The show opens with Schmordan heaving himself around in a swimming pool like a muscled manatee. I'm not ashamed to admit that I didn't hear a word he was saying in his voiceover, but I can guarantee it was nothing groundbreaking. And honestly I can't be arsed rewinding to find out- you'll just have to trust me that it was shit. The manatee montage went on for so long...uncomfortably long...it felt almost, ALMOST soft porn-ish. I had time to go & get ice to put in my wine (such trash) & come back again...& it was STILL going. I don't really get the point of that. Was it to drive the point home that he is a hunk, "OOOH LADIES OF NEW ZEALAND SEE WE TOLD YOU HE WAS HUNKY PHWOAAARR" to try & whip the viewers into a lustful frenzy? It didn't work for me (I'm not often lustful), but there are worse things to watch than a muscled manatee taking a shower, so all is not lost.
Unfortunately we're now at the house, where the girls are sitting around the pool, some are pretending to read books which makes me laugh out loud. Baby Brows shimmies in from stage left, and the girls pose in various awkward positions which makes my neck hurt just looking at them. But I suppose they've had heaps of practise with Insta selfies, &, you know, the mirror. Metz reads out the date card- it's a single date & they all say "OOOOOOOH" while dripping saliva. Sarah (the ice princess from last night, pretty blonde that was boring) is off on the date, & Naz is Pissed with a Capital P. Persians really know how to do dagger eyes. If I was on this show (I'm too old, ACTUALLY), I'd probably be one of her lackeys just to avoid her wrath because she's scary as shit.
Okay, the date is WAKEBOARDING & I groan. I don't "do" physical activity on dates (I also don't date, but whatever), & this is my idea of a complete fucking nightmare. Sarah looks less than amped as well, the poor bitch. She's never been wakeboarding before and neither have I and I never will. She tells us her motto is "screw it just do it", and hopefully that indicates some sort of x rated behaviour for later on in the series. Hopefully. LOL TV3 HAVING X RATED FOOTAGE AT PRIME TIME, DREAM ON. Oh god, Sarah is awful at this, and she keeps trying and trying which I really do give her credit for, because by this stage I would be crying, and whinging to get back in the boat with a blanket, glass of wine and a cigarette.
Pan back to the pool where 3 of the girls (can't be bovved to figure out which ones) are having a scripted conv' about what's happening on the date, if Sarah has "pashed" him, & it's so boring that my eyes are rolling back in my head. I pour another glass of Montana.
Back to the date- of course Jordan is amazing at wakeboarding because he is part manatee. The music they were playing sounded like Top Gun, and I think they even put some parts in slow motion, although I could be drunk & imagining that. I find myself chanting, "DO A FLIP DO A FLIP", so I think I definitely am drunk & getting lost in the moment. Sarah has another go, and after 63 takes manages to stand up. Points to Sarah, I hope she gets a drink afterwards because she deserves it after that shitty date. AD BREAK.
They're up the Sky Tower now, & it's her first time up there...Jordan is so stoked that he got to take her for the first time and I am like who gives a shit. They didn't even go to the beautiful Sugar Club restaurant, they're only at the bloody CAFE. I imagine this is because the TV3 budget didn't quite stretch to the average $120 a head Sugar Club dining experience. Dreaming. Oh wait- does anyone else think that Kapiti is a sponsor? Maybe? Just...maaaaaaybe? There are so many logos everywhere that my vision is blurring in and out of focus or is that this wine? Huh. Jordan says, "WE ARE GOING TO MAKE OUR OWN ICE CREAM!!!". Sarah says, "AW YOM UH'VE ULWAAAYS WUNTED TOH DOH THUT?" and I am yawning. I'm not going to describe the ice cream making because it's too boring & I am doing you a favour. All you need to know is that she got a rose, a peck like you would give your nana, & Sarah is "UCK-STATIC" about it.
Sarah goes back to the house and gets downright grilled by the banshees about what happened/did they kiss. Naz does not "agree" with the fact Sarah got a rose. Fuck off, Naz. Claudia "ruckons" that all the girls have a right to know if Sarah pashed Schmordan. Fuck off, Claudia. No one cares what either of you think, especially me.
Suddenly it's the next day, & the girls are all squished into the lunge like sardines wearing active wear. If anyone can find me a pic of sardines wearing activewear I will love you forever, but I digress. Claudia is wearing a stupid hat, inside, & Naz is wearing a head chain...because....I dunno. Good writing, eh. Baby Brows enters & he looks like Miami Vice. He has very white teeth and a very waxed chest, in case you cared which you don't. Catherine reads out the date card in her toddler voice, it's a group date at the beach. The girls going are Storm, Erin, Fleur, Gabrielle, Anna, & Danielle. If you're wondering who the shit these ones are, just check yesterday's recap for descriptions....trust me, they haven't changed that much. OBVIOUSLY Naz is having a moan about the girls chosen to go, because she is a bitch and a pain in my arse. I do love Persians, but not extra extra extra amplified for entertainment purposes. So again, fuck off Naz.
The girls arrive at the beach and all say "HOIIIIIIIIIII" to Schmordan. OH GOD they're playing beach volleyball- these dates are the shittest! Why so much energetic activity? It makes me tired just watching, so I pour another wine for sustenance. It doesn't look like any of them are very good at volleyball but what do I know? It's really boring, to be honest, & I'm struggling to recap in a gripping way right now.
OOh thank god the camera pans back to Catherine (toddler voice), Metz (normal one), Claudia (stupid hat in last scene) & Naz on a bush walk (?) gibbering away in their screechy voices about the girls on the date. God I hate activewear. Naz doesn't think any of the girls will come back with a rose, like she knows. Apparently she does know, because she says she is "very good at reading people". Fuck off Naz. Catherine pipes up in her toddler voice & tells Naz she agrees. Of course she agrees. While Catherine is an idiot, she knows Naz will push her off that cliff if she doesn't.
Now Naz is saying that Anna reckons Schmordan is average as fuck, which somehow means that Anna is "not there for the right reasons". What ARE the right reasons? Also, is Anna famous? Or wants to be famous on the 'gram? Can anyone REALLY see Naz being the eventual winner? I don't understand any of this at all, & it's just a basic shitty story line which is meant to cause "drama". I hate this show. Naz tells us she "has to say something to Schmordan" & I hope hope hope he tells her to fuck off.
Boo, back to the shitty beach date. They've finally finished playing volleyball & have hooned off into the waves. Well, some of them have. Some don't want to mess up their hair/makeup/fake tan, & I am groaning because even though I hate sports, I LOVE swimming in the sea. There is nothing worse than a screechy princess who won't dive under because of MAKEUP. GEDDOUT. You are at the BEACH. My fingers are starting to go into weird claw shapes from rage. Only Fleur (Dutchie) has the balls to swim all the way out with Schmordan, which earns her points with him AND me. They have some "one on one time" and talk about hyenas.
Now all of them are drinking cheap bubbles & having a barbecue at the beach. Schmordan is pretending to cook & asks the girls about sausages, but I don't see a barbecue. Either the barbecue is invisible or they are eating cold sausages. Way to go, TV3- you've really pushed the boat out. SPEND DAT MONIES. Ruh roh, Schmordan has just yanked Fleur off for some MORE one on one time, & the other girls start crying because they didn't get more time with him. Okay, they aren't actually crying but you know off-camera they are hysterical MESSES. Fleur talks about how dating her ex felt like dating a family member, which is very weird and I suppose very European depending on where you're from. She gets a rose.
The bush walking bitches (except Metz, sorry Metz) are figuring out how they can screw all the other girls over at the cocktail party, Naz is the ringleader and tells them to interrupt as much as possible. Except her. If they interrupt her time with Schmordan they are fucking DEAD OK?
YEAAAAAAAA it's the cock and tail party!!! The girls all look like they are going to a gala, some are pulling it off better than others. Anna delivers an awful "How YOU doin'?" to the camera and I crab face at her. Schmordan steals Alicia (the zookeeper) away, & Naz informs us that her & her gang of witches have decided that they are "going to let some girls" spend time with him. Fuck off Naz.
We don't hear any of the conv' between Schmord and Alicia because (a) it was probably boring & (b) the camera is focused on Shari (terrible, awful hairstyle that does her NO justice) interrupting them. She is very very nervous and I feel sorry for her because her hairstyle makes her look like she has a forelock. Horsey people, is that the right word? I dunno, & I don't have time to google it. Gahhhhh as soon as she sits down to join then Schmordan gets up and lopes off. EMBARR'. Poor Shari. You suck, Schmordan, but perhaps he just hated the hairstyle as much as I do.
Naz is drilling Claudia about something or other, going to talk to Schmord I imagine. Oh yes- she wants to tell him about what, uhh, Anna (?) said about him being bog standard. He's off talking to Catherine the toddler, & she makes me think of flight attendants with the big fake smile and hair sprayed hair helmets. Naz doesn't bugger about, & interrupts them in about 2 seconds. She is SO INTENSE, but, you know, Persian. She tells Schmord about Anna, & honestly I am laughing out loud because he clearly sees straight through her and does not give a flying FUCK. In fact, I can SEE what he is thinking, & it is this- fuck off Naz. Totally backfired, and she just made herself look like a complete arsehole.
Metz is now talking to Schmord, & all the other girls are having a mare because apparently Metz is going to tell Schmord she wants to go home because she doesn't want to hump him. Some of the girls are crying and I am perplexed. Why you cry? It's only been 2 days. These girls are ridic. Little do they know that Metz is saying nothing of the sort- she's actually telling him how much she wants to stay. So basically, that whole scene was 100% unnecessary, & is indicative of how very dull this show is. Scraping the bottom of the barrel with these shitty plot lines, TV3.
We know it's rose ceremony time when Baby Brows wriggles in, and I am not feeling his ensemble. Oh for fucks sake, I just said "ensemble", who the fuck do I think I am? I'm so sorry guys- I never say that stupid word in real life so I shouldn't have said it here. We all love a quick recap, so all you need to know is the following:
- Metz gets a rose, much to the puzzlement of the girls who thought she was going to bounce
- Naz gets a rose because she is the villain & TV3 says she MUST stay
- Anna gets a rose, in spite of Naz trying to fuck her over
- Everyone else gets a rose apart from Catherine the toddler. BYE.
To sum up, tonight's episode was boring and far-fetched and desperate, & I feel dumber for having watched it. I said to my boyfriend, "This season is WAY worse than last year, right? WAY worse. It's not just me, surely?" & he agreed. I'm not sure if he agreed because he TRULY thought so, or if he really just wanted to start watching "Autopsy", but whatever. I didn't bother what's happening next week because I just don't care that much, but you can guarantee it will be more of the same nonsense, and that Naz will be a bitch. DRINK UP.