda gets the final rose, so Carissa and Brigette are going home. The other girls are crying like it's a fucking funeral or something, and they really need to pull it together. Oh, except C Monster, because she's about as warm as a fridge. No surprises here, and guess what- tomorrow night doesn't look exciting at all- but I'll be watching- FOR YOUSE GOIZE- JUST 4 YOUSE.