Quick shot of Schmord on the beach in Hawaii. Is he talking to us or auditioning to be the next surgeon in the plastic surgery unit on Shortland Street? It is SO scripted, and he is SUCH an actor, & it's all just fucking weird and dull.
The girls arrive at their Hawaiian house and they are all screaming and clapping. Rebecca (vomit gob) comments that she can't believe people get to live like this...well, most of them don't. Ceri wants to go on a helicopter ride, & FINALLY she gets a date. I'm as rapt as anyone, because at least this means she will stop banging on about it. The majority of the other girls can't hide their disgust, especially Kate, Storm & Naz. This is pretty boring, you guys, but I know you know this.
Schmordan is waiting for Ceri on a bridge wearing a lei because of course he is. Ceri looks amazing, & seems super confident. Schmordan is acting like a kindly old man, which is so gross and creepy- I'm sorry I wrote that, but wait- I'm not. He's just so fucking patronising. The next bit makes me laugh because it is SO Mediaworks. The weather is clearly shit- rainy/windy, but the producers have forced Schmord and Ceri to walk along the beach through the squall for ROI purposes. I can hear them screaming, "We fucking flew all you bastards all the way here so get your fucking arses on the beach- I don't CARE if it's a cyclone, just WALK". Schmord & Ceri stagger through the sand, only just making it, & are probably both swearing in their heads. They go & sit in a hut, and Schmordan makes stupid idiot dad jokes, & I'm stoked to see that Ceri doesn't even pretend to find them amusing. BUT- she gets her helicopter ride & I am pleased for her, because she deserves it after having to listen to Schmordan say things like, "thanks for weathering the weather". They see a whale & Schmordan says it's amazing to see a whale playing around in the water and I am snoring and crying. Ceri gets a rose- she is beautiful, good on camera, & threatens the other girls, so I think she'll stay around for awhile. She does act fairly young...but is this just in comparison to old man Schmord? PS No pash on the date, in case you cared which I know you don't.
Back at the house, the girls do their usual grill and attack- Ceri is talking very fast and is very excited, and the other girls are scowling, snarling and spitting like alpacas (eh Ra?). Kate is being annoying and talking about life stages, and offering unsolicited advice. I am like, okay Dr Phil, sit the fuck down. Oooh ad break aka cider top up.
Right- another date card, which is not brought out by Baby rows- where the hell is he??? If Mediaworks didn't pay for him to go to Hawaii that is just plain bullshit. It's a group date, and I missed who is included but I just know that Naz isn't going which makes her pissed. I snicker to myself like an old witch. They're going outrigging and I groan. Schmordan says "aloooooha laaaaaadies" & does a dad dance- awful. They're on the stupid boat things, & this date is shitty & boring. Schmord says he is "pumped", but I'm skipping through this bit because I can't be bothered.
He's chosen Alicia for one on one time, and I like her. She's quite goofy, but so normal. I want to be friends with her. Back at the house Naz has decided to apologise to Ceri, & tells us she has a game plan. Yupppppppp. This wicked witch storyline is wearing thin, huh? It's hard to recap a show that you have zero interest in, & one that you're fairly sure everyone hates. I have nooo idea if I'll make it through to the end of the season- we'll see. If the recaps all of a sudden STOP- you'll know why. HOWEVER- I will be recapping the new show on TV3, Married At First Sight (or something), so there'll always be something for you guys to read. Hahahaha shit, back to the show at hand. Sigh.
Right, ah, the cocktail party- we're nearly done! Schmordan says something weird and stupid about some of the girls still being in party mode...god forbid that any of them should try to have some fucking fun while he is off rehearsing his lines and getting in some sneaky new head shots on Mediaworks' dime. Get fucked, Schmordan, seriously. He takes Fleur away, and I love her. She seems very genuine, & is too good for him. The other girls are talking about kissing, & Storm is defensive and quoting Flight of the Conchords. She is very pretty, but appears to have no sense of humour whatsoever- deal breaker. Kate interrupts Fleur & Schmord, & I'm not sure why but she gets on my nerves. Before I get hate mail, I am only writing what I SEE- for all I know she is amazing IRL, Naz is Mother Theresa, & Storm is a fucking stand up comedian. Who knows? I write about the characters on TV- not the humans.
Some more girls interrupt, and it is nothing noteworthy, trust me. Schmordan sounds more and more like a self righteous fuck wit, & looks like he is reading off cue cards. Honestly guys, I am fast forwarding to the rose ceremony.
OH Baby Brows IS there! Yay for him. he's the most authentic guy on this whole show. Everyone gets a rose except for Danielle the firefighter, & Schmordan sends her off with the grossest line ever, "Don't let that fire die"- oh fucking hell. BYE. BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. I'm out.