There will never ever ever be an opening scene without Art lugging his bod' around for maximum exposure while still managing to look pensive and introspective, so that's happening right now. He's frolicking around in the water, and I don't know what he's saying because (a) I'm distracted by his torso, and (b) I don't care. It will just be some rubbish about how there are only 5 girls left, and how it's getting ROOLLY intense & difficult. You get the drift- it's been the same for the past 11 ep's, so you don't need me to detail it now.
Right, so at the house the girls are sitting around on beanbags from Freedom Furniture that the producers got in the summer sale. Moike swaggers in (he has SUCH a swagger and I just want to pinch his wee cheeks- his face cheeks I mean, god) and refers to the girls as the "Famous 5". They all get a bit carried away by calling themselves "Fabulous Five" and "Dream Team", and I want to tell them to shut the fuck up and let Moike have his moment. He's got a date card, obvi, and he tells them they might want to "dip their toes into a date"- what? It says, "If you're looking for a wing man, look no further". They say questioningly, "A wing man?", like they don't know what that is, and they probably don't. It's a single date, Matilda's got it, and the other girls stick their bottom lips out like big babies. Whatever, Matilda deserves it after the shit-show shambles of her first single date.
Next we see a place that has lots of planes, and I guess you could call that an airport- is this show making me thick? Art hoons up in a jeep wearing his fave item of clothing, a jumpsuit, and Matilda tells us he looks like Tom Cruise in Top Gun. I gasp in horror and scream, "You did NOT just compare Art to MY MAVERICK", because Top Gun is one of my favourite movies and it's a sacrilege. Also- how old was Matilda when Top Gun was released? I'll tell you- NOT BORN. But I digress again, and they're flying around in a plane. The best bit so far is the salty seadog pilot Pete, Now they're at a place called Fountain Gardens, and it's actually really beautiful. The whole thing is only marred by Matilda screeching, "OHHH UT'S SAAAHH CUUUUUTE" every two seconds. Art is rowing them around a pond in a dinghy, talking utter nonsense, and I'm wondering how many laps he had to do. She tells us she can see herself falling in love with Art and I am like, "WHOAAAAH SISTER, it's the second date, whoah back". But....it's The Bach', so what the hell do I know. Ad break, aka, top up my drink to cope time.
Back at the date, Art tells us that Matilda loves to eat- is that a thing? They have a feed (a small feed), and Art gives Matilda one of Michael Hill Jeweller's finest. She's thrilled and all that, but I despises how they act like it Art paid for it/chose it himself. Thank TV3, not Art, for fucks sake. They have a boring conv' about whether or not Matilda can see them together in the future and she is so fast to say yes she just about breaks her other arm. At the house again (it's skipping back and forth so quickly my head is spinning, or that could just be the pinot that John Key didn't give me thank god), Dani and C Monster are having a bitch. C Monster tells Dani Poppy apparently DID pash Art on their date, surprise surprise. Who cares? Everyone is pashing him, it's the game, and if the girls don't care about herpes then that's their business.
Art & Matilda are lying in the bushes (legit), and there is a friendly cat and I say "AWWWWW" like one of the stupid contestants, because I am a crazy cat lady. I'm briefly distracted by Matilda screeching, "AWWWW IT'S SOOOOO CUUUUTE", but then I notice that this cat is ALL over Art, and ignoring Matilda- fair play. I'm guessing it's a female cat, and perhaps one of the rejected contestants reincarnated. They have another trivial conversation about "liking" each other, and you can see Art is gearing up for a pash. He's horny, Matilda is horny, the cat is clearly horny- everyone is on heat right now and I'm starting to question my own libido- is their something wrong with me? Don't answer that. It gets worse because at this point my boyfriend screams out, "LOOK! SHE'S PRESENTING HERSELF", and I'm almost scared to look at the screen because god knows what Matilda is doing. But it's the horny cat, actually blatantly presenting itself, lying there with her legs open, just like most of the girls on the show do when the cameras are off. Yes, I went there. They pash (Matilda and Art), and I am just laughing so much I am crying, because the horny cat slore continues to lie there fully spread and it is wonderful. It truly is a metaphor for The Bach' and couldn't be more perfect. Oh, and Matilda gets a rose, but who cares about that when the cat is STILL proffering herself to Art. BEST.
They finally stop fushung, and pull up (I know boats don't pull up, but whatever) to a beach. What follows is the most stilted and awkward moments in The Bach NZ history, which sounds like an exaggeration but it only slightly is. Alysha is NOT playing ball, she has the sourest look on her face, and it's made even better when Art "steals" Dani away and they walk off holding hands. HNNNNNG. Of course they pash, and Dani pretends to be worried about whether or not Alysha can see them....HAHAHAH Like she cares, honestly. And of course she can see, it's only a couple hundred metres up the beach. She's moody, not blind. Then it's Alysha's turn, & as they walk off he tells her he's goot something to show her. Is it a rose?? Nah, it's just a seal. She pretends to be excited and wants to go closer, and I am crab-facing because seals are fucking vicious- I got chased by one at Moeraki once and I ran off screaming. But if she wants to get attacked, fine.
Alysha had told us initially that she wasn't sure if she was going to pash Art, but COME ON who is she kidding? Dani is right when she says that Alysha would be stupid not to at this stage, it's a pashing frenzy, and even I would be pashing Art at this stage. By the way, I have it on fairly good (okay, excellent) authority that Art was spied recently eating food that is DEFINITELY not paleo, if icecream is not paleo. What is happening right now? Although to be fair, I'm not sure I remember him actually saying he was paleo himself, he just runs a paleo food business...do I like him more or less? I'm so confused, let's move on. They pash- but doesn't get a rose...OOOOH. This bodes well for a drama-filled rose ceremony, but too be honest, I'm more excited to watch the new Real Housewives of New York episode I have set to watch next. Because Bethenny, Ramona and Sonja are legit crazy bitches, and are genuinely amazing to watch. Trust me.
ROSE CEREMONY. For once, I have absolutely no idea who will be going home, which is quite refreshing. The first rose goes to Dani, sighhhhh. The next goes to Alysha, and I am bored. Again. it's between Poppy and C Monster...who will it be?? NZ's favourite, or the one NZ loves to hate? It goes to Poppy, and C Monster is going home. Not that she gives a fuck though, she not only gets to get away from the other girls, but she'll probably make a heap of cash doing "celebrity" Instagram endorsements, and be the cream of the crop in Christchurch...like that's hard. SORRY CHCH, I DO LOVE YOU REALLY- TRULY <3 Next week Art is going to meet everyone's families, and I am genuinely looking forward to this because I love seeing psychotic parents and overly familiar siblings. What could be better?!
P.S. Some people keep trying to publish *spoilers* about who won. Shut up. Don't be such DICKS. I find it highly unlikely that you know who wins, given the prevalence of NDA's...and even if you are friends with your hairdresser's sister's cousin who lives down the road from Art's mum's friend and you ROOLLY do know- shut up. Watch the vid below.