Tonight I'm shaking shit up by drinking a pinot gris from The Ned. I normally hate pinot gris, but it was in the fridge, and beggars can't be choosers. This isn't too bad, as far as pinot gris goes, & I am realising that these remarks do not bode well for a wine sponsorship from these guys- but at this point I am beyond caring.
Schmordan is walking in slow motion on a mountain and playing with bits of grass spouting unimportant scripted nonsense. He sounds like he's reading a book to a small child. At the house the girls are sitting around as usual being boring, and Baby Brows gives them the date card. It's something to do with jetting in the sun. Huh. They all guess jetskis. Cool. Ceri tells us again how much she wants a single date and we get it, Ceri. We get it. The girls going are Gab (which pisses the others off because she has been on FOUR dates so far, fuck), Claudia, & Naz. The others smile through clenched teeth, and Naz reminds us she doesn't know how to swim so this will be stupid.
They go off on a boat with Schmord and yes, they are going jetskiing. You couldn't pay me to go jet skiing, but then again, I don't get paid for a lot of shitty things which I still do, so that isn't saying much. Naz rabbits on about getting dunked when she was a kid and I am bored. are you? I am SO BORED. Even though Naz doesn't know how to swim, she volunteers to drive the jetski, for fucks sake. Then she falls off. Then the music goes crazy and dramatic, Naz tells us she is scared for her life, and I am drinking heavily because this is bullshit. She is also wearing a lifejacket, so...yeah. She recovers in about 30 seconds, throws herself off the boat, and is obviously dying for attention. Angling for one on one time, etc etc.Now Schmord is showering Naz and Claudia off and I am weeping for the female race. Schmord chooses to take Gab away for alone time which makes Naz SKITZ OUT. I've seen Persian anger before, and it's not a pretty sight. At ALL.
Right, after the ad break Naz is still in a huff, and refusing to spy on Gab & Schmord from the boat. Claudia is unfazed, and gawks away with no shame, which I kind of grudgingly respect. They both have banging bodies, and that's all I have to say about them. Naz says, "I'm done" 4 times & stomps off to the back of the boat. Jog on, Naz. Gab & Schmord are having a boring as shit conversation on the beach which I'm going to skip through because I need this to be over, & I don't want a hangover tomorrow. Claudia is using binoculars to spy on Gab & Schmord which is funny on a level of about 3 out of 10. Naz is still moody. G & S hop back on the boat, Naz is STILL moody (I told you about the Persian anger thing), & Gab doesn't give a fuck. I am cheering for Gab. Naz is now saying she isn't sure about being on the show anymore and she is an attention-seeking asshole. Jog jog jog.
Back at the stupid house, the girls are squished around the pool, some of them in really awkward looking positions thanks to the director. They're talking about if the next date will be a group date or a single date and I am screaming, "But it's the SAME every DAY- it's ALWAYS a group date and then a single date" but no one appears to hear or care. Baby Brows saunters out, gives the date card to Ceri to read out. it's a single date, and the girls start to guess shit like skydiving, which will not happen because that is too high budget for Mediaworks. Rebecca's got it, & I like her, so all is as well as it can be :/
Speaking of budget, the date is at Rainbows End. For those of you unfamiliar with Rainbows End, it's an "adventure" park in Auckland which always seems to have rides breaking down/falling to bits/important bits flying off/people falling out of them and therefore I have chosen to never go. I am an idiot, but not that much of an idiot. Rebecca tells Schmord that she has been before and that the rides made her sick, so...great. next there's an awful montage of them on rickety roller coasters , and she looks MISERABLE. Oh crap. She just did a vom in her gob. I have no words. This show is a fucking disaster, and I hope that Rebecca is being paid enough for this. Anyway, to sum up the rest- she "wins" a gigantic bear, he gives her a rose, & he pashes her vomity mouth. Lovely shit.
The next day, guess what? Naz is still in a fouler. her, Ceri, Claudia & Lara (I think??) are sitting around bitching about things, & about what will happen at the cocktail party. Naz tells us AGAIN that she is not sure about being there and I yawn. Also that she isn't going to go up to Schmord at the party, & she's not sure if she'll accept a rose if he offers. I CALL BULLSHIT. Seemingly out of nowhere Naz starts ripping into Ceri, & using expressions that I can't understand and don't really care about. "A rool dog act"? "A rool dogger"? Whatever. From what I can figure out, Ceri did some gossiping about Claudia, & Naz is overreacting. Ceri mustn't be used to Persian anger, because she is crying, & for some reason I want to fly in, scoop Ceri up, and tell Naz to fuck off. She doesn't need me though, and walks off, leaving Naz to stew in her own bizarre hatred.
Cocktail party. Schmord takes Naz aside and she doesn't hesitate in the slightest. Naz is a bullshit. Ceri is taking the high road, & says she doesn't care about anything Naz is doing, so fair play. Naz is talking shit and I am bored. NEXT. Schmord takes Sarah away, and she is lovely but it is dull. Where is Shari???? Rebecca has one on one time, and isn't vomiting which is a plus for everyone, especially us. Schmord is talking to Storm, she is ridiculously pretty, and they have a great big pash. Claudia tries too interrupt, and Schmordan says, "Nup", Embarr. Erin isn't at the cocktail party because she is sick. So are we :( Schmord goes to see her & gives her a rose. This is dragging on so slowly that I want to cry. Surely we are halfway through the season????
Rose ceremony. I just cannot be bothered anymore, so all I will say is that everyone got a rose except for Claudia THANK GOD. Naz is making a huge scene crying and throwing herself around & refusing to say goodbye, but I see no tears. WE ARE DONE! I'm not sure if I'll be watching next week, because this is too painful- but we'll see how much sleep I get this weekend :D