Can you believe this shit?! We FINALLY have a premiere date- August 22nd. I was starting to wonder if it was all a sick joke, but it is HAPPENING. I've been a Real Housewives super-fan for years. I've watched Real Housewives of New York, New Jersey, Orange County, Beverly Hills, Melbourne, Atlanta, and for two episodes- the disaster that was Real Housewives of Potomac (don't ask). Now I get to watch (and recap) the show based in a city that I spent 16 godforsaken years in. As luck would have it, I no longer live in Auckland, which means that I don't have to worry about any of the women spitting at me like an alpaca if I write something they take offence to. They'll just have to do what one of the girls from last season's The Bachelor did, & get her friend to tell me off online. But I can take it, because it's all a fucking joke, and so are they, and so is this blog, and so am I.
The women- they're all very....shiny. Shiny and sparkly. I think I'd heard of two, perhaps three of them before the cast was announced- but that's standard for these sort of shows. I'm taking a chance that no one knew who Teresa Giudice was before RHOJ- and now look at her! A million cookbooks, and jail time for fraud. Or what about Aviva Drescher? She wasn't a household name until she lost her shit and threw her prosthetic leg into the middle of a table full of shocked humans in RHONY. This is the kind of magic that the Real Housewives franchise can offer the participants, and I hope that the Auckland ladies aren't looking a gifthorse (or alpaca, whatever) in the mouth.
So what do we know? Fuck all. But I'm going to try and piece it together in order to have some kind of intro for the series...this way, when I start the recaps, I won't have to cover old ground, and I'll also be able to come back and see how wrong/how full of shit I was. GRAB A DRINK AND BEAR WITH BECAUSE GOD KNOWS I AM DRINKING.
Anne Batley-Burton- Hadn't heard of. Champagne lady. As in, REAL champagne, French champagne, the only real champagne. Not your bloody Lindauer or Deutz, mate. Apparently a former ballroom dancer, which I don't care about because it is boring and not relevant. Champagne= relevant. Not dancing. Is small, very small, but looks fucking terrifying. I just would NOT cross this one, & something tells me she may be the portrayed "villain" on this show. Aka, the most enjoyable to watch.
Michelle Blanchard- Hadn't heard of. Model. Tall. Beautiful. Also looks fucking terrifying. Told someone (whoooo, whoooooo??) in the trailer to just "GET OVER IT"- so is clearly not bothered about looking like or sounding like a bitch. I like this. sorry, but I do. If everyone was nice it would be fucking dull, and you all know it. Looks like she's friends with Gilda Kirkpatrick (see below), & it's pretty fair to say that any alliance that includes Gilda is a strong one. No one gets voted off this show (sadly), but if they did, Michelle wouldn't be going aaaaaaaaaannywhere.
Gilda Kirkpatrick- Had heard of. Have known her for years, & I have wondered if I'm going to find it hard to accurately and fairly recap this show with her in it, because I like her. BUT- Gilda knows that I only write what I see, & that I'm hardly a threat, so I think it will be fine. Please feel free to pull me up on this if any of you think I'm being biased at any time. Back to Gilda- she is small, very small, beautiful, & fucking terrifying. Sensing a theme here? She is very sharp, NOTHING gets past her, & she is Persian, which is reality TV gold. Fact.
Julia Sloane- Hadn't heard of. But apparently I should have because she is an author, a businesswoman, an athlete and a former model. Well, I could be all of those things if I stretched the truth far enough (I write a blog, I have a business, I sometimes walk places, & I have been in photos), but let's give her a shot eh. Told someone in the trailer (whoooo, whoooo??) that they were "so full of shit". She sounds uppity. I just used the word "uppity", and I'm furious with myself. I am feeling MEH about her, but maybe she will be divine. Or the villain. The emotional one.
Angela Stone- Hadn't heard of. Is a, uh, fashion maven. I'm not sure what that is, and maybe I SHOULD know what it is if I'm planning on writing these recaps. Right, I just checked (actually), & she's a fashion designer & a stylist. But a stylist in Christchurch, so, okay. Laughing to myself, but I DO love you, Christchurch! Has a wine label, which gets a million points from me. Either has brilliant and magical genetics, or is fond of Botox. No judgement here, however, because I am also a fan of the Botox. Another MEH, but time will tell. I want to be proven wrong!
Louise Wallace- Had heard of. Who HASN'T? Louise Wallace has the biggest balls out of anyone, potentially ever. She never pulls any punches, & while I don't think she's going to be portrayed as the villain, I think she's going to have some fucking excellent soundbites. This is the kind of woman that I would love to sit and drink wine with for hours, because she's bloody funny, & bloody clever. She's going to be golden on this show, and I'm genuinely looking forward to watching her. Was I just...nice?
Okay, I think that's it. If there's more of them, that's pretty embarrassing- for them, not me.
I'm expecting the first episode to be one of those "putting all the pieces together" kind of rahrah ep's...but with some insane hook at the end to keep the ratings up for the following ep. I'm also expecting to see many scenes filmed at Soul Bar, at SPQR, and at Masu. I'm expecting various plugs for each housewives businesses, strategic product placement from sponsors, & hopefully not bleeped out fucking swear words. Real Housewives of Melbourne didn't bleep out the swears, which brought me SUCH JOY. I'm expecting perfect makeup & hair- because they're on set, remember? This is the important part. They are on set, on a show that isn't PROPER reality, they're playing a part (or a role, if you'd rather), & I am here to talk about those roles. So don't bloody spit at me, okay? :D