Back at the house, the girls are doing what they usually are, squished unnaturally close onto couches & I am guessing they are meant to look like they have just woken up but that is bullshit. They are talking about who'll be going on the date, & if it'll be a group date. FUCK man, it is always a group date and then a single date, so this is just more scripted filler. Keri says it will be a group date with everyone but Keri and does a pretend laugh, but she is probably right- she'll get the single date I imagine. Claudia say Keri needs to shut up & stop complaining and I laugh because Claudia is just as bad, if not more so. Baby Brows enters wearing new season Hallensteins, & they all say "HOIIII MOOOIKKKE". I heard that Baby Brows is going to be the next Labour party leader, & fuck, I'm on-board. The date card says something about taking your foot off the brake and the girls scream "CARS"- geniuses. It's a group date with Danielle, Lara, Sarah, & Keri- so I am wrong about the single date. WRONG. That means I have to drink, so I do. Oh another girl is going to but I don't know/care who.
The date- out at Hampton Downs. driving cars. Another worst nightmare date, I would be soooooo fucked on this show- I'm also a year past the cut-off date, so I am also too elderly. I know nothing about cars, so I don't understand what the gist of the challenge is, but it's something about getting the fastest time...I'm so fucking bored. Some of the girls can't drive manual, so they are fucked. I can barely drive at all so I would be REALLY fucked. Danielle forgets how to reverse. Stalls. Yawn.
Pan back to the house where the witches Claudia and Naz (yes, I know that I don't know them, and yes, I am sure that they are roolly, roolly noice goils & that I am a piece) screeching about Gab and Danielle. Naz says "OMG" a lot. Tells us that Gab is at the top of her hit-list. They bitch about Nicole saying she'd rather get a necklace than a rose, & how the other goils are "sewwwwww materialistic". They say how they are "sewwwwwww happy for Keri", but they are not. It's an ad break now, thank god, because this is SHIT. I'm going to go out on a limb & say that last season was better by a country fucking mile.
Just like that and all too soon, we're back at the stupid race track.Keri is up, & NAILS it, albeit very slowly, like at the speed my mum would go. Lara fangs her way through it like a legend & she is my favourite girl on this date. Gab got a tonne of penalties, but was mildly entertaining. Only just. Sarah is confident as hell, but appears to fuck off all the cones/gates/whatever, & I am confused. Everyone else is confused too, & now I'm concerned for myself. Lara wins, & she takes him around the track...&...I just can't. I'm too bored, so I'm going to load the dishwasher while this is happening. PS She gets a rose.
Back at the house, the girls are all stuffed under a Bunnings gazebo, saying things like OMG and OH WOW. I'm guessing this in unscripted, but fuck, who even knows anymore.They pretend to be happy for Lara getting a rose, & Baby Brows pops out from behind a shrub. It's a single date and it's something about horse riding. Two for two, I am SO allergic to horses it's not even funny, & I am laughing at how awful I/it would be. Naz hates Kate, surprise surprise.
Kate is scared of horses, god love her, & she seems very sweet. This date is going great, actually, they're horseriding on the beach, & laughing their heads off. I like Kate's laugh because it's raucous and REAL- not some insipid hehehehehhehe. It's more like, MAHAUAHAHAUAUAUAUUA, & I love her.
Pan back to the house where they are (obviously) gossiping about Kate's date. These are the nice girls, so they are saying nothing exciting. They tell Keri that she should bake him something and I am asleep.
Back to the date, Kate & Schmord are sitting by a campfire that he did NOT build himself. Kate is very chilled, & I want to be friends with her. Danger. This means I have to drink, so I do. They're stuffing marshmallows in their gob, and I am REALLY hoping she gets a rose. They joke about sperm, she is hilarious, and it is fantastic. For those of you who only read these recaps and don't bother to watch the show, I bet that you are now REALLY wondering what the shit just happened. OH SHE GETS A ROSE- I am abnormally pleased.
COCKTAIL PARTY- we are so close! Gab reckons everyone is on edge tonight, & they do all look jumpy- apart from Claudia & Naz, who look beautiful, but still aggravating. Schmord sits down with the nice (boring?) girls, and Keri has baked him some stuff with a sign that says "Eat me Jordan exclamation marks with hearts for dots". He takes her off for some one on one time, by all accounts it's going well. She's definitely getting a rose.
Holy shit, I love Fleur. She's just sat down with Claudia & Naz, who try to capture her in their web of hate. Claudia says everyone's acting a bit "weird". Fleur says nup. Naz says she feels a "vibe". Fleur says nup. Naz says she doesn't want any drama in the house and I am laughing my arse off, and Fleur is having NONE of it.
Claudia reckons that if she just goes and sits by herself, that Schmordan will come over to her. Let's see. The other girls talk about Tinder, which probably been more of a reliable source for finding love...or whatever it is that people do on Tinder. Claudia is still sitting by herself. Schmord sits down with the nice girls, Nicole tells a jokey story & no one gets it & neither do I. He takes pity on her & takes her away. Unfortunately he takes her away to where Claudia was sitting, & we are meant to believe that he didn't know she was there. This is where Claudia SHOULD have walked off, but of course she doesn't. ERRGH she is going on about Paris Hilton buying her dresses again and it is so shit. Her actual words were, (& I quote) "And then to have Paris Hilton buy 3 dresses I was like OMG THAT'S AWESOME to know that someone pretty, you know, has bought my clothing". Nicole looks rightfully fucked off & I must drink.
It gets even better/worse when Naz rocks up, & tries to steal Schmord. Poor Nicole. Someone needs to interrupt- PLEASE.Naz tells a stupid story about how she can't swim because someone dunked her once. Christ.
Schmord finally replies to Alicia's letter from episode 1? 2? They read some of it out but it is nothing of consequence, & the producers make Baby Brows drag Schmord off. ROSE CEREMONY. Fleur is the first to get a rose and I cheer because she is amazing. Rebecca, Keri, Nicole, Storm & some others get roses, including Naz. This is very dull. Sarah & Danielle get roses, and I am starting to fret about Shari. Claudia gets a rose, sneer, & so does Erin. Alicia gets one which pleases me, but WHAT ABOUT SHARI. Oh thank god, she gets one. It's between Gab and little cute cat face Amanda- Gab wins the rose. This is the part where the girls do their fake crying because there are no actual tears, & Amanda exits gracefully, which is refreshing.
Tomorrow night- there is apparently terror on the high seas, which sounds like a load of bullshit to me, because all I saw was a jetski.I will be here, recapping away, NOT because I get paid for it, certainly not because I enjoy it, but because you have asked me to. I'm not sure what unsponsored wine I'll be drinking, but you can bet your cute asses that it will cost less than $13 & be a OneCard Special.