Tonight I am joined on the couch by one of my fave homies, Wither Hills sav. It's been a huge help to me in past times of trauma, & I shall be relying on it heavily this evening. I'm happy to report that I have heard no goss about any of these contestants over the past while, and I'm including those sad articles online where they talk about Naz's "mysterious past", & "Reasons we love Claudia". I didn't bother to read them because as usual (a) I don't give a fuck) and (b) Mediaworks won't let anything TRULY interesting be published. I'm heading into tonight's episode 99% unbiased, as there will always always be that 1% for reasons that are none of your business. LET'S DO IT
The date starts with Schmordan arriving on a dinghy, he is perched on the front of it like a dickhead- he could really have just sat in it like a normal person, but whatever. Storm looks beautiful, & again, seems lovely. They biff themselves in the boat, then in the water, then onto a beach. They are talking and it is boring so I am going to fold some laundry while this happens as I honestly don't think there'll be enough to write about- & hey, we're all busy busy people right?
We pan back to the girls who were rejected from the date, and it's a gang of blondes talking about being blonde. I can't make this shit up. Ceri wonders if Schmord is a blonde or a brunette guy, and someone replies, "Dunno yut, uht's hard to tull, thuy've kunda done uh muxture". Now they're talking about who is there for the right reasons, and I am still confused because I STILL can't figure out what they mean by that. Is it...to find love? On a TV3 dating show? Surely not. There's some more waffling about whether Schmordan will "see through" some of the girls, & to be quite honest, even though I'm from Oamaru these accents are so thick that I can't quite catch what they are saying. Nor do I care to understand, & neither should you.
Back at the date, they are kayaking and whatnot, and it is still mind numbing even though I like Storm very much. GASP, but she seems normal. So does Schmordan, actually. GASP. It is what it is guys, I can't be an asshole about eeeeeeveryone, just most of them. LOLOLOL they just saw a boat called STORM and I think this is meant to be comedic. My eyes are rolling back in my bed, and I need to top up my drink. They are now sitting on a wharf, I think, drinking booze & being beautiful. The producers scream at Schmordan to put a jacket on Storm because she is freezing her ass off, & he grumbles, but does it, because they are waving his contract at him again. He shoves chocolate mousse up her nose and while it is predictable, it is cute, & she looks adorable. SHE GETS A ROSE AND THEY PASH. AND PASH. AND PASH. I am making an early prediction & saying she will be in the final 3 oooooooh.
The next day Storm is getting grilled by the banshees about what happened on the date, the poor bitch. When she tells them there was a kiss, the following people look enraged/nauseous: Shari, Ceri, Sarah & Naz, but to be fair, we don't see EVERYONE'S faces, so they are probably all fucked off. Oh thank christ it's a blessed ad break, and is it just me- or has this episode (and as a direct result, this recap) been shitting boring as fuck so far? I'm struggling to come up with content, and this better change or else I'm giving up the ghost.
The girls are sitting around the pool wearing waist trainers, & Baby Brows comes marching in like the diva he is WITH A DATE CARD (which will obviously be a group date). They all scream HOIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII and OMGGGGGGG. The date card is ambiguous as best, but I can guarantee it won't be that amazing- the girls going are Nicole, Alicia, Anna, Amanda & Naz. Naz is NOT happy to be on the same date as Anna. Shari is gutted not to be on the date as are several others whose names I didn't catch because I am only half paying attention at this point. Don't worry girls, you'll get thrown off the Harbour Bridge, be dragged behind a boat & get mousse up your snouts eventually.
To sum up, on this date, the girls get to wash dogs. Again, I can't make this shit up. TV3 have set up those blue seashell paddling pools, a few sponges & buckets, and I am stunned at the amount of expense and effort they have gone to with this "date". The dogs are the best thing about this whole shambles, and I want them all. There's nothing to write, because how do you write about dog washing? Throw me a FUCKING bone here, Mediaworks, pun unintended. Anna looks less than enthused about the whole thing, which is fair, and hiffs a fairly big lab into the pool then walks off, over it. You guys won't believe what happens next- Schmordan hoses the girls off. Legit. I am gobsmacked. It reminds me of the time my friend's brother stole her phone and texted all her friends inviting them over to their flat for a pool party. When they all arrived they were like, "You don't even have a pool". Tim said, "Yeah, but there's a hose. I can hose youse all off". They left. These girls didn't leave, and I am just DONE. Anyway, Schmord has some boring alone time with Nicole, and she doesn't get a rose.
We pan back to the house and there is a weird voiceover conv' between Claudia and Naz, about Naz's triceps, about how Schmord was staring at Naz's "tits" (her words, not mine, for once), about how much they hate Anna, & how it is Naz's "duty to fuck her right off". So, clearly rehearsed, & it had to be audio-only...to make it more...believable??? TV3 think we are idiots, and they may be right, because we are watching.
COCKTAIL PARTY COCKTAIL PARTY. Schmord sits down with a group of them, & at a glance it is Kate, Storm, Ceri, Shari, & maybe someone else. I am laughing my ARSE off because he asks if there is any news from the house, and this scene has definitely not been rehearsed because they start to tell him about their cleaning roster. He says, ".....Right....", which is perfect, & he runs off, which is equally perfect. My fave part of tonight's episode, hands down.
He heads over to the others, and Claudia swiftly goes in for the kill and steals him away. She is still fucking annoying to me, has a fake smile, and thinks her and Schmordan are a perfect match because she is tanned and he is tanned. Huh. brilliant. Ceri swoops in, and Claudia doesn't mind because apparently they have an "arrangement". This is mildly interesting because we didn't see this arrangement being made onscreen, but only MILDLY interesting. Ceri plays with a bit of paper and smiles a lot and it seems to work, because Schmordan tells someone else to piss off when they try to interrupt them. Oh it was Gabrielle, sorry Gabs. That was embarrassing.
Alicia has written Schmordan a letter which is a little bit cringe, but doesn't necessitate all the strips getting torn off her by Naz & Claudia. Fuck OFF Naz & Claudia. Naz steals Schmordan and she basically tells him the exact same shit she told him last time, about Anna being there for "the wrong reasons". UUGHH. Keep digging yourself that hole, Naz. If this wasn't so obviously scripted and edited, she'd be a recappers dream. This is SO STUPID. Claudia & Naz try to stir up some shit about Shari- apparently girlfriend said she'd rather have a bottle of wine than a rose and I am laughing because I heartily agree. Shari is awks, but adorably so, & I hope she gets a rose. Oh for fucks sake, Rebecca interrupts & it is so cringey that I am curling my toes. She then has to sit there & try & look happy while Schmordan gives Shari a rose ahhhhhhhhh. I've had nearly all I can take for tonight. This is a fucking festival of nonsense.
Claudia does not think Shari deserves the rose, and blatantly makes up a lie about bullshit. Literally, about bullshit. Naz lists off about 8 girls that are on her hit list, which was actually far more than I expected. Metz is talking to Schmord, and I am sad because it's obvious she is leaving the show. Good on her, though. She seemed like a VERY cool human, and someone I would definitely drink wine with. Metz, I'll be in touch.
Finally, it's the rose ceremony, and I am so relieved because it's all been too boring for bloody words, and I want to watch Filthy Rich now (yeah, I DO watch it, so?). Baby Brows helpfully points out that Metz is missing, & leaves it to Schmord to explain why. He explains by saying, "Yeah, she left" (basically), & that is that. Some of the girls pretend to cry, and in the words of one of my favourite recappers Ilana, if there are no tears it is NOT CRYING. Fact. Everyone gets a rose except for.....Anna, and Naz is RAPT. Anna looks very, very, very fucked off- she was the More FM Wildcard, and they usually stay a bit longer, so fair play. Baby Brows tells her her "journey for true love ends here" which is quite shit, & he appears taken aback when she tells him to fuck up. I am quite annoyed Anna is leaving, because she's stroppy as hell and could have made for slightly more interesting viewing, but OH WELL. Tomorrow it looks like there will be "drama", a gift from Michael Hill, paintball injuries (excellent), tears, & just bullshit. I apologise for this recap, because it was boring boring boring, but there really is only so much I can do. MUST DO BETTER- SEE YOU TOMORROW, DRINK UP.