Alysha drives herself to Whakatane, and I'm because I'm shit at North Island geography, I don't know how long a trip it is but whatever it is- it's still rubbish that she has to drive herself. Luckily they all have a license. That must have been a mandatory to apply for the show, and is yet another sign that it wasn't meant to happen for me. Art's there waiting by a "chopper" as he calls it, and I hate it when people do that. They fly off, and Alysha is having a mare. She also calls Art, "boy", and I am laughing. That's some rugged South Island-talk right there-- and it's perfect because she has one of the strongest accents I've ever heard, and I'm from Oamaru. They walk around White Island for a bit, and it's cool I guess, if you like walking.
Back at the house, the girls are gossiping as per, and think that Alysha will get a rose, as do I. But they are gnashing their teeth with rage, and I am nodding wearily. Chrystal & Poppy are taking the piss out of how much Dani stalks Art, and everyone has fallen for Poppy's "lie" about not pashing Art last week. OOOOH IMPENDING DRAMA BUT PROBABLY NOT UNTIL TOMORROW. Oh yay, ad break.
The other girls are at the house having "high tea", aka scoffing scones in their gobs and quaffiing back booze. Fair play. Chyrstal tells us that Matilda would make a great grandmother and I laugh because she is such a bitch, and therefore, entertaining. A date card is pulled out, and it says, "Who's really looking for a love match?'. Obviously it's a group tennis date, and because they are all rocket scientists, they nail it on the first guess. The girls going are Matilda, C Monster, Natalie and Dani- I'm stoked for Natalie because I think she'll shine on this date while the others look like unco jerks. It's at this point when my boyfriend points out that one of the contestants looks exactly like an ex boyfriend of mine from years ago, and HE IS RIGHT AND I AM DYING. I'm not sure I can ever view her the same way again.
Back on the date, Art and Alysha are swimming and smoooching aboout, and she FOINALLY lets Art pash her. Art says it was well worth the wait, and Alysha says the kiss was "noice". I feel like these two would have extremely vanilla sex, but then again, you never know. It's always the quiet ones that are the sickos with foot fetishes and the like. Apparently. When a scene like this happened in one of the US Bachelor episodes, the Bach' & the girl ended up doing sex in the sea- although according to her, it was "only the tip". I don't think this is happening right now, and if it is, I'd rather not know about it thank you very much. ANYWAY. She gets a rose, because everyone knows that Art only gives roses to the pashers- that's blatantly obvious. Gotta check to see if that all-important "chemistry" is there. When Alysha gets back to the house the banshees fall all over each other asking her if she kissed him. They question and question her and I want Alysha to tell them all to fuck off and mind their own business, but that won't happen because TV3.
So the game is done, and now they're being served burgers out of a van. I love burgers, and have no issue with food vans, but C Monster is VAY UNIMPRESSED. Except...this scene is extremely reminiscent of the Australian Bachelor episode where bitch face Laurina has a meltdown on her date because she has a eat a "dirty street pie". Y u gotta copy so much, TV3? Nothing will ever top that line, so once again, all of this is falling flat for me. It picks up a little when C Monster gets the attention of the, uh, burger people by hollering out, "HEY BURGER PEOPLE"- she wants a knife and fork for her burger. Oh, fuck off. She does fuck off, which is great, because Art asks her to go somewhere called "the old school house" with him, and I'm scared that this is a euphemism.
So they go to an actual old school house, and it's just a bit weird. Chrystal is awful. Art has all these baby photos and copies of his school report to show her, she laughs hysterically, and FOR ONCE- I almost feel sorry for him. You just know if it'd been one of the other girls they'd have been wetting themselves with excitement, and she is the worst. She can't even fake nice. Nat is telling the other girls that she doesn't feel like she's "at the same luv-uhl" as the others...bless her. Art "steals" her, and I guess they had to walk for several kilometres because in the next scene it is night time. What continuity? But who gives a shit about continuity when you have Tiki Taane performing for you? Well, me, because I would find that incredibly awkward and cringey- serenading is just so wrong on so many levels. Art tells us that Nat always seems "a little bit stressed and awkward", and yeah, she is- because we all are. Plus, Art is too pushy with the pashing. He attempts to go in for a kiss, and Nat tells him she could fall asleep- GAH. But BEST. The moment is gone, and so is Nat, I hope- for her sake.
COCKTAIL PARTY, which is rather a quiet affair now that there are only 6 contestants left. Art "steals" Dani away, and we learn that the other girls disapprove of her slore-ish ways- but say it's because she is so sure of Art's feelings towards her. C Monster says it is presumptuous, and I want C Monster to spell presumptuous. Anyway, they're blabbering away about some nonsense, and Dani says she wants some "reassurance", aka, to make out with Art. And they do, big time. Watching them almost feels intrusive, and the kiss lasts so long I'm able to quickly check my phone and text my Mum and top up my drink- all before it finishes. The other girls are spying on them like complete weirdos, and the pash is STILL going, and the music is INSANE. It's like serial killer music. Poppy enters and interrupts, thank god, because it was getting far too yuk.
Dani is telling Matilda and Nat about their "chat", and they are just super pissed off. Dagger eyes and side eyes. She didn't get a rose though?? Too much tongue, maybe? He steals C Monster, and tells her he finds her hard to read, because he is thick. SO thick. He's been told, and seen for his own eyes how much of a nightmare she is, and this is ridic. Now he's off with Alysha and she calls him out for having glitter all over his lips...but gurl, let's be real. This is The Bach'. Of course the girls are wearing glittery lipgloss.
Jesus, it's the rose ceremony already. There are only 4 roses to be handed out, and I think it's pretty obvious what's going to happen. Alysha already has a husband/a rose, so she's relaxed. The girls who receive roses are Dani (maybe not too much tongue after all), C Monster (because the producers know what will happen ratings-wise if she went now), Matilda (she's an angel, let's be real) and Poppy (legend). Nat is going home, and I am glad for her. I am still completely freaked out by how much one of them looks like my ex boyfriend, and even more freaked out that my current boyfriend noticed it first. The world is topsy turvy. Tomorrow night it looks like the shit is going to hit the fan. with the girls snarling and swiping at each other like alley cats, which they more or less are. CAN'T WAIT.
This recap goes out to Knixy & beautiful baby Hugo- love you guys! xxx