We're at the mansion, with no fire in sight, but maybe that will happen later. The girls are sitting around the pool, being boring. One of them says, "Ut duz fuhl loik thuh's uh lut luss goirls nuhhw", & that is because there is, Einstein. They all nod like those toy dogs in the back of cars. Baby Brows appears and I hear screams of "HOI MATE"- or was it, "HOI MOIKE"- who knows, these girls are incomprehensible. He gives the date card to Ceri, & Naz curls her lip at her & grinds her teeth. Naz thinks she is going on the single date and I am laughing because like fuck she is. The date is something to do with art, & the girls say, "Maybe an art gallery?", &"Maybe drawings?" & I am dead. Because really, REALLY all I can think is WHAT IF ART FROM LAST SEASON POPPED UP? That would have been amazing, therefore, it won't happen. Anyway, the girls keep making their idiotic guesses & screwing up their faces in concentration. It is so hard eh? So hard. Shari gets the date, & Naz tells us that she doesn't like Shari. Fuck off Naz.
The date is at the Auckland Art Gallery, which is nice, because I love that place. Essentially all the date is is that Schmord tries to make a big deal of them having the place to themselves, & they are going to walk around looking at art. Except- they're there after hours, & even if they were there during open hours, it's pretty damn NON-BUSY at the best of times. Again, TV3 pushing the boat out on spending for these dates. Dicks. These girls deserve MORE. Yes, really. They gave up a shit-tonne to be on the damn show, & risked public humiliation...the very least Mediaworks could do is let them have some faaaaaaaaaancy dates. Fuck. But I digress.
Shari looks beautiful, and is adorable in that total awk kind of way, which I appreciate 100%. I feel like I could be friends with this girl, & I can't say that about very fucking many of the others (maybe...3 of the others). She clearly knows nothing about art (actual art, not Art Green, but I imagine she doesn't know much about him either), but is laughing it off like a champ. Schmord seems to like her just as much as I do, and tried to show off by talking about all the art he did at school. At SCHOOL. Over a decade ago, so, he is not cool. They sit down and start to get drunk, which is great, & it's all very chilled. Shari loses points for not knowing who Bill Murray is, but gains them back by just not giving a fuck. She is who she is, & that's fine with me.
We're back at the stupid house, and it is A HOUSE DIVIDED. Blondes against brunettes, sort of. More like Naz/Claudia vs everyone else. The wicked witches are talking about targets and hit lists and I am like CHRIST CALM DOWN BITCHES. The blondes sit there looking concerned, and gurgling nasally sounding words. I can't be arsed trying to translate right now. Naz tells Claudia that they need to throw the other girls under the bus at the next cocktail party, aka, fuck them right off. Aka, do exactly what she's done for the past 3 episodes. Yawn Naz. She needs a new strategy because this is getting even more shit and even more boring, which I didn't think was possible.
Back at the art gallery they're still looking at art, and it is boring so I am going to go & get something to eat. OH he's given Shari a necklace, well, Michael Hill has, & it's pretty, but WHERE IS THE ROSE? And also, the other girls are going to rip her limbs off. Schmordann slides down a pole on his arse and I roll my eyes- the first eye roll of many many many more to come.
Next, Shari has to face the wrath of the witches when their beady eyes spy her necklace in like TWO SECONDS. That's prob the producers screaming at them to look at the necklace, though. Their faces are a mixture of downcast, nauseous, jealous as hell, blank, constipated, furious.... and one happy face- Danielle, bless her. She's so smiley! Naz reckons the necklace is a goodbye gift, and I am like "WHATEVER NAZ" & it's time to top up my drink. I love you Lake Chalice sav. Baby Brows is here with a group date card, there's some annoying banter, but to sum up- there's a bunch of girls going, & Ceri is now the only one who hasn't been on a date. The others do some fake condolences, & that is that is that.
They're going paintballing, yet another "worst nightmare" kind of date in my opinion. GOD. It's all so energetic, and I am too old and tired for any of this. Naz & Claudia are wearing big stupid hats and look ridiculous. They choose teams, & Claudia pitches a fit that Naz didn't pick her first while I scream at the TV because is there any hope for the world? Regardless, they put on the paintball outfits, & my boyfriend comments that they suddenly look much better. I look at him in surprise because he is never horrible and ask, "Because they're wearing masks???", & he laughs & says no, just in general. I agree with this, because anything is better than those floppy hats.
Right, they start shooting, and it is what it is. The weaker ones (aka, like me) get shot first, some get shot in the arse which is enjoyable on a very, very mild level. Lindsey (the American) is bloody amazing at this, and I am impressed and slightly scared. Look, I can't lie, it got weird when the American shot the Persian, okay? It was a bit....something. Moving on. Lindsey wins, no surprises there, & Schmord is NOT impressed because he thinks she shot Claudia too many times. Oh fuck off, Schmord. Like Claudia wouldn't have done that given half the chance.
Back at the house, (the schmouse), the girls are in the kitchen (GOD), making muffins or some shit- you don't really care, do you? Ceri is repeating that old chestnut, "I like to think he's saving the best for last", & it is yawn because she has said this before. She says she is worried, but honestly, she shouldn't be. She's getting a rose, & is final 3 material- fact. I'm not saying I agree with this, but it's just obvious because Mediaworks.
The paintballers get to have a go at shooting Schmordan, and they talk a lot about his balls. Lindsay shoots him in the balls. She's not getting alone time, or a rose, and I think that sucks. Why even TRY on these stupid date activities? Erin gets alone time at Butterfly Creek ( I LOVE THAT PLACE), talk about nothing, Schmord makes an awful pun about monkeys, and she doesn't get a rose. or a pash, in case you cared. I'm so bored. Are you bored? I want to cry.
Thank god we're at the cocktail party because that means we are nearly done for the week. This necessitates bulletpoints:
- They all look beautiful
- They are all talking about wanting a rose
- Ceri will not stop talking about how much she wants to go on a date
- Schmord busts Ceri saying this
- I thought he was wearing a black skivvy, but I was (thankfully) wrong
- Naz is being nosey & a bitch to Alicia
- Schmordan stomps on Lindsey's foot -_-
- He has alone time with Fleur & she is adorable
- Nicole says she'd rather get a necklace than a rose, which is clearly a joke (even if she's for real, who cares, so would I) & Naz is going to take this & run with it
- Lara asks Schmord for a rose, & he says NO. NO. NOOO.
- Naz & Claudia are tag teaming Schmord and it is cringe-town
- Naz is doing her usual nark routine, & I am drinking
- Schmordan is not fooled for a minute & tells her to fuck off
- Naz tries to be friends with Ceri who is upset
- Naz asks Schmordan to have some alone time with Ceri...which is...hnng
- Baby Brows prevents their alone time from occurring because he is SUCH a hater
- Everyone gets a rose except......Lindsey the sniper.
- That sucks & so does this show
- I am DONE (for this week)
- The Lake Chalice sav is perfection