HOLY HOLY HOLY SHIT !!! my little nugget Mike Puru is back and he looks so cute! Except...except...and Mike, you know I have to do this- but what is your brows? WHAT IS? WHAT ARE? They are so wee. The makeup artists can totally extend them, and I wish they would because these baby brows are destroying your beautiful face. Mike, you do realise that it is THEIR fault that from now on you shall be known as "Baby Brows"? I love you, I love you, but flipping HECK this is basic.
Enough of Schmordan- let's meet these girls. I hope that's not offensive to anyone, calling them "girls". I could say "ladies"- but are they all ladies? I bet my dad's boots they're not, on fact some of them seem to have seen a LOT of life. And that's all I'll say on that topic. I was so, so thrilled to see that one of them was my friend's ex- there's nothing like a bit of two degrees separation to keep things spicy. Thankfully I haven't met her, and after watching her I am EXTRA glad I haven't met her because she is awful on screen. Pure, pure awful. I can't say which one it is because i'll get in trouble, and I'm not that much of a nasty btch, but jesus. To keep it clear and concise, let's do bulletpoints!!! YEA!!!! This is the vague order that they scrambled out of the car in, & wiggled up to meet Schmordan.
- Ceri: tall, blonde, vapid. Brings him Keri juice to remember her name. Says she’s a bit of a princess, SNORE BYE. Will get a rose because of the dress, I guess.
- Sarah: tall, blonde, ice queen. Hair stylist (is that the same thing as a hairdresser?). Bit boring, but very pretty/normal. Will MAYBE get a rose.
- Fleur: tall, blonde, & speaking gobbledygook. Oh she is Dutch. Points for Dutchie. Will get a rose for the novelty factor, plus she is a cutie.
- Danielle: tall, blonde (OH COME ON CASTING DIRECTORS), & likes the texture of Schmordan’s suit. Firefighter, slightly manic. Will get a rose because she can use words & because she is blonde.
- Metz: tall, brunette (yusss), Samoan royalty (???!!!! is she though?). She seems quite lovely actually, & quietly confident. I’m not sure if she’ll get a rose but I hope she does.
- Rebecca: blonde, pretty, the one my boyf picked as the eventual winner. He has excellent taste (huhuhur) so I do trust his judgement. I didn’t buy the scene of her playing board games with the elderly in a tiny dress, though. That was vom-inducing and just stupid. Will def get a rose.
- Gabrielle: tall, blonde-ish, and oh christ this is the part where they speed things up because the producers have decided that these girls aren’t worthy (see below). I’ve no idea if she’ll get a rose because she was onscreen for 5 seconds max.
- another girl: blonde, they didn’t bother to put her name onscreen (jesus), but I know she is the More FM wild card so that means she’s guaranteed to stay well past her due. Will get a rose. Is her name Anna? Dunno, don’t care.
-Storm: brunette, only onscreen long enough for Scmordan to tell her he loves her name. He does not. Not sure if she’ll get a rose.
-another girl: brunette, gold dress straight outta 1988 which was not a great year. Again no name onscreen which is so shit of TV3- is it that hard, dicks? Probably won’t get a rose because they gave her NO screentime.
- Nicole: tall, blonde-ish, leaps out of the car waving her limbs about. Is it excitement or a reflex? I guess she’ll get a rose because they put her name onscreen.
- Claudia: I’m stopping describing hair because I’m boring myself. Has been “modelling” since the age of five (she says it like this “faaaaaa-iiiiiiiiiii-vvvvvvve”, & is extremely, extremely annoying to me. She bought him bliss balls. I HATE bliss balls. He chokes one back & throws the jar in the bush. Will get a rose, purely to piss me off.
- Catherine: feel a like a princess. SNORE BYE. Speaks in a breathy, gaspy, asthmatic way. Gives him a cloth heart that she pulled out from between her boobs. Yuk. Will get a rose because she looks like she could be a nightmare.
- Lindsay: American. A doctor. Why why why are you doing this show? Oh. It becomes clear when she tells him she “needs to check out the goods” & whips out a stethoscope. This show is the shitting worst. Will prob get a rose judging from all the screentime.
- Alicia: from Te Awamutu (worrrrrrd). Mad mad cat lady, so points for that. Appears to be a zookeeper who works from home. Gives Schmordan a purple rose, makes vague witchcraft references, & uses big words which may puzzle him. I’m on the fence with this one.
-Erin: appears very nervous, gangly and far too normal to be on this show. And by normal I mean nice. Awkward small talk, & off she goes. Will get a rose, but I’m not sure how long she’ll last.
- Freya: whoah this girl is intense. Very very strong personality- prob too strong for Schmordan, & tries to do some stupid handshake with him. He complies because he is frightened of her and so am I. I don’t think she’ll get a rose, but I wouldn’t want to be the one to tell her that.
- Amanda: the prettiest one I’ve seen so far, she has a little cat face & I love it. Lost points for doing stupid name memory things by writing on her hand, but otherwise I think she seems very sweet. Will def get a rose.
- Shari: a brunette, thank god. He tells her he likes her name. She says she doesn’t know where it’s from & she meant to look that up so she could tell him. Sigh. Bye. I do hope she gets a rose, though, because she looked quite lovely.
- Lara: arrives with booze, so points. Loses them immediately by uttering the phrases “I KNOW, right???!”, and “I dig the stubble”- what ARE this??? May get a rose, but cutting it close.
- Emily: potentially the only contestant not to have bathed in fake tan prior to arrival. Pilates instructor, which she waffles on about while Schmordan’s eyes glaze over. I’m not sure if she’ll get a rose, I don’t know why, but I’m just not feeling it.
- Kate: another tall blonde, an account manager in Auckland which says it all really. Keeps hugging him, which makes me crab face. Tells him he looks like Jude Law. WHAT. NO. Still hugging. Geddout. Will get a rose because she is blonde & tall.
- Nazanin: A PERSIAN A PERSIAN!!!! I love Persians, they always bring so much ruckus. She is very intense & is eye-fucking him already. God I hope my parents aren’t reading this. She is DEF getting a rose.
That seems like it was never going to end. I think there were 23, and I'm not sure if there are 23 bullet points above- this is because TV3 decided in advance which girls weren't worthy of screentime. While this is horrible and mean, it is just fact- sorry girls, you were filler. I feel bad for them- I actually do. I hope that they all find nice courier drivers to settle down and breed with, because Mediaworks just has nooooo time for them. Maybe they got to keep the dresses? Doubt. If anyone from Mediaworks can confirm this, I'm happy to edit this post. OH and also, I don't know what kind of cars they rode up in (a) because I don't give a shit, and (b) the sponsor is Suzuki so if you care about cars then that is what they were. Mediaworks- you don't need to confirm this with me, because seriously, I do not give a fuck.
Now it's my fave part of every episode, THE COCKTAIL PARTY. This is the part of the ep where they ply the girls with huge amounts of cheap piss, and make them stand up in their Rubi platform heels for hours on end.It's the best. I bet so much shit happens that they can't show, or maybe it doesn't because this is new Zealand. I'm on my second (third) glass of Mudhouse because I like to try and recreate the same ambience as the cocktail party. It's like being in 3D, or Imax, or the complete cinematic experience. You feel me.
The girls are all looking like I feel, sweaty and aggravated. Here's a hugely controversial call- where is their makeup glam squad? Look, I realise I'll probably get in major trouble for saying that, but christ, a bit of powder wouldn't go astray- are they on THAT much of a budget? I know of 38000 girls that could fix things like that in 2 seconds...actually- the 38000 MUO’s I know are way too cool living their lives to even bother. Scratch that. Just....touch up, guys. Come on, TV3 makeup team. It's easy.
I have have have to say that I am SO HAPPY that they have a Persian on this show. I love Persians- LOVE them. They just bloody know how to make a stir and command attention, and this Naz one is no exception. She has cheekbones and brows for days, and is horrible in the most wonderfully entertaining way. We have our villain, guys!!!! NAZ is the new Chrustal (I still can't be arsed trying to spell her name right), it is official. O-FUSH-AL.
Speaking of ofushal....do we all really sound like that??? It is GOD AWFUL and makes me want to go and take speech lessons immediately to change my voice. Or maybe, MAYBE, it's a Shore thing. It's usually a Shore thing. It just sounds so trash and so gross and I can't cope, so I have to turn to Mud House to help me through. God bless Mudhouse right now.
ANYWAY- back to the party. They’re gagging to talk to him, & keep referring to the importance of “one on one” time like that will increase their chances. It won’t, because TV3 has already decided their fate, so really- these parties are a waste of time. Their time and our time. Catherine “steals” Schmordan in an wonderfully aggressive way, & is talking like a 4 year old talking to another 4 year old. She is bleeeughh. Kate interrupts, & Catherine does dagger eyes at her. The girls dither about who should interrupt, & Naz the Persian takes the reins. She interrupts in the most incredible display of passive aggressiveness I’ve seen all night by telling Kate she’s forgotten her name, & I am laughing. Naz is going to be trouble. Claudia steals him next, & Naz is PISSED. Never risk the wrath of a Persian- I’m telling you.
Schmordan goes & gets Ceri, who stands up and tells Harmony to get the fuck off her dress. Harmony sounds tipsy, which is fantastic. Ceri has the worst Kiwi accent I have ever heard, & I think she is snore. Thankfully Lara interrupts, & it is extremely awkward. They were in the middle of a COUNSELLING SESSION, LARA.
The girls are flipping out because they haven’t had a chance to talk to Schmordan yet, & they are just drinking their asses off & so am I. He steals Amanda, the cute cat face one away; she is lovely but very reserved. AHHHHH NAZ interrupts AGAIN- this girl is a hungry tiger & it is BRILLIANT. The other girls are very very annoyed & bitching like crazy. Harmony is amazingly drunk, slurring her words, & biffing cushions into the pool. She’s really not getting a rose, & this bums me out. Schmordan steals away the girl who likes playing board games with old people (Rebecca) & she gets the first rose. The others are gnashing their teeth and doing silent screams. I’m doing silent screams too, but for entirely different reasons. Baby Brows pops in, & steals Schmordan away so he can "choose" the rose receivers.
Thank god it's time for the rose ceremony, because I need to go and do the dishes/fold some laundry/stare at a wall/anything else. Pretty generic face Rebecca got the first rose so she is safe, & I'm sure you're all breathing a huge sigh of relief. I feel like I know straight away who will NOT be getting a rose and number one on my list is the girl who got drunk and biffed the cushions in the pool. This is a shame because I thoroughly enjoy people that let loose in such a manner particularly when they're wearing sequins. SUCH CLASS SUCH PANACHE. Good god- when was the last time someone uses the word "panache"? I am disgusting,
I'm going to sum the ceremony up super fast, because I am bored & want to watch American Horror Story/anything else. Plus, it means that you guys get to quickly scan this post, & get back to living your life like the normal, decent humans you are...who happen to be reading reality TV recaps online...snigger
Everyone gets a rose except for the pale girl (Emily), the drunk girl (Harmony), and uh, the scary girl (Freya). Easy. WE ARE FREE- until tomorrow -_-
To sum up the premiere ep', there's not a hell of a lot to look forward to, quite frankly. At this stage, no one is a stand out, they're all annoying, and I only like the one with the cute cat face. However, this is only the first episode so I do have some time to get to know them (guffaw)...I'm not a cold hearted bitch through and through (whatever you've heard), so I'm sure I'll warm to them eventually. Maybe potentially probably not.
I shall be back tomorrow another bottle of NZ sav- whatever is on a Onecard special, and I promise to never stop asking the vital questions & pointing out the truly obvious.
GOODBYE FOREVER UNTIL TOMORROW I HATE MY LIFE*
*just kidding, I love my life, but this show is revolting to watch